“What the f*ck?” Friday

It’s all Dan’s fault this is late. Believe me, I am thinking “WTF?” all day every day, I just haven’t had time to post about it. (But he is home today, so he’s totally forgiven!)

So here’s two-weeks worth of “WTF?” stuff.

I’ve been worried about Swine Flu all week, and what I really should be thinking about is Shingles?

Ummm, maybe you are still a BACHELOR, because you can’t spell and you don’t even take the time to spell check before you emboss your car.

Hmmmm. Is a comment really necessary? Maybe if we left the head on the priest it wouldn’t seem so … you know.

Dear Range Rover: Why does my car love Nickelback so much? Nickelback is never playing and 96.5 is not an all-Nickelback station. How about giving me my Money-back for the piece of crap satellite radio that doesn’t know the difference between Nickelback and Taylor Swift?

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today?

Really, Dan?

Dan recently took the girls to Build-A-Bear Workshop. The bear on the left is Scarlett’s bear … Anabella picked it out for her. The bear on the right is Anabella’s bear. Dan swears she picked it out all by herself.

Really, Dan? The masculine-looking bear wearing camouflage … with a matching beret and dog tags (not pictured). Anabella picked that out all by herself? Her daddy, the ex-Marine, didn’t have anything to do with it? The same daddy who puts Marine Corps. stickers on every car we own? The daddy whose last three cars have been Hummers? The daddy who asked for a bulldog (the Marine Corps. mascot) for his 30th birthday? I have a hard time believing daddy didn’t coach her on this one.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving kick-ass Marine baby toys. Mameluke sword or a nice Beretta 9mm for your three-year-old daughter? Sure!

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? ALMOST a chair!

The 18-year-old lie

I was recently sitting in the lobby of Massage Envy waiting for my appointment, when a man who worked there approached me.

Man: Hi, Rhonda. Do you remember me?

Me: No, I’m sorry I don’t.

Man: I’m Jeff. I knew you when you dated Gilmer.

Me: (laughing loudly) I can assure you I have NEVER dated anyone named Gilmer.

Man: Sure you did.

Me: (Completely dumbfounded … going through list of men in head .. sure there was one Bubba, but that was short lived…)

Man: Jonathan GILMER Lastname. (a man I lived with for over a year when I was 20.) He was a good friend of mine.

Me: Are you kidding me? (start to laugh uncontrollably)

Jeff: (Completely dumbfounded) Ummm …

Me: He told me he didn’t have a middle name!! I always felt bad for him because his name was so generic. I lived with him for f*ck’s sake! I can’t believe he lied about that … (rambled on for a while longer)

Poor Jeff. I think I did manage to ask if he was married and such, but I wasn’t listening (his name might not even be Jeff). I just couldn’t let go of the G. R. (Gilmer Revelation)

So there it is. I have officially dated a Bubba and a Gilmer. Next thing you know, I am going to find out Dan’s real name is Navin or Englebert.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a renewed satisfaction with my own middle name.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today?

I think Laura is on to something here … Scarlett seems more cat-like every day. Except she’s not nearly as tidy.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

Dear “DNR European Café” owner:

I’ve been very hesitant to eat at your establishment, because here in the U.S. “DNR” stands for “Do Not Resuscitate.”

In that context, your tag line seems a little ominous, don’t you think? I’m here for lunch, not a toe tag.

Next time, you might want to run your name choices by a few locals before having the fancy sign made.

— The B.S. Café is now serving deadly yummy sandwiches from the DNR Café. Enjoy.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? (Notice the sunglasses. You don’t want to be caught without them in a laundry basket!)

Easter recap

Oh what a crazy, jam-packed weekend. After two failed attempts to get a picture with the Easter bunny, I finally gave up and tried to convince myself that Scarlett would have just cried anyway. But secretly, I’m still sad about it. (On Friday night, the line was closed, so Dan told the girls that the EB was sleeping. Saturday, the line wrapped around the place twice, so I told them the EB was sick and needed some rest for Sunday. Are we nominees for the bad parent award yet? )

Otherwise the weekend went well … birthday parties, Easter egg coloring and “hatching” (meaning Anabella squishing a hard-boiled egg), hoarding of Easter basket goodies (“MINE!”), and of course, lots of chocolate. Here’s a few photos:

Maybe now Anabella will finally quit asking me to help her make Valentine cards.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a classic Easter bunny photo from 2006. How cute is she?

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? An Easter basket, of course. (Although she couldn’t squeeze all the way into it.)

Oh no!

Scarlett’s new favorite saying … and the only response the Comcast Customer Service person could come up with when I canceled my service today.

“Oh no. We hate to lose you as a customer.”

“Oh no. I can’t believe they didn’t offer you the preferred package.”

“Oh no. That’s too bad.”

It’s cute as hell when my 18-month old says it over and over. When the lady on the telephone does it, I want to strangle someone.

My computer has also mysteriously rebooted itself five times since I got to work, and some dude in another office called and gave me an a**chewing because he wasn’t happy with the employee newsletter.

