Author Archives: Rhonda

Cease Fire

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I am very happy to report that we have not experienced any more poo problems since Sunday. Of course, I’ve been on Red Alert 24/7…always watching for the poo making face and reprimanding my little monkey whenever she reaches toward the back of her diaper.

However there was an incident yesterday….she ate TWO bananas for lunch. She has always loved bananas, and usually has one with breakfast, but instead of eating her fabulous Mexican lunch of chicken, cheese, rice, tortillas, etc., she just kept saying “banana” over and over. So I gave her one, which she ate very quickly and then said “more.” So I gave her another.

I would also like to mention that she was playing with her toes a lot yesterday.

So let’s take a poll…

Labor Day (Poo) Party Weekend

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The holiday took on a whole new meaning at our house this year. On Friday, my sweet little daughter found a new fun way to pass the time…playing with her own poo. I went to get her from her afternoon nap, and even though her diaper and pants were still on, little pieces of poo were everywhere.

She’s been in a toddler bed for several months now, so we have a baby gate at her bedroom door to keep her from freely roaming around at night. Apparently she wasn’t pleased with the pace at which I came to release her from captivity, so she decided to throw poo over the gate to let me know. It was like visiting the zoo and having the monkeys throw crap at you.

So after 45 minutes of “laboring” over poo cleanup, I started to get a little worried. Why does she not find this disgusting? How could I stop this from happening again? After a little online research, I found that this is a fairly common problem in toddlers (WHEW) and also found several ideas for putting a stop to the problem.

Unfortunately for the babysitter (the crazy sitter from past posts), I forgot to share all of this information and she was greeted with a similar scene when she went to get Ms. Thing from her bedroom on Sunday morning. (We were at a swanky hotel for a one-night “babymoon”.) Whoops.

Later that evening, the hubby commented that perhaps our little angel was doing this because she was immediately whisked into a bubble bath after each incident, which is her all time favorite thing at the moment.

So even though I am worried all over again (if she is this clever at 2, what is she going to be like at 16?), the idea has also helped me to get over the grody factor because now my child is a genius, not just some average poo-flinger.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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WTF is up with Leona Helmsley leaving 12 MILLION dollars to her dog? I can’t think of one reason to do that, no matter how much money I had…or how angry I was at my relatives. Wouldn’t you just leave the money to an animal charity or maybe leave it to an actual PERSON with the stipulation that they take care of the precious dog/cat/whatever?

And how does it even work when you leave it directly to the animal? Does Trouble (yes, that’s her name) have her own AmEx? And what the heck is that dog going to do with that much money? There are only so many treats, bones, squeaky toys, etc. that a dog can buy. (Maybe she’ll fund a cat-fighting ring. Ha.)

And who is this dog going to leave the money to when SHE dies? The cat?

So many questions…

So Lazzzzzy

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Less than 3 weeks to go, and….

  1. We still don’t have a name.
  2. I’ve never felt more lethargic in my entire life. (all I have been doing is reading and watching TV…and everything makes me cry!)
  3. I am so OVER being pregnant that I am now looking forward to actually having this baby….sleep be damned.
  4. I realized this week that I kind of miss booze.
  5. I have plenty of other things to blog about…I just haven’t. I promise to get off my a** and write about something besides me, me, me (and this baby) tomorrow.

Responsibility Sucks

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It’s the end of an era. We sold the Hummer over the weekend, and I hate to admit it, but we are both going through a bit of a mourning period. It was a fairly impractical vehicle, especially with another baby due on the scene soon, but we both really loved that thing. It was the last remnant from our carefree days (meaning before kids), it was fun to drive (scaring people and feeling powerful is FUN), and it was a vehicle we both dreamed of owning in our teenage years…so it was like a little gas-guzzling dream come true.

So farewell, Hummer. You will be greatly missed!

I guess the good news is that now we only own 2 of the very bad, earth-killing things in this photo (according to Al Gore and No Cool Story).

On the baby naming front, what do yal think of the name Marielle?

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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Just some photos I took around Houston this week…

1. WTF, WTF, WTF Mr. Borden Delivery Man? Why was it necessary to park across THREE handicap spots to carry in one box of stuff? Unfortunately for you, I have been quite hormonal lately and took this shot to send to your company. (The real kicker is that there were only a few cars in the parking lot…plenty of other places to park.)

2. Let me start this by saying that I am sure you are a very nice woman, and I appreciate that you love Souper Salads as much as I do. And yes, I know it is rude to take a photo on the DL while someone is eating, but I just have to know….WTF is up with the toilet paper headband, lady? (Yes, that’s right…she has toilet paper wrapped around her head.)

