A moment of clarity…courtesy of PetsMart

Finally. My new job description presents itself. Thank you, PetsMart.

That’s right. I’m a “Stool Manager.” Don’t be sad for me. I run a department of 6, not including myself.
  • There’s the two cats, who produce three litter boxes of stool per week.
  • Next are the two dogs, who produce at least a Target bag full of stool once a week. And as a bonus, Winston the Bulldog works overtime, bringing me extra stool in the form of dingle berries at least once a day. (Note to bloggy friends: Do not buy a dog that has an a**hole that points up. You will be wiping his butt until the day he dies.)
  • Finally, we have the two little girls. One who produces adult-like poo and likes to spread it around, literally. And the smaller one, who kindly keeps it in her diaper, but produces a stool that is slightly less appealing to the senses…if that’s really even possible.

And to think, just 3 years ago I was just a measly self-employed communications consultant who had the world in her hand. Look at me now people!

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday – General Moaning and Groaning

Have you missed me? The hubby was gone for 10 days over the past 2 weeks, so my “free” time was spent either sleeping, or caffeinating myself to the point of the jitters. To say it’s a little hellish when he isn’t here would be a bit of an understatement, and any posts would have been me whining about taking care of the kids alone, so really I saved you all from wanting to cyber slap me. So here’s an extra long WTF Wednesday to make up for my absence.

That’s me. Because my Range Rover has suddenly turned into a piece of crap. The “service engine soon” light came on, so I took it to the dealership. I got in my loaner car (which was brand new and had all of 40 miles on it) and it proceeded to break down not 2 hours later. When I got my car back, it drove fine for a few days and then completely overheated and had to be towed to the dealership again. (Luckily the hubby was in it at the time…his payback for being out of town so much…ha!) So it’s back in the shop. The car does have over 70K miles on it, but WTF? This is the 3rd time it has been in the shop this year…twice for the SAME problem. And of course we only have a few thousand miles of warranty left. I am starting to think that cars have some sort of countdown clock to the end of warranty and then things just start falling apart.
I have apparently cursed my daughter with a name that is doomed to be misspelled for her entire life. We intentionally only used one “n” because my husband has some irrational fear of people calling her “Ann.” But now it seems that no one can spell it correctly. It doesn’t really bother me, except when they constantly misspell it at her preschool. Any of you who have or know a kid in preschool knows that I have to put her name on EVERYTHING. This is just a sampling…

It’s practically stamped on her forehead and tattooed on her ass, so it’s kind of irritating that her teachers, who see her name on everything she owns, still misspell it day in and day out. See her name in the middle of this commemorative plate from their class last year (by the yellow flower)? Notice anything wrong? WTF?

I was at Sam’s this week and noticed a bunch of firefighters shopping for what I assume to be supplies for the fire station. It didn’t turn into a “WTF?” until I got in the parking lot and saw them loading their basket of stuff into an actual fire engine. That seems really wasteful to me. WTF, fire fighters? It wasn’t like you stopped by Sam’s on the way back from a fire. And although I respect and admire you more than words can say, couldn’t you guys jump in a car to do the shopping? Driving four Hummers to Sam’s probably would have saved money on gas.

And finally, I am SO sick of people almost killing me while they drive and talk on cell phones. I know I’ve talked about it before, but it seems to be getting worse. Last week one of my neighbors almost had a head-on collision with my dad when she pulled out of our subdivision and onto the wrong side of the divided street while chatting on the phone. She even honked at him and gave him the “WTF?” look before she realized she was heading into oncoming traffic. I almost want to run for office so I could make it my personal mission to ban cell phones in cars. Am I the only person who feels this way? Under my rule, these signs would be posted everywhere!

Me Eat Pretty Houses

In our old neighborhood, where I still take my daughter to preschool, these signs are in every yard. Apparently, someone wants to put up a high rise. And while I am way too tired to take a side at the moment (it’s a constant zoning debate here in Houston…we don’t have any and that appears to be a problem!), I always laugh when I see these signs.

I picture the building coming to life and stomping around the neighborhood like Godzilla. “MEAN BUILDING EAT HAPPY NEIGHBORHOOD AND PEEK IN PEOPLE’S WINDOWS!”

They definitely get an A+ in the marketing department. This is the most memorable advertisement I have seen in a while.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

One way to keep the 2 year old somewhat in line while nursing the baby is to turn on Sesame Street or The Wiggles. It’s a not a perfect trick, but it does keep the destruction and tantrums minimal. But, it also turns my mind to mush, being that I am a “captive” audience.

So, I have been watching so much children’s programming that I have found myself having issues with Elmo or Greg or whoever. For instance, Murray was explaining how all the Wiggles and their friends helped out with the furniture when they moved into Wiggle house. But in the next episode, the Little Wiggles are living in Wiggle house with all the same furnishings. WTF Wiggles? Did you think that would slide past me?

And Elmo…well, I love him. I rarely get too crazy watching him, but he needs to stop with the third person references. It gets old when Regis Philbin does it and it’s getting old with you too, Elmo. I also don’t believe that Mr. Penguin wanted his peanut butter sandwich on pumpernickel bread. I understand that the letter of the day was “P”, but WTF Sesame Street? No one would order a peanut butter on pumpernickel with a potato and pineapple. No one.

I would think that maybe I was losing my mind a little, if my husband hadn’t recently mentioned that he is having “issues” with Winnie the Pooh. Apparently, Winnie gave Roo a honey jar to present to his mom for her birthday, but he had eaten all the honey first. And on another episode he ate everyone’s Halloween candy. So Dan thinks Winnie is a fat, lazy, inconsiderate bear who is sending the wrong messages to children. Take that, Pooh!

And speaking of….just a little update on PoopFest 2007. Whenever my daughter goes #2 now, she comes and tells us that she has “bad poo”…which is much better than having her smear it on the walls. So, if any of you parents out there experience it, cold showers are the answer. Say no to bad poo, kids!