Author Archives: Rhonda

Where the hell is Rhonda?

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In a dark corner holding herself in the fetal position? Not yet.

BIG kudos to all of you ladies out there who have managed a toddler and a newborn. I know it’s not impossible and yet, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. So the reason I haven’t been posting much is because every “free” minute is used to make me feel sane again…by doing things like showering, eating and going to the restroom.

The highlight of this past week was finding my second gray hair. There it was sticking straight out from my temple. (The first showed up after I got married…and now this one appears once my sweet Anabella hits her terrible twos. No coincedence there.) Of course, I got right to work ridding myself of it, but unfortuately several innocent red hairs died in the process. Why are those little gray ones so hard to pull? Anyway, Dan put his fabulous spin on it.

Me: I can’t believe I have a second gray hair! I’m only 37.

Dan: Well, at least it’s not down there.

Me: Yes, that is quite a relief.

So, Here’s the stats, in case anyone besides me is interested:

Times I’ve been projectile puked on: 4
Number of times I was fully dressed and ready to leave the house when it happened: 2
Times I’ve been peed on while changing a diaper: 3
Pounds lost: 37
Number of things I have bought off infomercials: 0 (only becuase I haven’t had the energy to find my credit card.
Number of cold showers for Anabella after playing with poop: ZERO! Thank you for small miracles. However, she does have a new “trick”, which I will tell you all about tomorrow.

Oh, and did I mention that we all fighting off a cold? Lovely.

Weekend Dose of Cuteness

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She will 4 weeks old tomorrow and I already see a little of me in her…besides the good looks, of course. Like her mama, Scarlett hates to have her feet covered and will wiggle endlessly until they are free.

“What the Fuck?” Wednesday – Halloween Horror

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I love Target…anyone who knows me knows this to be true. But I have to say that I was a little disturbed when I noticed some of the costumes they are marketing to girls through their Target brand. As a mom of two little girls, this is the kind of stuff that makes me wonder how in the hell I am going to raise smart, savvy, self-respecting women.

What do these costumes say to you?

“Hi. I’m a GEISHA, which means I am here to entertain men. Yes, I know I am only seven, but since they put ‘spider’ in front of geisha, no one should find this disturbing.”

“Look how cute being in the military is! Make your top a little sassy and wear heels with your uniform…viola! Being the army is downright sexy, fashionable and fun.”

WTF Target? Is anyone actually thinking before they put this stuff on the shelf?

New product for men

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I was keeping my mind stimulated the other night by reading the grocery receipt, when I stumbled upon a very strange purchase.


Could it be some new gel/foam/lubricant/happy pill that will keep my husband’s Mr. How Do You Do “preserved” while we endure the doctor mandated sexual hiatus for the remaining 3 weeks?? I rummaged through the cabinets trying to figure out what he bought for his penis, when I finally came across the DICKINSON’S Strawberry Preserves in the pantry (notice that just three items down, the Dickinson’s Pumpkin Butter is abbreviated quite differently).

So for my next job, I want to be the person who decides what abbreviations go on the receipts at the grocery store. (The current guy seems like he might be like Brad Pitt in Fight Club…getting a kick from sneaking in one frame of porn into the kid movies.) Of course, I would be less sexual/pornographic and more humorous/sarcastic. Kind of like when Omar bought a “boy toy” at Burger King!

My week in review

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Unfortunately, my life is pretty boring at the moment. It’s all babies, lessons in patience, and watching TV. But to keep myself entertained, I have been keeping track of some personal stats. Here are the current tallies:

  • Times I’ve been projectile puked on: 2

  • Times I’ve been peed on while changing a diaper: 2

  • Pounds lost: 33 (I gained 50, so don’t be too impressed, especially since I still had “baby weight” from the last one!)

  • Number of cold showers for Anabella after playing with poop since the baby came home: 3
  • Number of things I have bought off infomercials: 0 (this is quite a feat)
  • Number of things I am very tempted to buy off an infomercial: 2 (The Tobi steamer looks really cool.)
  • Number of times I have been tempted to drink heavily after dealing with terrible two year old: Countless

What the F*ck? Wednesday – The man I can’t escape

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WTF is up with Kevin Trudeau? This guy is everywhere…if you are up all night long watching TV, that is. He has an infomercial on every other channel…he’s apparently quite a know it all…he has the secrets! Weight loss or alternative cures to diseases or speed reading or increasing your memory…Kevin Trudeau has the answer. But the real kicker is that he isn’t a doctor nor has he had any medical training…WTF, TV people? You don’t have to be qualified to dispense medical advice these days?


