“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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It’s been a good week for WTF photos. I could probably publish a whole book on just WTF signs … and why do they always seem to be in bathrooms?

This sign comes from a fancy sushi restaurant:


So the question is — did someone really go to the most expensive sushi restaurant in town, head to the ladies room and decide to do pull-ups or something equally as stupid from this bar, and then break it/pull it out of the wall/crack their head open/or something equally as stupid? Because I don’t think you put up a sign like that “just in case.”


As I was shopping for Easter basket stuff this past weekend, I came across these. I know, it’s probably quite telling that my mind went straight to the gutter, but do these look really PHALLIC to anyone else?


It took me a full minute to put the whole ear of corn thing together. (Because I was totally mesmerized and didn’t bother to even read it. HA)

And finally, a WTF find from Sam’s Club. I haven’t bought any Boone’s Farm in over 20 years, but I am fairly certain it costs at least $3.00 a bottle. WTF kind of nasty wine only costs $2.91?

This entire week has been filled with WTF moments, but some of the most entertaining have been from the rodeo (I’m volunteering this year), so expect a recap next week. Rodeo WTF is a whole new ballgame, folks!

P.S. Totally forgot to congratulate my friend Kim on her BIG WIN at my 9th annual Oscar bash. She won the Golden Biatch by a landslide. The Biatch had some major “work” done this year, so she is looking hotter than ever, especially in her new dress holding her very own little Oscar statue. (And she’s completely recovered from her near death experience thanks to a certain Deucebag!) I’m sure Kim will put her in a place of honor for the next 12 months.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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I recently reconnected with a friend from high school on Facebook, who had the interesting idea of telling people two things he remembered about them.

One of the things he recalled about me was my extreme resistance to putting stickers on my car. Apparently, I had my senior parking sticker on an acrylic picture frame that I would stand up in the window. (I have completely blocked out this memory, but it does sound like something I would do.) So obviously the OCD/car obsession thing started early, but it also explains why I find most bumper stickers really annoying. (But I still love you if you have them on your car!)

My biggest offenders are the “honor roll” kids, Calvin & Hobbs urinating on company logos and these — the “look at my cute family” stickers that keep getting weirder and weirder.

For example, WTF is this?
A pirate family? Why doesn’t daddy have a hat too? Where’s the parrot? Doesn’t this creep your kids out just a little bit?

“What’s that mommy?”

“That’s what you look like when you die.”

But this one is even better. I know I am confused, so I can only imagine how the kids must be feeling. Let’s see — there’s a daddy, a mommy … another daddy … four kids and two dogs.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am NOT signing up for the two spouse program.
P.S. Wondering what “WTF? Cat” Deucebag has been up to? Well, he has decided that it is too hard to just hang his head in the bowl to eat (while laying down), so now he knocks the bowl over and leisurely eats off the counter top.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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(Note: This would have been posted on Wednesday if I had pushed “publish” instead of “save” – argh.)


WTF is up with my cat? Deuce (or Deucebag, as Scarlett calls him) isn’t even a year old, and he has already become a complete lazy ass. I took two photos so you would believe me when I tell you that this cat can’t be bothered to stand or even sit up to eat. He just lays on the counter and throws his head into the bowl.

Granted, this harsh judgement is coming from the woman who eats while watching The Biggest Loser, but still. I’m almost 40. Deucebag is in the prime of his life. By the time he’s 10, we will have to get the fire department to cut down a wall, so he can visit the vet.

Cross that one off the bucket list

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Did you miss me? I can’t believe it has been a month since I posted. What a loser! Life kind of jumped in and kicked my butt these last few weeks, but that won’t happen again. Here’s a quick recap:

  • Promotion at work (celebrated for two days)
  • Third annual trip to Lake Austin Spa with my BFF from high school (also bought ridiculously expensive purse at Gucci outlet to celebrate promotion – traumatized self for a week)
  • Rock Band slumber party with closest friends. Partied til 4 a.m.
  • Fell deathly ill with a flu/strep throat/sinusitis combo the next day (SuperBowl Sunday – missed the party!) and had to stay quarantined in my bedroom for NINE LONG DAYS (so the hubby and kiddos wouldn’t get sick)
  • Tried to play catch up at work and home for three days
  • Went to the Mom 2.0 Summit last Friday and Saturday – had a blast!

So the Mom 2.0 Summit was incredibly inspiring and thought-provoking and just plain fun. Meeting women who are so talented and successful and doing things on their own terms (and putting faces with blogs that I have been reading for years — even Dooce was there!) reminded me why I started this blog in the first place (almost five years ago!).

And one of the major highlights was — riding in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile! I rode “shotbun” around downtown Houston, waving at people and acting like a rock star. If you ever get the opportunity, I suggest you take it. Nothing puts a smile on your face like riding in a wiener.

I convinced Amanda (PR maven and new partner in crime) to go along for the ride!

“WTF?” Wednesday

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I don’t know WTF is going on in my life, but everywhere I turn lately, someone is speaking to me in a condescending tone. Clearly this is a peek into my future — and probably what senior citizens feel like when they are being treated like children — and I am not enjoying it.

