“What the f*ck am I doing on the executive floor?” Edition

It’s week two of my life on the executive floor. It’s been surprisingly okay and I haven’t had to taper too much. In fact, I thought it would be very quiet and proper, and it’s actually quite the opposite. I’m still not dropping f-bombs or taking dance breaks, but it’s only a matter of time.

So here’s the scoop.

More security than Fort Knox
Cameras everywhere! Coming or going by elevator? Someone knows.(Don’t pull your panties out of your butt in this elevator lobby.) In fact, I probably got a demerit in my personnel file when they saw me taking this photo.

“Did you know you have gone to the restroom five times today? We know. We see you.” WTF? Can’t I walk past the freight elevator without Big Brother checking me out?

The bright side of all this security is that practically no one has access to the floor. You don’t get to see me unless I want to see you. Muahahahaha.

Top-notch snacks and such
Free soft drinks and Starbucks every day, all day. We even have several blends to chose from … and no more powdered creamer. Hooray.

We also get to nosh on the remnants from executive meetings. Free chips and pickles? You had me at “leftovers.”


Helpful signs everywhere
Did you forget how to wash your hands? There’s a handy how-to guide right next to the sinks. (Really? Even my four year old remembers how to wash her hands.)

Stressed? Feeling the pressure of being on the executive floor? If that is you in picture #3, you need a massage. (WTF is up with that couple in the middle? Did they get a headache when they realized they were at Olan Mills? Or maybe they need a V8.)

And finally, awkward moments

My favorite was going to the ladies room and finding the CFO and an EVP having a powwow. I wasn’t sure if I should just turn around and come back later, or go ahead and do my business. Do I really want to pee in the background while they are making important executive decisions?