And WTF happened to the cool infomercials where they actually sell stuff a sleep-deprived woman wants? During the first few months of my other daughter’s life, I bought a Magic Bullet, the Paint Buddy, the 6-week Body Makeover, the TurboJam Workout and a Scunci Steamer. Now my only choices are some nut job giving out medical advice and people who want me to buy foreclosed homes. Am I going to have to start watching QVC or HSN? I can only take so many more late night reruns of The Hills and The Real World.

It’s not Thursday?

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I know I promised a pic and post by last Thursday, but apparently I was high on hormones. I forgot just how much having a baby kicks your ass. But I digress….

INTRODUCING….Scarlett Mae!!

Turns out that she was a big baby (thank goodness!). She weighed in at 8 pounds and 14 ounces. She’s a total sweetheart, and a very good baby so far (knocking on wood), I just didn’t realize the challenge I was facing coupling new baby/sleep deprivation with trying to maintain a happy relationship with my two year old. She’s lost it several times, and I was not at all prepared for the feelings of guilt, sadness, etc.

But other than that, everything is GREAT. Ha!

And thanks for all the notes….I really appreciate it. If you leave a comment on this post, you can be a part of Scarlett’s permanent record. (I am going to print it out and put it in her baby book. So keep it clean people.)

Top 5 reasons I am glad to be having this baby tomorrow

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5. This naming ordeal will finally be over, because no we still haven’t made a final decision on a name yet.

4. I will be one step closer to retiring my maternity panties. (For those who haven’t walked this road, maternity panties are worse than granny panties because they are extra, extra large in the front. It’s bad enough that I have to look at them while pulling them out of the dryer, but the real embarrassment is packing them in your suitcase and knowing some TSA guy is making a joke about your big-ass panties.)

3. Three days in the hospital with no Wiggles or Sesame Street! I’ve been spending way too much time with them lately. I was on my way to meet some friends last Thursday and had been alone in my car for 15 minutes before I realized I was not only listening to, but also SINGING along with my daughter’s Wiggles CD.

2. Seeing my toes, bending over without grunting, walking without a waddle, sitting straight up in bed (instead of having to roll)…and (hopefully) not having to endure any more comments about how HUGE I am.

1. HAVING A NEW BABY! Playing with those tiny little fingers and toes, holding a sweet little person in your arms for the first time, watching them watching you watching them….I can’t wait.

So wish us luck. I won’t be home until Thursday, but I will try my best to at least post her photo and name when I return.

Things that make me happy today

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Well, between all of my pregnancy complaints and PoopGate 2007, I have still managed to find extreme joy this past week.

My new luv-er, Mr. iPhone
The hubby bought me an iPhone as a “thanks for having my baby” gift. I have to give him major kudos, because it almost makes the acid reflux, lack of sleep, weight gain, itchy rash, and numerous other maladies worthwhile. Mr. iPhone has all kinds of fabulous tricks up his sleeve, and playing with him is an almost orgasmic experience. If you have an inclination to buy one, especially now that the price has been lowered, I say “DO IT!” Mr. iPhone will rock your world.

Flipping Out
TV is finally coming back. I know a lot of you are “too busy” or “too smart” to watch TV, but I’m not. I love TV, especially the entertaining and mostly mindless stuff. My favorite show of the moment is “Flipping Out” on Bravo. It’s the perfect combo of home improvement and reality. Jeff flips gorgeous multi-million dollars houses in California, but he also has OCD, ADHD, narcissistic personality disorder, and anger management issues. What could be more perfect? Oh yeah, he’s good looking and gay and has a flock of assistants that are non-stop entertaining. So you get cool house ideas coupled with a totally fabulous nut job who says stuff like this…

(Putting in his drink order at lunch) “Ideally, I’d like 75% lemonade, 10% fruit punch and 15% Sprite. If they don’t have lemonade, then do 75% fruit punch and 25% Sprite. If they don’t have fruit punch, then do 75% lemonade and 25% Sprite.” The final episode aired last night, but they are replaying the entire season, so check it out. I promise it will not disappoint.

Half-naked, headless men
I saw this billboard recently, and not only did I nearly wreck trying to get a good look (Way to go, Abercrombie! Finally, some decent female porn.), but then my friend Kelly tells me this is the view from her new office. Lucky bitch. I know the picture isn’t great, but you get the idea. A perfect, but headless body…genius.


Think there is any chance I can convince Abercrombie & Fitch to put one in my backyard so I have something to look at over the next 6 to 8 weeks? I mean, besides my sweet, new baby (who will be here in just 5 days!) of course.