Monday Fun

The sky is falling at AIG again today, so I don’t have time to blog blog. However, here are a few things for your amusement.

Check out the Cakewrecks blog … it had me in tears last week. The “fan favorites” (in the sidebar) are the best. I especially loved Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockeys.

From the Rodeo Cookoff on Friday night (more on this later):

WTF? I don’t care if this is a rodeo, under no circumstances am I going into a door marked “heifer.” You can bite me, Mr. Porto-Sign-Maker.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

This is what everything in my office looked like after returning from my spa retreat. (At least two rolls of packing tape gave their lives for this prank.)

If it was Stephen, the person I post-it noted a few weeks ago, I would consider that office karma. But this work was perpetrated by other coworkers. Envious coworkers who wanted to spa. (Coworkers for whom I even brought back spa products!! WTF???)

So, now IT’S ON.

What should I do to retaliate? If you give me a usable idea, you will be rewarded.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving REVENGE.

Bored Rhonda strikes

This is what happens when I get bored and/or ancy. (Luckily for my corworkers it doesn’t happen too often). The best part of this prank, besides the hour of giggling while post-it-noting everything in sight, was the email I received the next day from the victim.

I will preface this by saying that 1.) like many corporations, our help desk is located in India. And just about everyone here would rather stab themselves in the eye than call the help desk, 2.) we still Lotus Notes as our email system, and 3.) if you’ve never called a corporate help desk, you will not find this at all funny and should move on to your next blog.

I love working with creative people ….

BEGIN CALL 2008-12-19 0747
S.PATEL: Thank you for calling AIG Technical Support. Can I get your Name and ID please?
CALLER: Stephen Bedford, U38PS08
S.PATEL: Thank you very much for that Mr. Culford. For verification purposes, what was the name of your mother’s first cat?
CALLER: Uh, hold on a minute. Let me look that up. Sunshine
S.PATEL: Thank you very much for that Mr… Steve. How can I help you
CALLER: My computer is covered in post-it notes
S.PATEL: I see. You want to post something to a drive?
CALLER: No. My computer, my keyboard, my mouse, everything is covered in post-it notes.
S.PATEL: I see. Please hold on for one moment
S.PATEL: I see. I need to transfer you to our Notes group. Please hold.
CALLER: No. Not the Notes group! Not Lotus Notes, post-it notes. My entire workstation is covered in post-it notes.
S.PATEL: I see. Have you tried to re-boot the system?
CALLER: It was off when this happened.
S.PATEL: I am understanding you correctly that something bad happened to your computer while you were away?
CALLER: Yes. I was out of the office for the afternoon picking up my child from school.
S.PATEL: We need to file a security report for this malicious activity. What is your location?
CALLER: AT-35. But I don’t think it is malicious.
S.PATEL: Are you able to use your computer?
CALLER: Well, no. Not without removing the post-its.
S.PATEL: So something has been installed onto your computer that must be removed prior to you being able to work, is that correct?
CALLER: Er, yes.
S.PATEL: Please hold while I speak with my director. This is quite serious Mr… Laford.
S.PATEL: Mr….I have been informed that nothing is wrong.
S.PATEL: A security patch was installed last night. You should have received a notification of this. Nothing is wrong.
CALLER: Uh, ok.
S.PATEL: Thank you for your call. Is there anything else I can help you with?
CALLER: No. I guess all is good. Thank you.
S.PATEL: Good bye.

That Girl Needs to Learn How to Cook!

So we had some real excitement at my office this past week. It started around 5 p.m. when the smell of burnt popcorn filled the air … really filled the air. Less than a minute later, the fire alarm goes off and the loud and unintelligible voice of security comes over the intercom and tells us to “go to the stairs … blah blah blah … evacuate.”

While we all pondered whether or not to actually leave, our department head comes by and says something about setting a bag of popcorn on fire. HA! No way! Now we are all very amused and not the least bit worried about dying in a high-rise blaze. (Granted it’s time to go home, but the elevators have been shut down and we are on the 35th floor.)

Apparently someone did call security to let them know what happened, but that didn’t stop them from sending 17 (SEVENTEEN!) emergency vehicles to our building. (Although, you can only see 11 in this photo … sorry for the sucky quality, but that’s the best my iPhone could do from the window, at sundown.)

This is the person responsible (our boss), hiding in her office in shame.

