February 27 — The day I found out that I’m not as cute as I used to be

Not only did I get a speeding ticket today, but I couldn’t even get my mojo in gear to try to B.S. or flirt my way out of it. In fact, the cop didn’t even get off his cell phone (grrrr!) while writing my ticket. Granted I was in workout clothes, hair in a ponytail, and looking very mommyish….but don’t you at least want to give me a chance, Officer?

If I didn’t have such a sweet history of getting out of traffic trouble, I guess I wouldn’t be so bummed. (I don’t have exact numbers, but I would say I am probably 70-30, in my favor of course.)

My first, and by far most important, escape from trouble was in 1985. I was only 15, and didn’t even have a driving permit, but that didn’t stop me from “borrowing” my uncle’s car and going for a joy ride. The joy ended when I slammed into the back of a brand new Dodge Daytona (it still had paper tags). My uncle’s Trans Am was a mess (remember how they had those headlights that went up and down? Well one wouldn’t stop going up and down….even when I turned off the car.) and I seriously injured my knee, but somehow I managed to talk my way out of even turning over my non-existent driver’s license. I am guessing the cops didn’t give a crap about two teenagers getting in a fender bender, but I definitely saved myself a lot of legal problems. (Although, the world probably would have been a lot safer if I had been busted that night, because I was the proud recipient of SIX speeding tickets between the ages of 16 and 18. Proof that teenagers should not be allowed to drive alone!)

After I turned 18 (and was no longer jail-bait), I walked away ticket-free at least 2 out of every 3 times I was pulled over. And yes, I was pulled over a lot. I like speed. Sometimes I would flirt and sometimes I would have an excuse that worked…late for work with a mean boss, grandparent in hospital, female problems (which can get you out of more than just tickets, ladies), friend in trouble, etc.

Once, the officer let me go because I was jammin‘ to Barry White and he was a big fan too. The last time I was pulled over, about 3 years ago, the cop was so in love with my car that he just asked me questions about it and then let me go (after he sat behind the wheel, of course).

So, these past few years, I have been a much safer driver, mainly because I have important cargo now. He only “clocked” me doing 77 when my speedometer registered 83, so I guess I should be thankful for that.

And don’t worry, the kiddo wasn’t in the car….it was AC/DC that made me speed. Damn that “Thunderstruck.”

Our World Has Gone Crazy Week — Part 4

Exhibit 4 – EVERYONE has a something to tell me

I can’t drive down the street or drink a cup of coffee without someone taking the opportunity to give me some crazy/pointless/inspirational/unintelligible/marketing/doomsday message. See some examples (taken just this week) below:

Can’t I just eat my chocolate in peace? Do we have to fill every open space with something?

Our World Has Gone Crazy Week — Part 3

Salmonella Everywhere!!

First green onions, then spinach, and now peanut butter. Nothing is safe to eat anymore. I mean, really, how exactly are feces getting into the peanut butter??!

And here is the crazy part…

My babysitter (the one who can eat a pound of salami in one sitting) has had bathroom “issues” for over three weeks. About two weeks ago, she tells me that her dog now has the same issues. Well of course, it turns out she has been eating bad peanut butter…almost FOUR jars of it…over the past four weeks. So, 1.) Who can eat four jars of peanut butter and not weigh 400 pounds? and 2.) How are she and the dog not dead? Either she has a killer immune system or they both just built up a tolerance from eating two peanut butter/bacteria-laced sandwiches a day. (Like how people in Mexico don’t get sick from the water?)

And yes, she feeds her dog sandwiches…do you really find that surprising?

P.S. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my fabulous husband, Dan, and to my best friend from high school, Halle. Both of whom turn 35 today! Welcome to the downhill slide guys. 🙂

Our World Has Gone Crazy Week — Part 2

Exhibit 2 – The diaper-wearing astronaut and the teenagers who baked a puppy

Do I really need to pull out the soapbox for either of these stories? The reason why I think these two stories further exhibit the downward spiral of society (beyond the obvious, of course) is that 1.) wearing a diaper so you can kill someone faster takes a special kind of crazy, especially when you are one of an “elite” group of people who are loved and admired by people everywhere. I mean really, who hates astronauts? And, 2.) BAKING a puppy, and then showing it to neighborhood children, shows a complete absence of a heart. I would really like to know more about the parents who raised these two monsters.

Here’s a blog on the whole ordeal, if you are interested in making yourself feel bad. http://georgiapuppytorture.blogspot.com/

Our World Has Gone Crazy Week

Today is the first of a week-long series in which I intend to prove that our world has gone absolutely crazy.

Exhibit 1 – Anna Nicole Smith
As most of you know, I found myself deathly ill for almost a week…and (un)luckily for me, that time spent in bed coincided with Anna Nicole Smith’s tragic death. Therefore, I was treated to non-stop coverage of her life, death, lovers, habits, etc. The one thing that really stood out to me was that news channels don’t seem to care about facts anymore. They will let any nutjob (like Bobby Trendy) get on TV and say whatever they want, as if it was fact.

One guy (on Redeye) even thought it would be funny to claim that a dolphin could be the baby’s father. WTF? It was really kind of heartbreaking that people were practically making fun of her and the woman hadn’t even been dead for even a week. I understand that she had problems. It’s clear that she was a misguided soul. But she was still a human being. Anna Nicole lost a child, which I am sure is pain beyond imagination, and now she has left behind a little baby. A baby who will never know her mother, and whose future is totally up in the air. Does no one else find that to be sad?

