Things I’ve learned recently – Jury Duty Edition

A big thanks to the powers that be for not picking me to serve on the jury. It was a child-molestation case, which is probably the last kind of trial I would chose to sit on. (It was hellish enough just listening to the charges and staring at the defendant all day.) But, as with everything else, I was able to find the humor in the situation. So here is what I learned from my day at jury duty.

1. A grand jury will indict a ham sandwich. Or so said the defense attorney. I had no idea that ham sandwiches were so dangerous, but maybe it goes back to the Cass Elliott/ham sandwich rumors.
2. People actually want to serve jury duty. When asked who wanted to be there, 22 people (out of 100), raised their hands. Most were young (early 20s) and several said it would be “cool” or “fun” to be included in the process. Others wanted to serve because their employers would pay them if they were picked. I don’t know where those people work, but it must be someplace awful. I work at AIG and I didn’t want to be there.
3. Judges want to talk to “normal” people. Our judge stopped the proceedings to find out if someone in the jury pool was maybe related to him because they shared his mother’s maiden name. This is also probably because I was in Podunk, Texas, for jury duty. (I live about 50 steps outside of the county that encompasses most of the Houston area.) I know that for sure because the guy sitting in front of me was the D.A.’s neighbor and several people knew the defense attorney because he had worked for their family or friends.
4. Old people don’t know what iPhones are. One of the many suggestions given to me for getting out of jury duty was using my iPhone during the proceedings. I checked email, sent text messages, took a picture of my juror number, and even Yammered with my coworkers, but the baliff (who was sitting one chair down from me) never said a word.

5. Human Resources professionals are better equipped to judge people. Yes, one lady actually claimed to be better suited for jury duty than EVERYONE else in the room because she was in HR. Whatever.

… and my favorite …

6. Children under the age of 8 don’t lie. I know, I can barely write that without laughing, but one man argued that point for 10 long minutes. I wanted to stand up and say “Dude, I have a three year old who lies every day about having poop in her pull-up!”

— The B.S. Cafe is now (NOT) serving its civic duty.

Things I’ve learned recently

1. If you peel a banana from the bottom up, you don’t get those gross stringy things.

Apparently that’s how monkeys do it. Hard to imagine stringy things would be a problem for animals that throw feces and sniff butts, but whatever.

2. If something is on fire, black smoke means no one is putting water on it yet.

We were watching a house fire from our 35-floor windows yesterday and my coworker Stephen says “no firetrucks yet.” I’m all like “how do you know that?” and he says “no white smoke.” Sure enough, five minutes later the black smoke turned white … fire trucks on the scene.

3. Aerosmith’s “Dude looks like a lady” is about Vince Neil.

Clearly, I am watching too much E! television.

4. Sonic has the healthiest french fries.

Thanks for the tidbit, Susan. Check out the full french-fry scoop.

5. Announcing layoffs makes everyone in your office crazy.

— The B. S. Cafe is now serving paranoia and general disgruntlement.

Things I’ve learned recently

1. Even numbered highways go east-west, while the odd ones go north-south.

2. This is a real animal … (I looked it up after one of your Silly Saturdays, NCS!)

3. There’s a little place to hang your gas cap, rather than just letting it dangle.

4. There’s a finger hole in the Saran Wrap box that keeps the roll from coming out.

5. There’s an arrow on a car’s gas gauge that tells you which side the tank is on.

Do you have some strange, obscure or unknown factoid? Comment! I want to know. (But don’t give me any crap about how you can’t believe I didn’t know the stuff above. I can’t be on top of everything, people!)

— The B.S. Cafe is currently serving a thirst for knowledge.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? A mini cash register.