“What the F*ck?” Wednesday — Friday Edition

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Being pregnant, I am always looking for a snack. After touring the Butterfly Museum on Wednesday, we came across a vending machine. Of course, I made a beeline over to it…just to see if anything sounded good. Well, let’s just say I was less than impressed with the selection.

Can I offer you some “Salt n Vinegar” flavored CRICKETS? How about Bacon & Cheese flavor? Sour Cream & Onion?

If none of those sound good, there is always the popular BBQ LARVETS. (EEEK)


Please tell me 1.) WTF is a larvet? and 2.) Who the f*ck eats larvets????

Ms. Thing Turns 2

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That’s right…my little baby turned two today. Just look at how she has changed!

We are having her party this weekend (Elmo is coming over to entertain 10 little ones…should be interesting!), but we all took the day off and spent it together.

The highlight of the day was a visit to the Butterfly Museum. My poor husband spent the entire time chasing our daughter around as she chased butterflies around, while I got to use the pregnancy card and leisurely strolled around taking photos. Enjoy.



Isn’t that the cutest little bird? And he had himself a big wiggly worm for lunch. This is just the “tail end” of the meal.

Rocketman

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Okay, I know this is an awful photo, but it was taken with my cell phone and it had to look like I was taking a photo of my daughter, so you are just going to have to use your imagination.

The conversation with my husband went something like this…

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Taking a photo of Anabella (wink).

Him: Okay.

After the other patron in question left…

Him: Okay, now what were you really taking a photo of?

Me: That guy’s tattoo…I’ve never seen anything like it.

Him: It was just a naked girl or something.

Me: Um, no. It was a naked man, riding a rocket, and waving his hand in the air like a cowboy.

Him: Do you think he was gay?

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably) YES, I am pretty sure he was gay!

Him: Well I guess that was some pretty good advertising then.

Friday Fun

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I found these mints in a cute little shop in Ann Arbor. Why do I never think of these things? This guy is probably making millions!

If you are still feeling patriotic after the July 4th holiday (and a little hungry for cheap snacks), Target is having a sale. I would like to insert a big argument about how Little Debbie has nothing to do with the “Spirit of America,” but then I would probably look really foolish.

She has as much American spirit as McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Jack in the Crack, Hershey’s, Coca Cola, etc. etc.

Oh Glorious Day!

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It’s been raining non-stop here in Houston, but today the sun shined down upon me and said…”They announced on CNN there will be a Sex in the City Movie!” Hooray! I can’t tell you how excited this makes me.

And it totally makes up for Nancy Grace being allowed to pro-create.

Back in the Saddle

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Gee, I am such a slacker. Hard to believe it’s been so long since I posted. But if it makes it any better, I promise I wasn’t doing anything fun.

We got home from Michigan late last Wednesday night, and about 10 miles from home my car broke down. So after dealing with car stuff on Thursday, I had to get ready for a little party I was throwing on Saturday. Now, I am in full gear trying to put together a birthday party for my daughter. So much for my life of luxury.

There is lots to talk about…Paris is out of jail, Nancy Grace is pregnant, Ann Coulter is the devil…but I thought I would entertain you with a little silliness from the Michigan trip first.

Did you know you can buy “bling” out of a candy vending machine these days? For only 25 cents too. Can I interest you in a cute little anchor or perhaps a giant eagle, ladies?

Do you like bacon? Then check out Tony’s Restaurant. It’s a “greasy spoon” on a highway in Birch Run, Michigan, and they love to load you up on bacon. This lady looked like she wanted to die from embarrassment when her club sandwich came out. (I’m sure it didn’t help that I asked to take a photo of her and the monster sandwich.) And look at the other lady’s plate…I think there is an egg under that bacon somewhere.

I like to call this picture “Baby Got Back.” We ran out of swimmer diapers one day, and let my daughter play in a real diaper. As you can see, she came out of the pool with quite a load. That diaper weighed at least 10 pounds.

This is more bothersome than silly. Please explain to me how this fly got in there in the first place? Isn’t that supposed to be some sort of air tight seal between the panes of glass???

And here is where I spent 3 solid days in Michigan. My little piece of heaven.

Not on a hiatus!

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Just doing a lot of traveling before I hit the seven-month mark. My hubby took me to Las Vegas for 5 days at The Venetian to indulge in shopping, spa-ing, eating, and gambling. (He even hired his niece to come along and baby-sit as needed!) Surprisingly, you CAN have fun in Vegas without drinking…and we even won over $1,000 at blackjack. WOOHOO! Momma is getting a new flat screen for the bedroom, baby.