Happy Monday.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a tiny dose of Monday-morning hostility.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? A tiny tractor. She’s a bonnet and camouflage-wearing farmer. Oh no.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

WTF is up with these “toddler” shoes? Why why WHY would you put a one-inch heel on a shoe for a baby? Poor Scarlett would kill herself in these things. She trips just running around bare-footed. What’s going to happen when I put a 1-1/2 year old in wedges? What’s next, Miracle Bras for the elementary school girls?

I would also like to know WTF is up with the toddler terrorism going on at our house (Anabella!). Besides the general sassiness (“I’m sorry, but I am NOT going night-night!”), we’ve (Anabella!) now taken to evil misdeeds.

Last Saturday morning
Dan and Scarlett were napping, and I let Anabella draw with markers under my careful supervision. I got up to use the restroom and when I came back, not only had she drawn all over her arms and legs, but her lips were also colored blue and my ottoman looked like this.

WTF? I was gone for 60 seconds! When I asked her why she did it, she just shrugged. Clearly, this was a premeditated thing.
Toddler mind games … Anabella – 1, Mommy – 0.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving gratitude to Baby Jesus for the invention of washable markers.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today?

Just fry it

I took the girls to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo this week. We’ve been before, but this year Anabella really got it … she asked lots of questions about the animals, had a great time in the petting zoo, and insisted on getting a cowboy hat. A few highlights …

I’ve seen a lot of longhorns in my life, but this dude was HUGE. Seriously. This picture does him no justice.

The birthing center was extremely cool, and of course little kids love baby animals. We saw newborn calves, piglets, goats, chicks, lambs, etc.

The petting zoo was also a big hit, but I couldn’t get any photos. The animals are super aggressive if you go in there with food. A deer tried to eat my hoodie and one a**hole goat kept kicking me in the back of the leg every time I turned away from him. After 10 minutes of fighting off the inmates, all I had left was the ice cream cone the kibble came in. I gave it to Ninja Goat so we could make our escape and for the rest of the afternoon, Anabella kept saying “goats sure do like ice cream.” Ha. I don’t know what’s in the kibble, but the goats will kill you for it.

After the petting zoo, we went to get Anabella some Dipping Dots, but I somehow managed to go without eating any rodeo food. This sign is part of the reason … just the thought of all this stuff gave me premonitions of an evening full of unpleasant BMs.

Why? Why do we need to fry everything? Fries, chicken fingers, pickles … fine. But I draw the line at candy bars and key lime pie. Are we just looking for ways to make things as fattening as they can possibly be? And I am guessing the picture of the Twinkie was taken before they threw him in vat of boiling oil.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving it fried. What is it? Doesn’t matter. It’s fried.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? A carousel. But just barely. This thing was supercharged.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

A friend in the neighborhood is expecting her second child, so a few of us decided to throw her a little pampering party. (Because people are incredibly reluctant to agree to an actual baby shower for their second. What’s up with that? It’s not like we asked you to wear white pants before Memorial Day.) Manis, pedis, brunch and mimosas at a local salon … and the only gifts were diapers. Easy. We divided the food list up and it was done.

Last Saturday, I called the girls to make sure we had everything covered. Nam, who was handling cake and fruit salad, tells me she hasn’t really figured out the petit fours yet, but she’s on it. This was at 5 p.m. on Saturday for an 11 a.m. party on Sunday. I give her a little tough love and figure she will just get a cake at the grocery store and be done with it.

On Sunday morning, she shows up with these …

Of course we all ooh and ahh about how cute and fabulous they are. Come to find out, she MADE them. Not only that, she’s never made petit fours before, she just decided to try. Oh, and they were delicious. And the flowers? She made those too. Out of gum paste (whatever that is).

WTF? I guess next time I should just worry about my hash brown casserole and leave Nam alone. Not that I expect any less from her. She’s one of those Super Moms who has it all under control. Three children under 4 … no problem. Nurse twins? Handled it. Baby books? All done. (I’m still working on Anabella’s.) Completing her PhD. Uh huh.

Luckily, she’s really laid back and cusses like a sailor, so we can still be friends even when she shows up with professional-looking petit fours that she just threw together the night before.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving pastry envy.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? HOLY CRAP it’s an actual chair!

Things I’ve learned recently

1. Even numbered highways go east-west, while the odd ones go north-south.

2. This is a real animal … (I looked it up after one of your Silly Saturdays, NCS!)

3. There’s a little place to hang your gas cap, rather than just letting it dangle.

4. There’s a finger hole in the Saran Wrap box that keeps the roll from coming out.

5. There’s an arrow on a car’s gas gauge that tells you which side the tank is on.

Do you have some strange, obscure or unknown factoid? Comment! I want to know. (But don’t give me any crap about how you can’t believe I didn’t know the stuff above. I can’t be on top of everything, people!)

— The B.S. Cafe is currently serving a thirst for knowledge.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? A mini cash register.