My Second Resolution of 2007 – To be More Naughty

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Being a mommy doesn’t leave a lot of time for naughtiness, but recently I decided to partake in some naughty behavior and quite frankly, I loved it.

Naughty Rhonda heads to the voting booth: Last November, the husband of a woman in the MOMS Club was running for a Texas State Representative position. This woman sent email after email, telling us all to vote for her husband. As if that wasn’t annoying enough, one day her 3-year-old pushed my 1-1/2 year old daughter to the ground, where she hit her head on the concrete floor. Usually, I would just chalk this up to kid stuff, but the woman didn’t even apologize. I was livid. So, I decided not to vote for her hubby, even though his opponent was DEAD. That’s right, I voted for a dead woman. And I laughed all the way out of the polling facility.

Naughty Rhonda attends a Christmas party: My friend Halle had a White Elephant party in December (if you don’t know what that is, go here). It was mostly ladies from her neighborhood, but she also included some of her closest friends. (Meaning I only knew about 5 people out of the 30.) So my friend Tracie and I took a prime spot on the couch, and with wine in hand, decided it would be fun to antagonize some of the other party goers. Not in a mean way of course, we simple encouraged more of the craziness that was already happening…picture a house full of women scheming and bickering over $25 gifts. We had women battling over a bottle of Grey Goose, a clock, and a spa gift certificate. It was a total hoot…and I went home with the much-coveted clock. HA! Here’s a picture of the chaos….

This is Wendy after Jen “stole” a lovely basket of goodies from her. I was laughing almost as hard as Jen was.

Naughty Rhonda goes to a football game: Whenever my husband sees a “family” bathroom he always teases me about sneaking in and making out. This has been going on for years, but at the last Houston Texans game of the year, I called his bluff. We waited around outside the door until all the families (with real reasons to be in the family bathroom) had their turn and then in we went. Who knew the family bathroom could be so much fun?

Therefore, I resolve to continue with this trend of occasional naughtiness in 2007…it makes me laugh and it keeps me feeling young.

Have you done anything naughty recently?

“What the F*ck” Wednesday? — Random Photos and a Big “Screw You!” to MORE Magazine!

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I have been accumulating “WTFW” photos for a few weeks now…can’t wait to hear what you think.


KRAUT juice? I can not think of one reason why I would need this. Ever.

A fish for a mailbox?


“Antique” ham cufflinks? They will set you back $200. (They were in a fabulous store in NYC recommended by Girl con Queso…and the sales guy was very helpful with taking this photo.)

I would also like to send out a BIG WTF to More Magazine. I was recently opening junk mail and came across a very colorful envelope that said “Act your Age!” Of course that got my attention, so instead of immediately chunking it, I read on…

“Welcome to the one magazine for women over 40 who love to act their age.”

WHA???? I’M NOT OVER 40! What’s wrong with you, More Magazine???? I am 36 thank you very much and I am already having a quasi mid-life crisis, so I really don’t need you telling me to act over 40 when I am still in my 30’s. Jerks.

(Note to anyone 40+….this is not a slam against the 40’s. I am sure that decade totally rocks. I’m just not there yet.)

Bath time trauma

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Not that long ago, my babysitter (the salami eater) asked me how many times my daughter had pooped in the tub. “Never!” I said with much disgust. “Well, it happens all the time,” she informed me. (She does this a lot…tells me all the things that my kid is going to do, even though she doesn’t have any.) My daughter had just passed her one-year birthday, so I just rolled my eyes, and went about my business.

Now I am not saying for sure that she put a Poop Curse on me, but let’s just say we have had several incidents of pooping in the bathtub since that night. And tonight was by far, the top pooping story of my short-lived career as a mommy.

I undressed my daughter, put her in the tub, and turned on the water. Not 30 seconds later, she poops. Ok, no big deal. It is contained to a very small area, so I grab her out, and put her on the mat next to me.

As I am feverishly saving toys from floating into the disaster area, she squats, and poops on the bath mat. WHA?? CRAP! So, I grab her, wipe her little butt with a baby wipe, and then head over to snatch up the mat before she gets any crazy baby ideas.

I of course do not notice that she is heading in a completely opposite direction….into my closet. Before I can even get there, she has squatted yet again, and pooped on the carpet in my closet. And then she takes about three steps, and poops again.

Surprisingly, I did not cry. I didn’t laugh, but I didn’t have a meltdown. I calmly called my hubby into the bathroom to pick up poop piles while I hosed my little angel off in the shower.

So, there are two morals to this story: 1.) parenting know-it-alls are secretly working voodoo on the rest of us, and 2.) Do not ever assume that the pooping is done. There is ALWAYS more poop.

Just doing what I am told

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Today my horoscope read: “Be more present. Appreciate your body. It’s the perfect time to reflect on recent events, engage in flirtation and eat delicious, healthy meals. You’re a sensuous creature, so do something that helps you appreciate life.”

The 3rd sentence was most captivating, because it seemed a little hodgepodge, but let’s tackle it anyway.