5:35 pm – The firemen arrive on our floor. So thank goodness it wasn’t a real fire, or we all would have been toast. I counted seven of them, but there may have been more. I was trying to be inconspicuous with the photo taking.

And here is the culprit. I wonder how much this bag of popcorn really cost in the end?

The biggest lesson learned was … I am way too lazy to walk down 35 flights of stairs. And that popcorn only takes about 2 minutes to cook in our office.

P.S. The title comes from a coworker who called up to make sure we were all okay.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving popcorn … well done.

Taking a Chill Pill

Sorry I haven’t been around much, but I have been taking it easy. I don’t think I have ever shared here that I have Crohn’s disease (mainly because it has been in remission and quite frankly, it’s a bit of a downer), but I do … and it’s back with a vengeance.

So, I’ve been relaxing as much as possible, which means everything else has been sidelined over the past week. But the good news is I am feeling better every day and apparently potato soup is a miracle cure for intestinal disorders. Just so you know.

I have also been taken off of “hate mail” duty at work and that helped my angry gut almost immediately. But here is what I learned from answering nasty emails for almost two weeks.
  1. Excessive use of exclamation points (e.g. I am so angry!!!!!!) or question marks (e.g. What is wrong with you people??????????) means you are very, VERY pissed.
  2. Some people don’t understand how to use rhetorical questions properly. (e.g. Don’t you think I would like a spa vacation??? I demand an answer!)
  3. Making threats is okay, just make sure suspicion won’t fall on you by using a clause like “Not that I would do that,” “I don’t think it’s right, but…” or “I’m not saying I want this to happen, but…”
  4. If a person closes a letter by saying “I’m not crazy, I just want to know,” they are crazy.

Mr. Lipstick can bite me

My main task at work over the past week has been responding to angry emails. Sometimes it’s nice, because I can change a person’s perspective and make them feel better about AIG, other times I get really nasty responses that make me feel like total crap.

The last email I read before leaving yesterday afternoon (to go buy a million dollar battery for the Range Rover) said something like “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. Your response is the lipstick, and your company is the pig!” Nice. And of course I can’t respond back with what I REALLY want to say, so I internalize all that crap and go on with my day.

When I got to the RR repair shop, I sat down and noticed this across the room.

How cute is that? I don’t know why, but seeing this table full of homemade goodies totally changed my mood. Binoculars made from toilet paper tubes…only 50 cents! How about a paper purse for two bucks? Need to brush up on your math? Take a quiz!

The owner’s daughter is 8 years old, and apparently she restocks her little “shop” quite often. And she’s made over $80 so far. How is that for being a little entrepreneur? So I bought a drawing of a butterfly and decided that Mr. Lipstick just needs a different perspective on things.

If I hear that word one more time…

HR Chick: Can we jazz it up some? Maybe make it a little more salesy, you know, add some sizzle…some jazziness. If we could make this introduction a little more jazzy, I think it would be great. Just jazz up the company stuff and add a really cool, jazzy section about what a career in that department can do for them. The whole thing just needs to have more JAZZ.

Me: (Jabbing pencil in my eye)

I’m not sure, but…

…I think my company may know something we don’t know.

These hand sanitizers magically appeared at every entry way recently. And I just noticed that my badge has an Avian Flu/Pandemic hotline on the back.


I am so f*cking OVER you…


I don’t know what the deal is, but this is the second pair of shoes that has crapped out on me at work. (I’ve only been working for 31 days!)

Last time, the heel came off, and the strap was attached in between the heel and the sole, so I was walking around barefoot until lunchtime. Today, I am just making a very loud “THAP THAP THAP” noise as I walk the halls…unless I carefully slide my foot without lifting it up. (But then people might think I am making fun of the handicapped, so I should probably stop that.)

I attempted to glue my shoe back together, but all I managed to do was glue the bottom of my pants to the top half of my shoe. TGIF.

T.T.A.C.A.G.B.T.W. Week – Conclusion

Things That Are Cool About Going Back To Work Week – Conclusion

The best thing, so far, about going back to work…the mental challenge? No. Meeting new people? Nah.

It’s having my husband tell me how good I look every morning when I leave. My favorite comment was “Everyone is going to want to DO you!”

Slightly crass, but 1.) I don’t mind crass, and 2.) it makes me feel like I might be on my way to MILF status.