3. Please say it ain’t so! Kohl’s is bringin’ Jelly Shoes back? WTF? Weren’t they ugly/uncomfortable enough the first time around? And who decides what “retro” things make a second round? What’s next…parachute pants?

4. And finally, the man who was honored with one of my fabulous Target parking tickets. WTF, dude? Your redneck Truck O’Death is all decked out with gun racks, camo crap, and brush guards so you can haul dead animals around, but you need to park in two spaces because you are scared of a door ding? Please don’t do this again at high noon at the Chick-fil-a…it’s hard enough to get a space in the lot at all…and next time I might leave you more than a silly parking citation.

Get it out!

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That has been my general attitude this week.

Only 4 weeks to go, and as you other moms know, I am in hell. Between acid reflux and getting seriously punched in the bladder all night long, I am getting very little sleep. Nothing fits except t-shirts and sweats. Oh, and I really haven’t done anything to prepare for this baby. It’s such a weird extreme from my first child that I think I might be in total denial that I am even having a child in the immediate future.

I’ve also been informed that this baby will be larger than my last. Apparently she will be over 8 pounds, which doesn’t bother or upset me, except when the news is delivered something like this…

Doctor: Hi there! I see from the ultrasound photos that this is going to be ONE BIG BABY.

It’s almost as bad as someone asking if you are having twins when you aren’t.

Anyway, the naming game continues on, but now my husband just points out words that rhyme with whatever name I suggest…

Me: Carys?

Him: Like “terrace?”

Me: Yes, so?

Him: (Laughter)

Me: I might kill you soon.

The only thing I don’t have to complain about this week are my recent pregnancy dreams. I’ve had very bizarre dreams for several months (being pregnant with Elvis’ baby…having a friend see me naked and then pee on my bathroom floor…just generally unnerving stuff), but this week I had a great dream.

I was married to the guy I had a crush on in high school (the handsome, popular, sweet guy that everyone liked, who is probably managing a Dairy Queen now). I drove a red, convertible Jag, and I was as pregnant as I am now, but I was so thin that no one could tell. Oh, and all the high school people were there fawning all over me. Excellent.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday — More celebrity crap

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Where to start? How about with the A**hole of the Month (officially for July, but I think he might win for August too), Michael Vick. I did a little dance when I heard that Nike and Reebok pulled his endorsements, but the celebration was over fairly quickly when I saw on CNN that he thinks this is a RACE issue. Oh, and that people are coming after him because he is “famous and wealthy.”

WTF, Michael? Are you sure it isn’t because they found like 17 dead dogs buried in your yard, along with the 50+ live dogs you had in cages? I have no idea what it is like to be a minority in America (unless you consider female a minority), and I know that many things that happen in our country are race related, but this particular issue has nothing to do with race. It has to do with being a completely heartless a**hole. If Troy Aikman got busted for this same thing, as much as it would break my heart, I would make him a**hole of the month. So please quit whining and trying to make this about something greater than just YOU being a d*ck, Michael Vick.

Ok, on to Britney Spears. WTF is up with her? I mean, I know she married a complete loser and had two children back to back (which would make any woman crazy), but it seems like she is going to go off the deep end really soon. She’s gone from attacking a car with an umbrella to throwing baby bottles and threatening to kill people. I don’t think she needs rehab, but she could definitely use some medication. Any thoughts?

Finally, OJ Simpson lost the rights to his book (hurray!). At first, I was a little put off by Ron Goldman’s family going after the publishing rights, but then I read that they want to change the name to “Confessions of a Double Murderer.” OJ actually had the nerve to be upset and call them “hypocrites.” WTF, OJ? You owe them $38 million dollars, and it was all fine and dandy when you were going to profit, but now you are mad? Ummm, okay.

Let’s just say it’s the hormones

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In the past few weeks, I have encountered several people who made me want to punch them in the face, including:

– The checkout lady at Party City who asked me if I was having twins. When I said “no,” she replied “but you are so BIG.” Yes, yes I am, f*ck you very much.
– The woman giving me a pedicure last weekend who said she didn’t even notice I was pregnant…apparently, she just thought I was wicked fat.
– The mother at Chick-fil-a who wouldn’t control her daughter (or even watch her for that matter), who insisted on pulling and pushing my daughter around (and my friend’s twin daughters) in the play area. I finally had to ask her daughter to quit manhandling them myself. Argh.

Then there are the people that I imagined doing something evil to me:
– The cashier at Chick-fil-a who I thought was giving me flack over ordering a coke, but who was actually just concerned because I was holding my stomach (it’s sort of an arm rest these days).
– The woman who kept staring to the point that I almost asked “what the f*ck is your problem?” Before I blurted it out, she said “you look so radiant.”

Man, what is wrong with me? Shouldn’t I be all glowing and nesting and whatever? Instead, I’m acting like I am in in training to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion.