I don’t know WTF is going on in my life, but everywhere I turn lately, someone is speaking to me in a condescending tone. Clearly this is a peek into my future — and probably what senior citizens feel like when they are being treated like children — and I am not enjoying it.
For example, Bar 1400 has these signs hanging in every bathroom stall. The bathroom manager was either a kindergarten teacher or a technical writer in his/her previous career. Just an FYI – anyone who is old enough to be in a bar probably knows how to use a effing toilet seat cover. I don’t need tone in the toilet. Especially not when I am buzzed — it pisses me off. No pun intended.
Anabella: HI MOMMY!
Me: Hey baby. I missed you! How was your day?
Anabella: You forgot to pack my ballerina clothes.
Me: Oh no. I am so sorry, Anabella. I promise to remember next time.
Anabella: That’s okay, mommy. Accidents happen. (pauses) But you need to focus. (turns and leaves)
I just stood there completely dumbfounded. Then, in my head, the tirade began …“WHAT? I need to focus? Ummm, okay, kid. Clearly you have no idea who does everything in your life. This happy little family train you ride on would have derailed a long time ago if it wasn’t for me.”
Dan smiled and said something about how cute she was. I flipped him off and went straight to the bathtub.
The very next day, I call Ticketmaster to buy tickets for the Black Eyed Peas. (I’m on a rodeo committee this year, so we had the chance to buy before they went on sale to the public.) It quickly became clear that finding four seats wasn’t going to happen …
Ticketmaster douche: The Black Eyed Peas are a very popular group, ma’am.
Me: Yes, I know. Which is why I was hoping to get tickets …
Ticketmaster douche: (clearly not listening to me) … they are a hip-hop, R&B group. They have a lot of hit songs. They are very popular.
Me: I KNOW who they are. Why do you think I am calling for tickets?
Ticketmaster douche: Oh. Well then you shouldn’t be surprised that they are sold out.
Me: These tickets aren’t on sale to the public yet, so why wouldn’t I think there might be some left?
Me: Good thing I am taking that survey at the end of this call.