Journalism is in a really pitiful state. “The Soup” on E! was more respectful than all the news stations combined. That is pathetic! I find myself being oh-so-very grateful that I did not pursue my dreams of being a newspaper or TV reporter.

So to conclude, news stations reporting opinions as facts and giving credibility to anyone who claims to know something…the first reason why I think our world has lost its collective mind.

Where’s Rhonda???

On her deathbed!

Sorry I haven’t been posting or commenting this past week, but I have spent 20% of my time with my head in a toilet and the other 80% in bed. Something was definitely trying to kill me, but I think I have prevailed. I am currently on anti-vomit medication (I had no idea there was such a thing!), so while I am not barfing, I am now dizzy, tired and still quite nauseous. Hopefully I will be feeling more normal soon, as I have LOTS of things to blog about. (A solid week of TV has given me many, many topics….Anna Nicole Smith, the diaper-wearing astronaut, the teenagers who baked a puppy…our world has gone mad, people!)

In the interim, my friend Kim sent me a really funny video from YouTube featuring the late Steve Irwin. I will post it for your viewing pleasure.

“What the F*ck” Wednesday? — Thoughts on the Superbowl

What happened to the Superbowl this year? I watched the entire thing, including 3 hours of pregame filler, and was pretty unimpressed with just about every aspect. It was bad enough that both teams played really sloppy football, (I was rooting for the Bears, mainly because Peyton Manning is on my nerves, but also because I really like Chicago…so, it was a bummer when they lost.) but here is my list of additional grievances:

1. WTF was Katie Couric doing at the desk with all the commentators? She is about as UN-football as you can get.
2. WTF was up with the commercials. They were really disappointing. The beer commercials were all mildly amusing, but the Go Daddy commercial was just plain stupid as were all of the Sierra Mist commercials. (I was so sick of hearing about the K-Fed commercial, that I took a bathroom break during its showing.) I record the whole game so I can go back and see the commercials again, but there was no need this year. Total bummer.
3. Being a child of the 80’s, I like Prince, but he didn’t really seem like an appropriate choice for the halftime show. (And what was with that phallic guitar solo behind the sheet?!) It would have been a lot better show if someone would have busted their ass on that wet stage.

National Football League? I know we are all still really traumatized over seeing Janet Jackson’s nipple, but can we get over it already? Quit playing it safe!

Troy Aikman Rules

I received several comments about meeting Troy Aikman, so I decided to dig out the photo and force you all to relive that glorious day with me.

This was taken in August of 1996 at Cowboys training camp in Austin, Texas. Thousands of people were there that day watching practice. As the day was wrapping up, a guy walks up to me in the bleachers and says “Would you like to meet Troy Aikman?” I thought he was joking, but I said “OF COURSE!” and he handed me a little ticket. (Come to find out, they randomly picked 50 people a day to meet him.) So, the guy tells me to be over by the fence in 10 minutes and walks off. I then go into full panic mode…I had been sitting out in the blistering heat all day…I probably looked and smelled like crap, and this is when I am suppposed to meet the man of my dreams?

Despite the 110-degree temperature, and the fact that I am no athlete, I sprinted to my car, took my hair out of the pony tail, put on makeup, changed shirts, and sprinted back…all within my 10 minutes.

Things to notice: 1.) I am not sweating. Apparently adrenaline is quite powerful. 2.) I am holding my heart…it was beating so fast I thought I was going to die…pretty close to how I felt when I saw that big ass spider in my garage 3.) This picture is completely out of focus. That is because my friend Kelly (she is Ms. Popular Butt in the linked post), who scored a ticket after I raced off to the car, was shaking so bad she couldn’t take the photo. Her picture with Troy looks very similar! 🙂

The funniest thing about this meeting was that I could not make myself talk. Nothing. I know, totally crazy and almost unbelievable. He was all Mr. Small Talk….”it sure is hot”…”glad you came out today”…”are you from Austin?” I don’t think I answered anything with more than one word…”yep”…”thanks”…”no.” Idiot.

So that was first meeting with Mr. Troy Aikman. I met him once again, about 2 years later, and had a similar experience (where I turned into a total moron). Guess it wasn’t meant to be. Although, he did marry a girl named Rhonda….

“What the F*ck” Wednesday? — Cell phone etiquette (or lack thereof)

Yesterday, I boarded an elevator with eight seemingly harmless people. Five of said people were talking on cell phones before the elevator arrived, and much to my surprise, not ONE of these people ended their conversation after getting on the elevator. That’s right. I was forced to listen to FIVE conversations (two of which were in foreign languages) for seven floors. WTF?

It’s time we put our collective feet down people. In my former corporate life (many years ago), I wrote a document on email etiquette for use at my company. This incident made me realize that someone really needs to write and distribute a cell phone etiquette manual to every Tom, Dick and Harry that purchases a cell phone. It’s bad enough that I have a near-death experience at least once week when some yahoo decides he needs to send a text message while driving 70 miles per hour down a freeway. Now I have to enter small, confined spaces and be forced to listen to five meaningless conversations at once? It’s ridiculous.

So as much as I love my cell phone, I make these promises to you… I promise I will not talk obnoxiously loud on my cell phone in public. I promise I will not text while driving or while you are speaking to me. I promise not to install a ridiculous ring tone on my phone and then let it ring for extended periods of time. And finally, I promise I will not discuss my latest trip to the gynecologist in front of seven strangers on an elevator.

You’re welcome.