Let’s just say it’s the hormones

In the past few weeks, I have encountered several people who made me want to punch them in the face, including:

– The checkout lady at Party City who asked me if I was having twins. When I said “no,” she replied “but you are so BIG.” Yes, yes I am, f*ck you very much.
– The woman giving me a pedicure last weekend who said she didn’t even notice I was pregnant…apparently, she just thought I was wicked fat.
– The mother at Chick-fil-a who wouldn’t control her daughter (or even watch her for that matter), who insisted on pulling and pushing my daughter around (and my friend’s twin daughters) in the play area. I finally had to ask her daughter to quit manhandling them myself. Argh.

Then there are the people that I imagined doing something evil to me:
– The cashier at Chick-fil-a who I thought was giving me flack over ordering a coke, but who was actually just concerned because I was holding my stomach (it’s sort of an arm rest these days).
– The woman who kept staring to the point that I almost asked “what the f*ck is your problem?” Before I blurted it out, she said “you look so radiant.”

Man, what is wrong with me? Shouldn’t I be all glowing and nesting and whatever? Instead, I’m acting like I am in in training to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Prison Isn’t So Bad

Look at all the fun these guys are having! Geesh, Paris made it seem so awful…she didn’t tell us there was dancing and singing and dress up/acting for one lucky guy. Too bad they couldn’t find someone with a full head of hair to play the girl.

Don’t forget to submit your baby name…see the post below.

Name My Baby

I’m not totally freaking out yet, but this baby will be here in 7 weeks and we still have not decided on a name. So, I’m taking it to my bloggy peeps.

Please help me think of a name for this new baby girl! And if I use your suggestion, I will send you a $50 gift card to Bed, Bath & Beyond or Best Buy…your choice.

Here are some guidelines…

1. Our last name is very generic and only one syllable (e.g. Smith), so the first name should be something long and multi-syllabic.

2. I like unusual, but not weird. (No Apple, Tallulah, etc.)My first daughter’s name is Anabella and I really like that we have yet to meet another little girl with her name.

3. No names that have been in the “top 10” within the last 10 years. Here’s a listing of those. http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/

4. We have been kicking around the names “Danni” and “Sterling,” so if you can think of a cool first/middle name to go with one of those…that meets my “how it sounds and flows” approval…you will win the gift certificate.

5. Foreign names are good, but please refer to #2.

6. If I choose your name, you can be this child’s unofficial God parent…feel free to send gifts and money on all the major holidays. ha!

I look forward to seeing what you guys come up with!

Michael Vick — A**hole of the Month

Congrats to Michael Vick. He has inspired me to start a new feature here at The B.S. Cafe entitled “A**hole of the Month.”

In case you haven’t heard, he has been indicted on felony dog fighting charges. Back in April, over 70 dogs were found on his property, and according to the indictment, several of the dogs that didn’t “perform well” were killed by various methods, including hanging, drowning, and slamming at least one dog’s body to the ground.

I could easily rant about how he must be a completely heartless person…or how he has more than enough money to entertain himself, instead of hosting $26,000 grand prize dog fights in his backyard… or how the fact that he called dog fighting a “sport” makes me want to vomit, but I think I will just call him an a**hole and leave it at that.

This is exactly why celebrities and athletes make crappy role models…Michael Vick shouldn’t be held in high regard by anyone. And as my boyfriend Jon Stewart said last night, “I’d like to cover him in liver, and let the dogs see if he is as fast and elusive as they say he is.”

If you want to do something about it, follow this link to the Humane Society website. You can send an email to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell asking him to suspend Michael Vick, because clearly the only place you can hurt this guy is in his checkbook.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday – Ladies Only Edition

Just for you ladies! Check out the URLs below for some of the strangest “feminine” products out there.

Don’t want to wear undies, but need something between you and the crouch of your pants? Go Commando!

