“What the F*ck?” Wednesday … I mean, Thursday

A day late, but with plenty of gravy …

Before you say anything about my high-carb, low-nutrition lunch, please remember I have been eating lots of soup lately and I can’t eat anything healthy (no raw veggies or even most cooked ones, no nuts, seeds or anything high in fiber!).

So I get this yummy to-go lunch and when I get back to my desk I start pulling out container after container of condiments … three gravies and two tarter sauces to be exact.

WTF, Luby’s? I didn’t ask for either of these condiments, and while I appreciate you assuming I wanted them, one would have been plenty. I wasn’t planning to take a gravy bath or have a tarter-sauce facial today.


I would like to say congrats to my friends Kathy and Matt who welcomed a gorgeous little girl on Monday. Her name is Peyton … how cute is that?

And for NCS, some things to go with your toast band-aids.

Taking a Chill Pill

Sorry I haven’t been around much, but I have been taking it easy. I don’t think I have ever shared here that I have Crohn’s disease (mainly because it has been in remission and quite frankly, it’s a bit of a downer), but I do … and it’s back with a vengeance.

So, I’ve been relaxing as much as possible, which means everything else has been sidelined over the past week. But the good news is I am feeling better every day and apparently potato soup is a miracle cure for intestinal disorders. Just so you know.

I have also been taken off of “hate mail” duty at work and that helped my angry gut almost immediately. But here is what I learned from answering nasty emails for almost two weeks.
  1. Excessive use of exclamation points (e.g. I am so angry!!!!!!) or question marks (e.g. What is wrong with you people??????????) means you are very, VERY pissed.
  2. Some people don’t understand how to use rhetorical questions properly. (e.g. Don’t you think I would like a spa vacation??? I demand an answer!)
  3. Making threats is okay, just make sure suspicion won’t fall on you by using a clause like “Not that I would do that,” “I don’t think it’s right, but…” or “I’m not saying I want this to happen, but…”
  4. If a person closes a letter by saying “I’m not crazy, I just want to know,” they are crazy.

Weekend Disturbia

It was a wonderful weekend…lots of QT with the girls, a 90-minute massage, and tailgating with the hubby at the Texans game. It was perfect, except for two of the most disturbing incidents in my recent life.

Saturday morning, we wake up to Scarlett making silly sounds through the baby monitor.

Hubby: Good morning. I had a really nice dream about you last night.

Me: Really? Well I dreamed that I was having sex with Donald Trump. (I have no filter first thing in the morning.)

Hubby: WHY?

Me: I don’t know! But if it makes you feel any better, he had a really small penis.

Hubby: I could have guessed that.

Of course I spent the rest of the day trying to decipher my dream. I’m sure it goes without saying that I do not find him attractive. I hadn’t been talking about him or seen him on TV recently. So WTF?

Fast-forward to Sunday.

It was a gorgeous day…sunny, cool and slightly windy. We are out in the parking lot at Reliant Stadium tailgating before the game, and suddenly I have to go…like NOW. So I did what I never do…I used the port-o-potty.

I was taking care of my business when I felt something splash back UP onto my butt cheek. AHHHHH! NO! Not blue poo water on my butt cheek!! I had come armed with hand sanitizer and paper towels, but no amount of sanitizer on my cheek made it feel clean. In fact, I have never left more dirty. Ugh.

It was all I could think about for the next 3 hours. The hubby tried to calm me down, but all I could think about was that spot on my butt cheek and God only knows WHO’S poo water on it.

As soon as we got home, I stripped off my clothes and washed them in boiling hot water. Then I went straight to the shower where I washed that spot for about half an hour.

I can still feel the poo water on that cheek…I’ll never recover.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

SO much WTFness today…

First, how do you like these shoes? Look at the adorable little mouse faces on the toe.

Would you ever be caught dead wearing these? I expect not. But that isn’t the WTF part.

Would you pay $299.94 for these ridiculous shoes (ON SALE, no less!)?

Look at these. I don’t care if they are Prada…and “on sale”…I am not paying $399.94 for a pair of shoes with a 1970s-era plastic yellow buckle.

These are the least expensive of the bunch at $199.94, probably because they are beach wear, but still…they look like something Mrs. Roper would wear with one of her muumuus.

These win the “WTF, are you f*cking kidding me?” Award. I am in no way thrifty, but I can’t believe someone would pay even $25 (much less $299.94) for this pair of floral print moccasins.

Seriously, DSW. WTF is going on with this shoe selection?

Death on a Platter
I know you will find this hard to believe, but the green stuff tasted even worse than it looks.

My favorite wine bar, Max’s Wine Dive, changed up their menu, and this was a new addition … “French escargot in honey bacon and sweet onion butter with hon shimeji mushroom, grilled crouton, and parsley foam.”

My friends and I were very excited to try it, and quite frankly, I wasn’t worried about the parsley foam because I have always lived under the assumption that parsley has no flavor.

I was so wrong. Parsley does have a flavor (especially in foam form) and it is called ASS. It was by far the worst thing I have put in my mouth in a very long time. In fact, it was so bad that I wiped off my tongue and did my best to quarantine the nastiness to one side of the plate.

What are we drinking?
According to this article … “bacteria, caffeine, the pain reliever acetaminophen, fertilizer, solvents, plastic-making chemicals and the radioactive element strontium.” WTF?


Mr. Lipstick can bite me

My main task at work over the past week has been responding to angry emails. Sometimes it’s nice, because I can change a person’s perspective and make them feel better about AIG, other times I get really nasty responses that make me feel like total crap.

The last email I read before leaving yesterday afternoon (to go buy a million dollar battery for the Range Rover) said something like “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. Your response is the lipstick, and your company is the pig!” Nice. And of course I can’t respond back with what I REALLY want to say, so I internalize all that crap and go on with my day.

When I got to the RR repair shop, I sat down and noticed this across the room.

How cute is that? I don’t know why, but seeing this table full of homemade goodies totally changed my mood. Binoculars made from toilet paper tubes…only 50 cents! How about a paper purse for two bucks? Need to brush up on your math? Take a quiz!

The owner’s daughter is 8 years old, and apparently she restocks her little “shop” quite often. And she’s made over $80 so far. How is that for being a little entrepreneur? So I bought a drawing of a butterfly and decided that Mr. Lipstick just needs a different perspective on things.

Over the hump

It’s been a long few weeks…long, long, long few weeks. Besides hurricanes and stomach viruses and other small things here and there, I also work at AIG. Maybe you have heard of them? Anyway, I am only telling you so you will feel extra sorry for me.

So pretty much everything has been a shit storm lately, but after AIG’s big announcement today, I think I am over the hump. I intend to celebrate this weekend with cocktails, maybe a pedicure and a massage, some quality time with my family, and staying away from all computers, Blackberries and other technological torture devices.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

WTF, Nabisco? Where is my other cracker? You have no idea how badly I needed that second cracker today. I haven’t eaten since Monday due to some killer stomach virus and when I was finally ready to chance it, and eat the yummy goodness that is Club crackers, there was only one.

So as you can probably tell by my irrational anger over a cracker, my family is a little on the edge. Poor Anabella came down with this vomiting thing on Monday and by Tuesday, Dan and I both had the same thing. Super Scarlett has managed to walk away unscathed…at least so far. Just look at my poor, pitiful Anabella waiting to get her medicine at the pharmacy. Can you believe Nabisco cheated her mommy out of a cracker?