What the F*ck? Wednesday – The man I can’t escape

WTF is up with Kevin Trudeau? This guy is everywhere…if you are up all night long watching TV, that is. He has an infomercial on every other channel…he’s apparently quite a know it all…he has the secrets! Weight loss or alternative cures to diseases or speed reading or increasing your memory…Kevin Trudeau has the answer. But the real kicker is that he isn’t a doctor nor has he had any medical training…WTF, TV people? You don’t have to be qualified to dispense medical advice these days?

And WTF happened to the cool infomercials where they actually sell stuff a sleep-deprived woman wants? During the first few months of my other daughter’s life, I bought a Magic Bullet, the Paint Buddy, the 6-week Body Makeover, the TurboJam Workout and a Scunci Steamer. Now my only choices are some nut job giving out medical advice and people who want me to buy foreclosed homes. Am I going to have to start watching QVC or HSN? I can only take so many more late night reruns of The Hills and The Real World.

It’s not Thursday?

I know I promised a pic and post by last Thursday, but apparently I was high on hormones. I forgot just how much having a baby kicks your ass. But I digress….

INTRODUCING….Scarlett Mae!!

Turns out that she was a big baby (thank goodness!). She weighed in at 8 pounds and 14 ounces. She’s a total sweetheart, and a very good baby so far (knocking on wood), I just didn’t realize the challenge I was facing coupling new baby/sleep deprivation with trying to maintain a happy relationship with my two year old. She’s lost it several times, and I was not at all prepared for the feelings of guilt, sadness, etc.

But other than that, everything is GREAT. Ha!

And thanks for all the notes….I really appreciate it. If you leave a comment on this post, you can be a part of Scarlett’s permanent record. (I am going to print it out and put it in her baby book. So keep it clean people.)

Top 5 reasons I am glad to be having this baby tomorrow

5. This naming ordeal will finally be over, because no we still haven’t made a final decision on a name yet.

4. I will be one step closer to retiring my maternity panties. (For those who haven’t walked this road, maternity panties are worse than granny panties because they are extra, extra large in the front. It’s bad enough that I have to look at them while pulling them out of the dryer, but the real embarrassment is packing them in your suitcase and knowing some TSA guy is making a joke about your big-ass panties.)

3. Three days in the hospital with no Wiggles or Sesame Street! I’ve been spending way too much time with them lately. I was on my way to meet some friends last Thursday and had been alone in my car for 15 minutes before I realized I was not only listening to, but also SINGING along with my daughter’s Wiggles CD.

2. Seeing my toes, bending over without grunting, walking without a waddle, sitting straight up in bed (instead of having to roll)…and (hopefully) not having to endure any more comments about how HUGE I am.

1. HAVING A NEW BABY! Playing with those tiny little fingers and toes, holding a sweet little person in your arms for the first time, watching them watching you watching them….I can’t wait.

So wish us luck. I won’t be home until Thursday, but I will try my best to at least post her photo and name when I return.

Things that make me happy today

Well, between all of my pregnancy complaints and PoopGate 2007, I have still managed to find extreme joy this past week.

My new luv-er, Mr. iPhone
The hubby bought me an iPhone as a “thanks for having my baby” gift. I have to give him major kudos, because it almost makes the acid reflux, lack of sleep, weight gain, itchy rash, and numerous other maladies worthwhile. Mr. iPhone has all kinds of fabulous tricks up his sleeve, and playing with him is an almost orgasmic experience. If you have an inclination to buy one, especially now that the price has been lowered, I say “DO IT!” Mr. iPhone will rock your world.

Flipping Out
TV is finally coming back. I know a lot of you are “too busy” or “too smart” to watch TV, but I’m not. I love TV, especially the entertaining and mostly mindless stuff. My favorite show of the moment is “Flipping Out” on Bravo. It’s the perfect combo of home improvement and reality. Jeff flips gorgeous multi-million dollars houses in California, but he also has OCD, ADHD, narcissistic personality disorder, and anger management issues. What could be more perfect? Oh yeah, he’s good looking and gay and has a flock of assistants that are non-stop entertaining. So you get cool house ideas coupled with a totally fabulous nut job who says stuff like this…

(Putting in his drink order at lunch) “Ideally, I’d like 75% lemonade, 10% fruit punch and 15% Sprite. If they don’t have lemonade, then do 75% fruit punch and 25% Sprite. If they don’t have fruit punch, then do 75% lemonade and 25% Sprite.” The final episode aired last night, but they are replaying the entire season, so check it out. I promise it will not disappoint.

Half-naked, headless men
I saw this billboard recently, and not only did I nearly wreck trying to get a good look (Way to go, Abercrombie! Finally, some decent female porn.), but then my friend Kelly tells me this is the view from her new office. Lucky bitch. I know the picture isn’t great, but you get the idea. A perfect, but headless body…genius.

Think there is any chance I can convince Abercrombie & Fitch to put one in my backyard so I have something to look at over the next 6 to 8 weeks? I mean, besides my sweet, new baby (who will be here in just 5 days!) of course.

Cease Fire

I am very happy to report that we have not experienced any more poo problems since Sunday. Of course, I’ve been on Red Alert 24/7…always watching for the poo making face and reprimanding my little monkey whenever she reaches toward the back of her diaper.

However there was an incident yesterday….she ate TWO bananas for lunch. She has always loved bananas, and usually has one with breakfast, but instead of eating her fabulous Mexican lunch of chicken, cheese, rice, tortillas, etc., she just kept saying “banana” over and over. So I gave her one, which she ate very quickly and then said “more.” So I gave her another.

I would also like to mention that she was playing with her toes a lot yesterday.

So let’s take a poll…

Labor Day (Poo) Party Weekend

The holiday took on a whole new meaning at our house this year. On Friday, my sweet little daughter found a new fun way to pass the time…playing with her own poo. I went to get her from her afternoon nap, and even though her diaper and pants were still on, little pieces of poo were everywhere.

She’s been in a toddler bed for several months now, so we have a baby gate at her bedroom door to keep her from freely roaming around at night. Apparently she wasn’t pleased with the pace at which I came to release her from captivity, so she decided to throw poo over the gate to let me know. It was like visiting the zoo and having the monkeys throw crap at you.

So after 45 minutes of “laboring” over poo cleanup, I started to get a little worried. Why does she not find this disgusting? How could I stop this from happening again? After a little online research, I found that this is a fairly common problem in toddlers (WHEW) and also found several ideas for putting a stop to the problem.

Unfortunately for the babysitter (the crazy sitter from past posts), I forgot to share all of this information and she was greeted with a similar scene when she went to get Ms. Thing from her bedroom on Sunday morning. (We were at a swanky hotel for a one-night “babymoon”.) Whoops.

Later that evening, the hubby commented that perhaps our little angel was doing this because she was immediately whisked into a bubble bath after each incident, which is her all time favorite thing at the moment.

So even though I am worried all over again (if she is this clever at 2, what is she going to be like at 16?), the idea has also helped me to get over the grody factor because now my child is a genius, not just some average poo-flinger.