Author Archives: Rhonda

The week in review…as seen by my iPhone

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After discovering that Voles might not be as bad as Omar makes them out to be (Look! This one even has musical talent.)…

And getting my ass kicked by my two year old while her daddy was out of town the week of Thanksgiving (Yes, this is the extreme I had to go to to keep her in her room one night. She outwitted me by discovering our handles go “up” too!)…


I decided to just spent lots of quality time with my “foxy” baby this past week. (Isn’t she cute…and the sweet little outfit is courtesy of “Aunt” Laura. Thanks, LC!)

I also made a few trips to our new HEB…the current Mecca of my universe. And I totally adore them for having “child” parking. Finally, a perk! (Besides the whole joy of parenting thing, of course.)


Then, I snuck out of the house one night (with a bottle of wine) to meet my friend Tracie for pedicures. I am so brain dead that I wore closed-toe shoes…which means I was forced to wear these lovely wood-grain foam flop things out in public. And not just “out in public” like to my car…we went to a restaurant afterwards and I wore these inside. How daring and carefree is that?


Next, a WTF taken on the sly at the bank on Friday. Can you see the dashboard? It’s held together with duct tape. I am no mechanic, but I am pretty sure that if you have to use duct tape to keep your dashboard/steering wheel attached to your car, you might want to consider buying a new one.


And finally, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my friend Kara who turned the big 3-0 on Friday. We celebrated in true “dirty thirties” fashion. (You should see the photos from the END of the evening!)

A moment of clarity…courtesy of PetsMart

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Finally. My new job description presents itself. Thank you, PetsMart.

That’s right. I’m a “Stool Manager.” Don’t be sad for me. I run a department of 6, not including myself.
  • There’s the two cats, who produce three litter boxes of stool per week.
  • Next are the two dogs, who produce at least a Target bag full of stool once a week. And as a bonus, Winston the Bulldog works overtime, bringing me extra stool in the form of dingle berries at least once a day. (Note to bloggy friends: Do not buy a dog that has an a**hole that points up. You will be wiping his butt until the day he dies.)
  • Finally, we have the two little girls. One who produces adult-like poo and likes to spread it around, literally. And the smaller one, who kindly keeps it in her diaper, but produces a stool that is slightly less appealing to the senses…if that’s really even possible.

And to think, just 3 years ago I was just a measly self-employed communications consultant who had the world in her hand. Look at me now people!

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday – General Moaning and Groaning

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Have you missed me? The hubby was gone for 10 days over the past 2 weeks, so my “free” time was spent either sleeping, or caffeinating myself to the point of the jitters. To say it’s a little hellish when he isn’t here would be a bit of an understatement, and any posts would have been me whining about taking care of the kids alone, so really I saved you all from wanting to cyber slap me. So here’s an extra long WTF Wednesday to make up for my absence.

RAGE ROVER
That’s me. Because my Range Rover has suddenly turned into a piece of crap. The “service engine soon” light came on, so I took it to the dealership. I got in my loaner car (which was brand new and had all of 40 miles on it) and it proceeded to break down not 2 hours later. When I got my car back, it drove fine for a few days and then completely overheated and had to be towed to the dealership again. (Luckily the hubby was in it at the time…his payback for being out of town so much…ha!) So it’s back in the shop. The car does have over 70K miles on it, but WTF? This is the 3rd time it has been in the shop this year…twice for the SAME problem. And of course we only have a few thousand miles of warranty left. I am starting to think that cars have some sort of countdown clock to the end of warranty and then things just start falling apart.
IT’S A-N-A-B-E-L-L-A
I have apparently cursed my daughter with a name that is doomed to be misspelled for her entire life. We intentionally only used one “n” because my husband has some irrational fear of people calling her “Ann.” But now it seems that no one can spell it correctly. It doesn’t really bother me, except when they constantly misspell it at her preschool. Any of you who have or know a kid in preschool knows that I have to put her name on EVERYTHING. This is just a sampling…

It’s practically stamped on her forehead and tattooed on her ass, so it’s kind of irritating that her teachers, who see her name on everything she owns, still misspell it day in and day out. See her name in the middle of this commemorative plate from their class last year (by the yellow flower)? Notice anything wrong? WTF?


THE LEAST ECONOMICAL VEHICLE EVER
I was at Sam’s this week and noticed a bunch of firefighters shopping for what I assume to be supplies for the fire station. It didn’t turn into a “WTF?” until I got in the parking lot and saw them loading their basket of stuff into an actual fire engine. That seems really wasteful to me. WTF, fire fighters? It wasn’t like you stopped by Sam’s on the way back from a fire. And although I respect and admire you more than words can say, couldn’t you guys jump in a car to do the shopping? Driving four Hummers to Sam’s probably would have saved money on gas.