We have been home for 2 days and are leaving again for Michigan tomorrow. (Not as much fun…if any fun at all…just a trip to see the in-laws and to attend a graduation party for his niece and nephew. The one highlight will be the cooler weather. My fat ass almost died in Vegas just walking out to catch a cab.)

But, I have a lot to talk about, so I will try my best to blog from Michigan. However, my MIL is a little bitchy about people using her computer after her grandson crashed her last one looking at Internet porn, so I can’t make any promises. 😉

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday — Bush and Balls

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What the f*ck is going on with the love affair between President Bush and Albania?? According to The Associated Press, Albania issued three postage stamps with Bush’s picture and the Statue of Liberty, renamed a street in front of parliament in his honor, awarded him the highest National Flag medal, and the Fushe Kruje town council declared him an honored citizen.

This is almost as bothersome as the love fest between Bush and Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Come on, Albania. Don’t you watch the news?

Second, what is going on with the following? I took both of these pictures within the last week. I am only glad my daughter is too young to ask, “Mommy, what is that hanging on the back of that truck?”

Really now, guys. Isn’t it enough that you are constantly scratching and fondling these things all day long? Would you find it attractive if we hung a plastic vagina from our rear-view mirrors?

I didn’t think so.

Defensive Driving, the White Sox, and a MEME

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It’s been a pretty uneventful few days here at the B.S. Cafe. I was taking defensive driving online, which was a real barrel of monkeys. It was actually much better than going to one of those classes, and I learned a few things, so I guess I shouldn’t complain. Did you know that…

  • You can turn left on a red light onto a one-way street.

  • Alcohol is absorbed into your blood streamed faster when combined with a carbonated beverage.

  • It would take a train going 60 MPH a mile to stop.

I also spent the weekend watching the Astros play the White Sox and I didn’t get to see Scott Podsednik even once…apparently he’s injured, but he could have at last walked across the field in a towel or something! You know, just for the fans. (If you don’t know about my crush on him, go here.)

So after all that non-excitement, I finally got around to seeing what my bloggy friends have been up to and I found out I was tagged for a MEME over at crap-o-rama (Don’t you just love that name?) So here it goes…

Five Reasons Why I Blog

1. It’s fun…and it keeps the creative side of my brain happy.
2. I like being part of the blogging community and “meeting” new people.
3. It’s the diary I always wanted to keep…and it helps me relive my crazy checkered past. (which is fun when life turns predictable.)
4. I started blogging when I was having a small identity crisis (meaning I didn’t have one….I was a mommy and a wife, but not just ME) and it really helped me through it. Blogging saved me from buying a sports car, cutting off all my hair, or getting a cabana boy.
5. I love being able to say “that’s going in my blog!”

I am only tagging others if they want to be tagged, so consider this a suggestion… No Cool Story, Elastic, Compulsive Writer, yerdoingitwrong, and Toni.

Three Days to Turn Your Heiress Crazy

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As I am sure you all know, Paris Hilton has apparently lost her mind after only 3 days in jail. I spent a night in jail in my early 20’s, and while it definitely was not a trip to the spa, it wasn’t so awful that I needed medication. In fact, it made me tougher version of myself (but then again, the girlfriend I got thrown in the pokey with was a total mess, so someone had to keep their cool). We even ate breakfast with the general population and had a little showdown with a crack ho.

So, it really makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with Paris Hilton. She’s alone in a cell, so it’s not the other inmates picking on her or whatever. She can have reading material…and sure, being disconnected from the electronic world might be a little tough, but I think I could survive. (And quite frankly, being alone in a room for a few days with nothing but some books sounds a little like a vacation to me right now.) She must really be completely incapable of taking care of herself or handling tough situations without an entourage.

I think it would take me at least a week or two before I got weepy…not crazy, but just sad. (By that time I would be caught up on my sleep and really missing my family.)…so maybe it would be a month or so before I needed the meds.

How about you guys? How long would it take you to have a mental break in jail?

P.S. I went to see Patton Oswald and Jeanane Garofalo last night, and Patton commented that Paris couldn’t handle being left alone with her own thoughts. Ha! (He even suggested they use that as a the brand of torture at Guantanamo Bay….leave the prisoners alone in a room with Paris’ thoughts for days on end.)