Sick of tampons? Now you can use a CUP to catch Aunt Flow. If this product had a better “exit” strategy…and if it was flushable…it might not seem as gross.
“Humiliated by female fishy odor?” (I swear that was the text of a Google Ad on a blog I recently visited.) Check out Femanol.
I don’t know anything about curing fishy odor, but I guess Femanol is better than using Lysol as a douche. WTF is up with that?!

And finally, WTF is up with Always Maxipad commercials? Granted, I haven’t had a cycle in 8 months, being knocked up and all, but I still find myself wanting to hurt the person (MAN) who is responsible for their marketing campaign. There’s nothing like having that time of the month compared to a fun ride on a roller coaster with the tag line of “have a happy period.”
Ummm, yeah. Clearly this person (MAN) doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to menstruate. I can honestly say that having a period is many things…inconvenient, frustrating, painful, annoying, embarrassing, but NEVER EVER “happy.” Period.
And if you want to get extra annoyed, go to the website and play some of their “HAHP” games. A**HOLES.

Elmo Party a Complete Success

We hired Elmo to visit during my daughter’s birthday today, and I am happy to report that only 1 out of 9 children was completely terrified. In fact, my daughter had a complete blast. She was dancing and running around like a crazy girl…it was so cute.
Elmo was accompanied by a “handler,” who orchestrated dancing and games. At one point, he was trying to get the kiddos to name the other Sesame Street characters. Anabella, who was front and center, would scream out some random noun for every picture. Then, he shows a photo of Kermit the Frog…
Handler: Who is this?
Anabella: (points) YOUR BABY!
All the parents burst out laughing.
Handler: MY baby? Hmmm….I need to get my money back.
Friend standing next to me: Poor guy, he just got slammed by a 2 year old!

P.S. Omar, I have accepted your challenge and am now eating my third piece of cake. Not sure I can beat your 17, but I am willing to try!

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday — Friday Edition

Being pregnant, I am always looking for a snack. After touring the Butterfly Museum on Wednesday, we came across a vending machine. Of course, I made a beeline over to it…just to see if anything sounded good. Well, let’s just say I was less than impressed with the selection.

Can I offer you some “Salt n Vinegar” flavored CRICKETS? How about Bacon & Cheese flavor? Sour Cream & Onion?

If none of those sound good, there is always the popular BBQ LARVETS. (EEEK)

Please tell me 1.) WTF is a larvet? and 2.) Who the f*ck eats larvets????

Ms. Thing Turns 2

That’s right…my little baby turned two today. Just look at how she has changed!

We are having her party this weekend (Elmo is coming over to entertain 10 little ones…should be interesting!), but we all took the day off and spent it together.

The highlight of the day was a visit to the Butterfly Museum. My poor husband spent the entire time chasing our daughter around as she chased butterflies around, while I got to use the pregnancy card and leisurely strolled around taking photos. Enjoy.

Isn’t that the cutest little bird? And he had himself a big wiggly worm for lunch. This is just the “tail end” of the meal.


Okay, I know this is an awful photo, but it was taken with my cell phone and it had to look like I was taking a photo of my daughter, so you are just going to have to use your imagination.

The conversation with my husband went something like this…

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Taking a photo of Anabella (wink).

Him: Okay.

After the other patron in question left…

Him: Okay, now what were you really taking a photo of?

Me: That guy’s tattoo…I’ve never seen anything like it.

Him: It was just a naked girl or something.

Me: Um, no. It was a naked man, riding a rocket, and waving his hand in the air like a cowboy.

Him: Do you think he was gay?

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably) YES, I am pretty sure he was gay!

Him: Well I guess that was some pretty good advertising then.

Friday Fun

I found these mints in a cute little shop in Ann Arbor. Why do I never think of these things? This guy is probably making millions!

If you are still feeling patriotic after the July 4th holiday (and a little hungry for cheap snacks), Target is having a sale. I would like to insert a big argument about how Little Debbie has nothing to do with the “Spirit of America,” but then I would probably look really foolish.

She has as much American spirit as McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Jack in the Crack, Hershey’s, Coca Cola, etc. etc.