“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

OMG, are you f*cking serious? There is a typo embedded into the technology of my new car!!!! WTF???

I will now be forced to look at this every time I make a phone call. Clearly Land Rover has no understanding of what this will do to me. And don’t tell me it’s because you’re British or some stupid sh*t … you are owned by Ford now.

Fix it, Land Rover … FIX IT!


Now for a funny, and non-Rhonda-traumatizing WTF…

… someone has way too much time on their hands. (The title of this email was “why men should not be allowed to play with action figures.”)

WTF? Quit playing with dead animals, dudes.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving roadkill.

I am so F*cking OVER you …

I have banked with many different institutions in my life and I can honestly say that Wells Fargo is the worst. Beyond the worst … it’s the devil. Maybe the bank isn’t the devil, but the devil definitely works there … and he is my account manager.

I won’t go into a long, drawn out story about all the bad thing Wells Fargo has done to me … but here are a few highlights.

1. Opened a savings account in my name WITHOUT my permission, then started automatically deducting money from my checking to put into said savings account every month. Then, didn’t pay me interest because I hadn’t signed the IRS form (maybe because I didn’t ask you to open a savings account for me, a**holes?).

2. Told me there would be a 10-day hold on a large cashier’s check and sent me a letter telling me the same. After 12 days, several charges bounce, because they decide to put an additional hold on said check without informing me (I guess Chase Bank is not a reputable source according to WF.). On top of that, they paid themselves (my car payment) first (putting my account in the negative) and then bounced several smaller charges on the same day, which would have gone through had the car payment not, and charged me $35 a pop for each.

3. After depositing CASH, at lunchtime, I find out they didn’t credit it immediately. Who doesn’t credit CASH on the same day if you make it in before close of business? Argh.

So the latest fiasco involved me buying a new car and riding myself of the Range Rover and Wells Fargo all in one swoop. (I have been counting the days!) I called them up, got the payoff information, filled out their little form to stop automatic withdraw of the payment from my account, sent it back and did a little dance. The end? NO.

Several days later they decide to go ahead and take out the payment, even though they probably have the payoff check in their satanic little hands, which of course overdrafted the account … because it has no money in it since I intend to close it ASAP. So now, even though they have an extra car payment in their possession, they have been psycho calling me all weekend because my account is in overdraft.

Only the devil would pay himself a car payment on a car that has been PAID OFF from an account that has no money in it.

Zoo Day goes Rated X

On Sunday, we had incredibly gorgeous weather, so we decided to take the girls to the zoo. I was a little hesitant because a baby elephant died last week and Anabella always looks forward to seeing him. Luckily, three-year olds are easily distracted by leaves or pigeons or whatever, so we didn’t have to deal with the death issue this trip.

All of the animals were out enjoying the cool weather. I even managed to get most of them to look right at me for a photo.

Does anyone else watch Meercat Manor? We love that show and our zoo has a really cool Meercat exhibit.

The big cats are usually hiding mid-day, but they were all out lounging around on Sunday. Look at the paws on this big boy.

Only in Texas would you find an armadillo on the carousel. And look at Anabella’s face … she cracks me up.

Oh, and just so you know. Sunday is Leather-Pants-For-Dads Day at the zoo. WTF?

Okay, here is the real zoo scoop. This is a very bad monkey.

I could skip the monkeys all-together, but Anabella loves them (probably something about sharing a love of playing with poo). Anyway, this monkey was acting all freaky, so I ask Dan “what is he doing?” Within seconds it became VERY clear what he was doing, so we steered Anabella in the other direction.

As we get to the other side of the cage Mr. Spank lives in, there he is again, plopped down in front of the crowd. Before I could even ask if it was the same monkey, Dan, Anabella and Scarlett were off to the next exhibit. I decide to take this picture (so I could blog about him) and before I get my eye away from the lens, Mr. Spank starts up again … and “finishes” his business. That’s right, I got a telephoto view of the whole event.

And really, this is all my friend Halle’s fault. Just last Friday she was telling me that she and her husband were reading my blog and she couldn’t think of anything worse than getting blue poo water on yourself.
Well, guess what? Watching a monkey enjoy a happy ending is worse than blue poo water. I can’t even believe I am saying that, but seriously people, I was very disturbed and now have that burned in my mind forever.