1. Reflect on recent events – Here’s an interesting article from the news today. Apparently, Tigger (Winnie’s sidekick) has some anger management problems.
http://www.wftv.com/news/10686229/detail.html# Who would have thought that being a cartoon character could be so stressful that you would resort to beating up 14-year-old boys.

2. Engage in flirtation – Have you been working out? Maybe it’s the jeans, but your ass looks great. And your hair looks nice today too. Did you get it cut? It really frames your fabulous eyes. (Your compliment to me goes here) Awww….you’re so sweet. What a nice thing to say. You know, if I wasn’t married…

3. Eat healthy, delicious meals – KB and I had Mexican food for lunch today and it was delish! My shrimp enchiladas were to die for. Dinner was a little meal (since I pigged out at lunch) consisting of 1/2 turkey sandwich. As you can see, it’s either healthy or it’s delish…not usually both.

Well, I can’t say that I feel more sensuous, but it was a fun exercise anyway. I am still working on the remainder of my New Year’s resolutions…did y’all make any??

My First Resolution of 2007 — To be more helpful

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In the spirit of my decision to be more helpful in 2007, I think we should assist the fools who write spam email titles. I know, I know. They suck…we hate them…they clog our email boxes up with crap. But clearly they didn’t graduate from junior high…they can’t put together a coherent FRAGMENT, much less a sentence…and it’s probably the only job they can get. Spam might be less annoying if it’s grammatically correct, spell checked, and somewhat entertaining.

Ok, probably not. But here are just a few examples of stupid emails titles I have received this week. These people need help.

– pacesetter homicidal
– historical legal ethical political
– Be sure to read the related article, Stupid yoga tricks: let’s all copyright ancient yoga postures.
– cwmino
– swinging
– Some TV shows also have a free space for that.
– Amusing perhaps, but not very efficient if you are after some specific color changing water pipe information.
– DABB DBBB DCBB
– Mac check this.
– Greetings Sergio
– I don’t, and I have very little desire to even try (This is the only one I even took a peek at…they almost had me!)

So, here are a few ideas I came up with…I am pretty sure I would at least look at an email with one of these titles:

– The affair your spouse is having
– Great Aunt Bee has passed…you are in her will
– Sorry about your cat
– I can introduce you to George Clooney
– Top Secret…you can’t tell anyone!
– Update on that STD
– I have magic pills that will make your penis larger (LOL…kidding!)

Ok, your turn. What title would make you open an email?

Tchotchke Parade – Part 2

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More crap for your enjoyment!

This first one is my favorite. It’s not often that you see a duck, a cherub, a sailor, the Virgin Mary, and Uncle Sam hanging out together.

And finally…

this is where their house died from embarrassment!

I spent an hour driving around on a golfcart to take all these photos. Not one person stuck their head out to ask why I was photographing their front yard. Go figure.

So, I hope you found the parade of Tchotchkes as entertaining as I did. I will be back to normal blogging tomorrow. I might even make a few New Year’s resolutions. No better way to start off the new year than with high expectations and immediate failure.

Happy New Year!

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As promised, my first post of 2007 is a fabulous Tchotchke Parade (Part 1)…straight from Ft. Myers, Florida. (It’s like the Island of Misfit Toys, but with ugly lawn decor.)

Enjoy!

Part 2 coming tomorrow. I hope the anticipation doesn’t kill you.

Gifts and Grievances (like Turkey and trauma but with presents!)

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Christmas is over. Whew. We just returned from 8 days in Florida. That might sound fabulous (and in reality, it wasn’t all bad), but we stayed at my in-laws house…a two bedroom home that is not baby-proofed in any form or fashion. So, I spent 8 days sleeping on a FUTON in the “lanai” (which by the way, has no curtains on the windows) and chasing my daughter around making sure she wasn’t eating dishwashing soap or sticking her fingers in sockets. (And their internet connection is DIAL-UP! EEK!)

Otherwise, it was a nice time. My favorite sister-in-law was there, so we drank lots of wine and read plenty of trashy magazines. I wasn’t forced to make my own gifts this year. And we ate really decadent meals all week long (I was actually SICK of food and sweets by the time I got home), so I guess all in all it was a pretty good holiday.

Oh, I almost forgot the best part (in regards to blogging!)…my in-laws live in a retirement community and all I can say is that it is a site to behold. So stay tuned for my YARD TCHOTCHKE PARADE…coming in the next day or two. Them old people love cheesy lawn decor.

Happy New Year!

Merry (belated) Christmas, Blog Friends

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A few holiday gifts for some of my favorite blog friends…

Compulsive Writer: A place for your pen! (Although, this would look awesome next to my donkey.)

No Cool Story: From the movie A Christmas Story…I thought it would look good in your yellow living room.

Elastic: I think your kiddos would get a kick out of this…and it’s very Texas-y. I’ll buy you two since they’re on sale.

And finally, the best gift ever for Omar….