More Birthday Erotica

Because my friend KB graciously offered to babysit (not only were most of my friends out of town for Memorial Day, but all of my babysitters were too), the hubby and I were able to enjoy an adults-only meal for my birthday. We decided to check out Fogo de Chao, since neither of us had been.

If you aren’t familiar with Fogo de Chao, they give you a little card that is green on one side and red on the other. You flip it to green, and people come to your table non-stop to offer you different kinds of meat. You flip it to red when you are “taking a break” or have a plate full.
Of course, the hubby was in heaven. Literally. All that meat walking around, just waiting to be eaten. It was almost more than he could handle.

One particular gentleman had the most-coveted meat of the evening…beef tenderloin medallions wrapped in bacon. Toward the end of the meal, the hubby decided he only had room for tenderloin, so he would flip the card to green when the tenderloin man was within eye sight.

Tenderloin man: Would you like some tenderloin wrapped in bacon?

Husband: Of course. I’m only green for you.

Tenderloin man walks away.

Husband: Wow. That sounded pretty gay.

Me: I’m sure he knew you were talking about his meat. (laughing loudly)

Husband: That didn’t sound much better.

Me: I wasn’t trying to make it sound better.

Birthday Greetings

Below is the card my husband gave me for my birthday on Monday. Take a moment and see if you can figure out what my issue was…

Me: Love the card, but why is our daughter’s name on it?

Him: Because the presents are from her too.

Me: So you think it’s appropriate to sign a 2 year old’s name to a card about sex? You couldn’t pick up a card from her to “mommy” instead?

Him: Oh. I didn’t think of that.

Our World Has Gone Crazy Week — Part 3

Salmonella Everywhere!!

First green onions, then spinach, and now peanut butter. Nothing is safe to eat anymore. I mean, really, how exactly are feces getting into the peanut butter??!

And here is the crazy part…

My babysitter (the one who can eat a pound of salami in one sitting) has had bathroom “issues” for over three weeks. About two weeks ago, she tells me that her dog now has the same issues. Well of course, it turns out she has been eating bad peanut butter…almost FOUR jars of it…over the past four weeks. So, 1.) Who can eat four jars of peanut butter and not weigh 400 pounds? and 2.) How are she and the dog not dead? Either she has a killer immune system or they both just built up a tolerance from eating two peanut butter/bacteria-laced sandwiches a day. (Like how people in Mexico don’t get sick from the water?)

And yes, she feeds her dog sandwiches…do you really find that surprising?

P.S. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my fabulous husband, Dan, and to my best friend from high school, Halle. Both of whom turn 35 today! Welcome to the downhill slide guys. 🙂

What’s in a pill?

The setup: My husband had surgery on his hand last Friday and has been taking pain medicine periodically. This was our conversation last night.

Hubby: Good thing I didn’t need any pain meds today, there were only 3 left and I just took 2 so I can get some sleep.

Me: Only 3 left? There were 6 in the bottle this morning.

Hubby: Well there was only 3 in there.

Me: Are you sure? If you didn’t take any, where would they have gone?

Hubby: Yes, I am sure, Rhonda. (disgusted tone)

Me: Where was the bottle of pills?

Hubby: In the drawer with all the vitamins.

Me: Um, no. Your pills are up in the cabinet by the refrigerator. You just took 2 prenatal vitamins.

Hubby: They were in the same kind of bottle! What’s in those vitamins? (panic)

Me: First of all, all medicine from the pharmacy comes in those bottles. Second, they are just VITAMINS for heaven’s sake. They aren’t baby making pills. (laughing)

Cut to this morning…

Me: How’s your hand feeling?

Hubby: It’s okay.

Me: Well, if it starts to hurt again, you are welcome to take the last of my prenatal vitamins. (laughing)

Hubby: Very funny.

Me: I thought so.

My husband very rarely has moments like this, and in his defense, my prenatal vitamins DO look almost exactly like Vicodin. Too bad they don’t have the same effect…pregnancy would have been much more fun!