“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

I would like to know who DOESN’T use bathroom tissue?

Did the people who previously sent back this survey ask for an “opt out” on the bathroom tissue category?

And if someone doesn’t use bathroom tissue, do we really want their survey back in the first place?

What other hygiene products do they find useless? Soap? Water?

— The B.S. Cafe is too grossed out to serve anything today!

I heart contractors?

Dear Michael:
You seemed like a very nice person, but I think we should start out with a “Best” or a “Thanks.” As much as I appreciate you unclogging my kitchen sink, I just don’t like you like that.

It’s not you, it’s me.
Friends 4-ever,

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving awkward crushes.

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to my fabulous husband Dan! We celebrated with a trip to Max’s Wine Dive last night with a few close friends. (Because nothing says “it’s your day” like hamburgers and wine.) Today, he gets to sleep in, which is probably the best gift you can give around here. I love you, baby!

It’s also the birthday of Halle, my best friend from high school. Happy birthday, Hal! Sushi this week … on me!

It’s been a crazy weekend … going-away parties (I’ll miss you, Kara!), kid birthday parties (happy 3rd, Cole!), Dan’s birthday and now, the Oscars. I have a few friends coming over to watch. And, of course, the highly coveted Golden Biatch will be bestowed upon some lucky girl for the next year. Personally, I’m excited to see Hugh Jackman as host. Could he be any hotter?

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving birthday cake.

Cuteness abounds … then retreats

I have found myself a bit overwhelmed by Anabella lately. One moment she is sweetest, most adorable child ever. The next, I expect her head to do a 360 in some crazy Linda-Blair-style rampage.

Cute stuff
She was very excited about Valentine’s Day, so we spent Friday night slowly going through all the valentines she received in her MDO program. We made valentine cards for everyone in the family on Saturday, and Sunday we spent several hours decorating cookies for a tea party we hosted yesterday for a few of her friends.

Look at those cute little tea cups. And she sweetly poured tea for everyone (including mommy) and made sure their cups stayed filled.

Not-so-cute stuff
At some point, she snuck into my bedroom and squirted toothpaste all over the carpet again. (And no, I hadn’t taken Bee and Kim’s advice and switched to white yet!)

She threw temper tantrums at nap and bedtime every day this weekend … six total, since I had yesterday off. (I can’t tell you how glad I am not to be home for nap time today!)

She also somehow managed to get her hand on some kiddie scissors and decided to give her sister a haircut. Luckily she only trimmed one perfect lock of hair. (Right at the root though! I can only imagine the damage that could have been done.) But I am going to throw it in the baby book and call it “Baby’s first haircut.” That will be a good story for later, right?

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving patience. Lots of patience.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

My entire department went to volunteer at the Houston Food Bank yesterday, where we spent three hours sorting boxes of donated food. Some of the stuff was truly disgusting (such as cans that had busted open and had nasty, moldy contents seeping out of them), and some was just weird (like an entire box full of fortune cookies, soy sauce and rice noodles), but nothing was more disturbing than this … which, of course, was in one of MY boxes.

WTF, people? This is called the FOOD Bank, not the Hygiene Bank. Please continue to donate your cranberry sauce, salad dressing and canned veggies (and lots of those little containers of fruit)…. but keep the extra personal products to yourself. We really don’t need to see that.

Good thing I was wearing those gloves.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving that not-so-fresh feeling.

A warning to future 40 year olds

Just an FYI – Black icing does the following to teeth, tongues, fingers, etc.

Who knew black icing was so menacing?
Being the person responsible for bringing this cake, I wish I could say I felt bad, but I didn’t. It was f*cking hysterical to see everyone smile with stained black teeth. Kim even had black icing stains on her fingers (from doling out cake) and her arm (not sure how that happened). She looked like she had been fingerprinted earlier in the day!

All those fire extinguisher jokes are actually true
I am also not sorry for putting 40 candles on the cake, instead of just a nice “4” and a “0.” It was quite a blaze! (Seriously. I burned myself several times trying to light all those damn candles.)

So, KB is probably just counting the days until my 40th birthday, when I am sure she will “return the favor.”

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving chocolate cake with toxic black icing. But heck, we’re all old so does it really matter anymore?

Happy Birthday, KB!

My good friend KB turned the big 4-0 last week and we celebrated last night with lots of cocktails, dancing and general tomfoolery. I really don’t go “out out” very often (because dealing with two toddlers while nursing a hangover is like going to a rock concert with a migraine), but after a few glasses of wine and two double Grey Goose and cranberries, 25-year-old Rhonda showed up … dancing and ordering shots.

And I almost pulled off the whole “38 is the new 25 thing”, but here is how I know that a.) I cannot party like a 20 year old, and b.) I was way over served last night.

  1. I convinced my husband to stop at Jack in the Box at 1:30 a.m. where I proceeded to order a very large hamburger and an egg roll.
  2. My bar tab – $160
  3. First thought this morning … “I hope no one publishes any of those photos to Facebook/Blogger/MySpace” (And immediately sent text messages to every one with a camera).
  4. Drove to Sonic at 9:00 a.m. to order a Coke for breakfast
  5. Took my first shot of Jagermeister in well over 15 years
  6. The faint memory of dancing to the Flo Rida song “Low,” and slapping my own ass in a public place.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving shots of “Act your age.”