For example, Bar 1400 has these signs hanging in every bathroom stall. The bathroom manager was either a kindergarten teacher or a technical writer in his/her previous career. Just an FYI – anyone who is old enough to be in a bar probably knows how to use a effing toilet seat cover. I don’t need tone in the toilet. Especially not when I am buzzed — it pisses me off. No pun intended.


Even my four year old has tone recently. Last week I came home from work and she was standing at the door waiting for me:

Anabella: HI MOMMY!

Me: Hey baby. I missed you! How was your day?

Anabella: You forgot to pack my ballerina clothes.

Me: Oh no. I am so sorry, Anabella. I promise to remember next time.

Anabella: That’s okay, mommy. Accidents happen. (pauses) But you need to focus. (turns and leaves)

I just stood there completely dumbfounded. Then, in my head, the tirade began …“WHAT? I need to focus? Ummm, okay, kid. Clearly you have no idea who does everything in your life. This happy little family train you ride on would have derailed a long time ago if it wasn’t for me.”

Dan smiled and said something about how cute she was. I flipped him off and went straight to the bathtub.

The very next day, I call Ticketmaster to buy tickets for the Black Eyed Peas. (I’m on a rodeo committee this year, so we had the chance to buy before they went on sale to the public.) It quickly became clear that finding four seats wasn’t going to happen …

Ticketmaster douche: The Black Eyed Peas are a very popular group, ma’am.

Me: Yes, I know. Which is why I was hoping to get tickets …

Ticketmaster douche: (clearly not listening to me) … they are a hip-hop, R&B group. They have a lot of hit songs. They are very popular.

Me: I KNOW who they are. Why do you think I am calling for tickets?

Ticketmaster douche: Oh. Well then you shouldn’t be surprised that they are sold out.

Me: These tickets aren’t on sale to the public yet, so why wouldn’t I think there might be some left?

silence…

Me: Good thing I am taking that survey at the end of this call.

Happy 2010!

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Ahhh, it’s over. Fun, but exhausting sums up our holiday experience.

Christmas 2009 — in numbers:

1 – Days I’ve been at work since 12/18 (two half-days)
2 – Movies seen (Avatar and Up in the Air — both good!)
3 – Presents I bought for myself
4 – Number of days I had to shop for all of my gifts
5 – Play dates Anabella had last week (good thing we like the same people)
6 – Bags of trash at curb on 12/26 (sorry, environment!)

20+ – Times Anabella took something away from Scarlett the two weeks I was at home
1 – Times Scarlett bit Anabella on the BUTT for doing it (on Christmas day no less)


P.S. Did you notice the new blog banner? I think it’s funny, but one of my coworkers (and the guy who drew the coffee mug) says it’s disgusting. Thoughts?

“What the f*ck?” — Christmas gift edition

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I have spent the last three days in malls and stores across Houston (because I hadn’t done jack crap to prepare for Christmas until last Saturday and this is how I like to punish myself) and have seen some redonkulous stuff passing itself off as Christmas gifts. Here are just a few of those “WTF is this?” gifts:

This thing was huge. Look how tiny the disposable cameras are in comparison. If you need a remote this big, well, can you really even see the TV anymore?


No. This is just wrong. Period.

I know some people are really hard to buy for, but give me a break. Get a gift card.


Gross. Would anyone ever touch the “butt” side now that it is clearly labeled?

I can really only think of one person that this is appropriate for — and Jesus isn’t into bling.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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For the past few months something weird has been going on with the electricity in the front of our house. The breaker would flip off, we would flip it back on, it would stay put for a few minutes, and then it would flip off again — sometimes with a spark coming from one of the electrical sockets. Dan and I know nothing about electricity, so we started living without a front porch light, stairway light and any electricity at all on one side of my office. (And yes, the spark should have prompted us to call someone immediately, but we aren’t scared!)

Finally, a friend (who also happens to be an electrician) came by to check it out. Thankfully (because I don’t enjoy looking totally stupid), he was also stumped and started to do some investigating. He figured out that the problem was starting with the small night lights installed on the stairway.

He took off the cover and this is what he found …

Thanks right, folks. Someone was using the night light as a PIGGY BANK. WTF, Firestarter … I mean, Anabella? Sure, throw some coins into an electrical outlet. I’m sure that won’t be a problem.

The yellow arrows are pointing to the places where two of the coins had almost fused together from the sparks/fire/whatever was going on each time we tried to turn the breaker back on.

Between the poop and the cussing and now the electricity stunt, Anabella is going to make me old and gray long before my 40th birthday.


— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a big helping of Big Brother. I am watching you, Anabella!

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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I was almost rear-ended twice coming back from lunch on Monday. And I’m not talking about someone tailgating or coming to a stop too close. It was two tire-screeching, head-turning, near misses in less than five minutes … by the same car.

Of course that pissed me off to no end, so when the guy pulled beside me as I headed into the left-turn lane, I prepared my best evil eye. I just wish my iPhone had a telephoto lens, because then you could see that the man in this photo was so captivated by the thumbnails on the back of the PORNO he was holding, that he couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to me or the road.

Nothing wrong with a good video, but do we need to study it while driving on a crazy-busy road, during the middle of the day, with our window down so that everyone gets a good look, and nearly killing our fellow drivers in the process? He is truly lucky that I don’t own a Hummer any more because I was that close to just ramming into him.

WTF are these people doing?

Tailgating in the mall parking lot?


Watching an analog TV in their car?