I’m so f*cking OVER you …

TEXANS! Not Texans meaning us cool people who live in Texas, but The Texans as in the football team.

I am so tired of dragging my ass to Reliant Stadium every other Sunday to see them lose. It’s depressing. Especially because 1.) we have a lot of good players, and 2.) we have spent a lot of money to be season ticket holders for 7 years of losing seasons.

I know we are a new team, but COME ON. Despite what Omar thinks, they are not losing because I refuse to splash more blue poo water on myself! Get a decent quarter back. Get a better coach. Do SOMETHING. Throw money at it! Seriously, I hear that works.

Oh, and while you are at it…please get rid of the hookers who dance in the end zone after every quarter. What happened to the days when cheerleaders did CHEERS and not just slutty dances? I don’t want my daughters watching that crap.

So to wrap this rant up with something completely not related to the Texans sucking, a little fun fact about me. Here is the view from my seat …

And here is where I watch the game.

I think somebody has a TV problem.

Will the POOP ever stop?

I walked into my bedroom Friday night to find this pillow on the floor. (Don’t worry, I don’t have exercise mats on the floor in my room … this was taken at the pillow’s new home … the garage.)

From the distance, I was like “Hmmm, what’s that pillow doing in here? And what is on it? That couldn’t be … no … that isn’t … SH*T!!!!”

So of course I scream for Dan, because this clearly happened on his watch.

Dan: That’s definitely Frankie. Frankie sh*t all over that thing.

Me: So you are saying you think Frankie balanced on this ball while doing his business. Or you think he moved around so he could crap on various different spots on it?

Dan: I don’t know! That’s definitely dog sh*t.

Upon further investigation, we noticed spots on the carpet where poop had previously resided. And then it became crystal clear what happened.

Me: Anabella, did Frankie poop?

Anabella: Yes, in your bedroom. I cleaned it up.

Me: (in my head) OMG, are you serious? You used a silk, Marge Carson pillow to roll up dog sh*t off the floor? WTF??

Me: (out loud) That was really nice of you to help clean up, Anabella. Next time, tell mommy or daddy and let’s use a paper towel, okay?

Anabella: (big, sweet smile) Okay, mommy.

Clearly, the poop is never going to stop. Ever since Anabella arrived, it has been a constant in my life … kind of like sunrises, Pinot Grigio and cussing.

And if you are wondering why I still have the Poop Pillow, it’s because my irrational mind is not totally convinced yet that it can’t be cleaned.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

Scarlett came home from school today with this hairdo, if you can even call it that.

WTF? My adorable baby doesn’t need a weird, Alfalfa ponytail. Look at her face. Does she look like she is enjoying this?

Now, the do that resulted from removing the ponytail was actually quite amusing.

Photo Op Weekend

Just a few photos from our Halloween weekend. This is the first time Anabella understood what trick-or-treating means (“they are going to give me candy?!”), so she was really pumped. Scarlett went as a little witch. Couldn’t keep the hat on her, but she looked pretty cute anyway.

Anabella wanted to be a pirate … of course she had her “Arrrrrrr!” down perfectly, and she was the World’s Most Polite Trick-or-Treater ever, yelling “Thank YOU! Happy Halloween!” as she left every house.

Here is Winston in his pirate outfit. That’s Chloe, our neighbor’s daughter, who wanted to share her candy … apparently Winston looked like he needed a tootsie roll. When I mentioned he could barely fit into his costume, she decided to keep it for herself.

Saturday morning, we woke up to find a giant pile of itty bitty pieces of tin foil on the dining room table. I totally flipped out, thinking that Anabella had eaten 50 pieces of chocolate before 8:00 a.m., but then she showed me this.

I guess she just liked unwrapping them. Whew.

And here is a picture of Anabella at a princess birthday tea party on Saturday morning. She wanted to take the outfit off as soon as we got in the car.

And she was completely OVER it after 15 minutes and 3 cups of “tea.” I have to admit … I love that she isn’t a super girly-girl. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just that I’m not a bows/bedazzled/glittery kind of girl either.

Anabella was completely disinterested in Cinderella, who had the full attention of all the other princesses, and spent about 20 minutes sitting in a chair, holding a fork, and staring down the cake.

That’s my girl!