And finally, I am SO sick of people almost killing me while they drive and talk on cell phones. I know I’ve talked about it before, but it seems to be getting worse. Last week one of my neighbors almost had a head-on collision with my dad when she pulled out of our subdivision and onto the wrong side of the divided street while chatting on the phone. She even honked at him and gave him the “WTF?” look before she realized she was heading into oncoming traffic. I almost want to run for office so I could make it my personal mission to ban cell phones in cars. Am I the only person who feels this way? Under my rule, these signs would be posted everywhere!

Me Eat Pretty Houses

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In our old neighborhood, where I still take my daughter to preschool, these signs are in every yard. Apparently, someone wants to put up a high rise. And while I am way too tired to take a side at the moment (it’s a constant zoning debate here in Houston…we don’t have any and that appears to be a problem!), I always laugh when I see these signs.

I picture the building coming to life and stomping around the neighborhood like Godzilla. “MEAN BUILDING EAT HAPPY NEIGHBORHOOD AND PEEK IN PEOPLE’S WINDOWS!”

They definitely get an A+ in the marketing department. This is the most memorable advertisement I have seen in a while.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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One way to keep the 2 year old somewhat in line while nursing the baby is to turn on Sesame Street or The Wiggles. It’s a not a perfect trick, but it does keep the destruction and tantrums minimal. But, it also turns my mind to mush, being that I am a “captive” audience.

So, I have been watching so much children’s programming that I have found myself having issues with Elmo or Greg or whoever. For instance, Murray was explaining how all the Wiggles and their friends helped out with the furniture when they moved into Wiggle house. But in the next episode, the Little Wiggles are living in Wiggle house with all the same furnishings. WTF Wiggles? Did you think that would slide past me?

And Elmo…well, I love him. I rarely get too crazy watching him, but he needs to stop with the third person references. It gets old when Regis Philbin does it and it’s getting old with you too, Elmo. I also don’t believe that Mr. Penguin wanted his peanut butter sandwich on pumpernickel bread. I understand that the letter of the day was “P”, but WTF Sesame Street? No one would order a peanut butter on pumpernickel with a potato and pineapple. No one.

I would think that maybe I was losing my mind a little, if my husband hadn’t recently mentioned that he is having “issues” with Winnie the Pooh. Apparently, Winnie gave Roo a honey jar to present to his mom for her birthday, but he had eaten all the honey first. And on another episode he ate everyone’s Halloween candy. So Dan thinks Winnie is a fat, lazy, inconsiderate bear who is sending the wrong messages to children. Take that, Pooh!

And speaking of….just a little update on PoopFest 2007. Whenever my daughter goes #2 now, she comes and tells us that she has “bad poo”…which is much better than having her smear it on the walls. So, if any of you parents out there experience it, cold showers are the answer. Say no to bad poo, kids!

“What the F*ck?” Chuck

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WTF is up with Chuck Norris? He is EVERYWHERE, and I just don’t understand the attraction/love/obsession.

First, there are Walker Texas Ranger reruns on at all times of the day and night. (Per an Internet search, that show went off the air 6 years ago…it’s time to let it go, folks. Seriously. And for all you non-Texans who think that the show is a representation of life here in the Lone Star State, please come visit.)

Then, of course, there are the non-stop infomercials of Chuck and Christie Brinkley selling The Total Gym. I was also recently watching a episode of Late Night with Conan O’Brien (which I NEVER watch), and he was playing clips from Chuck Norris movies. I turned on the radio last week and the morning show guys from the hippest station in town were giving out Chuck Norris “facts”… such as “Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father” and “Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.” (Which were actually kind of funny, but I had no idea everyone held Chuck Norris in such high regard.)

He’s in a Mountain Dew commercial (that is also pretty funny) and he also has a new Honda commercial with the tag line “tough meets classy.”

So I have to know people…WTF is up with Chuck Norris??? He seems like a nice enough guy…I mean, he doesn’t make me want to vomit like say, Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van D*ckhead. But I still don’t get it.

Enlighten me…PLEASE.

New Tricks

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Although it appears that PoopFest 2007 may have finally come to an end, nothing is ever boring with my precious Anabella. I mean, she can’t just be good, right?

So her new trick…

After putting her to bed one night last week, my mommy radar kicked in and I had that feeling that I should check the monitor to see if she was okay. When i turned on the video, I was greeted by my little girl doing what I have dubbed as “Toddler Tae Bo” in the nude. She was standing in bed, doing all kinds of kicks and jumps and toe touches. I have to admit that it was pretty friggin funny, until I pictured what would happen if she need to potty.

So I ran upstairs and was greeted by little Miss NakedPants smiling all sweetly. “HI!” she said. Then she walked over to the dresser, picked up her pajamas and diaper (which she had folded up neatly before placing them there), and brought them to me. I redressed her, kissed her goodnight, and we made it through the evening without further incident.

Until two days later when it was time for another nighttime nuddie workout.