Things I do not want for Christmas

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There are only a few shopping days left, so here are some things I do not want for Christmas.

Not that there is anything wrong with this…I would just totally suck at a game about gay culture.

Bacon air freshener. Yum. And look, they are on sale!

Soap in the shape of turds would probably cure my OCD when it comes to handwashing.

I also do not want anything I have to make myself. When I first started dating my husband, his mother decided to get me a lamp with a stained-glass shade. She took me to pick out the base and the colored glass…which was a lot of fun… but then she showed me how to cut and shape the pieces (what? why?). She thought I would enjoy doing it myself. UGH.

So I spent almost EIGHT hours in a garage in Florida, grinding glass and soldering the pieces together, while everyone else was at the pool or on the golf course. It was fabulous.

Christmas in New York City

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My friend KB and I just returned home from a fabulous girls’ weekend in New York City. I have some good stories to share, but no time tonight. (I must pack for my next trip…we are leaving tomorrow for 7 days in Florida with the in-laws.)

But, here are some photos from NYC to put you in the holiday spirit.

The tree in Rockefeller Plaza

The M&Ms guy in Times Square (not very Christmasy, but what are the holidays without chocolate, right?)

Christmas ornaments in a fountain

Radio City Music Hall

Big-ass Nutcrackers!

And a girl’s wet dream…a Cartier box the size of a car!

I am the Queen of Grammar

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Read it and weep. This makes me very happy…now I won’t feel so bad when I correct people. Because I am the Queen of Grammar. It’s my job.

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know “no” from “know.” Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

If it makes you feel better, I only got an 80% on the “do you deserve your high school diploma?” quiz. Whoops.

What’s in a pill?

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The setup: My husband had surgery on his hand last Friday and has been taking pain medicine periodically. This was our conversation last night.

Hubby: Good thing I didn’t need any pain meds today, there were only 3 left and I just took 2 so I can get some sleep.

Me: Only 3 left? There were 6 in the bottle this morning.

Hubby: Well there was only 3 in there.

Me: Are you sure? If you didn’t take any, where would they have gone?

Hubby: Yes, I am sure, Rhonda. (disgusted tone)

Me: Where was the bottle of pills?

Hubby: In the drawer with all the vitamins.

Me: Um, no. Your pills are up in the cabinet by the refrigerator. You just took 2 prenatal vitamins.

Hubby: They were in the same kind of bottle! What’s in those vitamins? (panic)

Me: First of all, all medicine from the pharmacy comes in those bottles. Second, they are just VITAMINS for heaven’s sake. They aren’t baby making pills. (laughing)

Cut to this morning…

Me: How’s your hand feeling?

Hubby: It’s okay.

Me: Well, if it starts to hurt again, you are welcome to take the last of my prenatal vitamins. (laughing)

Hubby: Very funny.

Me: I thought so.

My husband very rarely has moments like this, and in his defense, my prenatal vitamins DO look almost exactly like Vicodin. Too bad they don’t have the same effect…pregnancy would have been much more fun!

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

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Although Oprah has been on my nerves lately, not that long ago she had a show about doing things to make yourself proud. She suggested making a list every day, but since I don’t do too many earth-shattering things, there would be a lot of blank pages in that journal and it wouldn’t make me proud to waste paper.

But it is an honorable idea, so every once in a while I stop and make sure I am actually doing stuff to make me feel proud. Here’s my most recent list. Try not to be too overwhelmed by my goodness.

– I have “rescued” three dogs in the past month. They were just neighborhood dogs who escaped somehow, but I did pick them all up and keep them in my backyard until their owners came home. There was Pita (a cute little Dachshund), Tank (a Schnauzer with a very girly haircut) and Max (a German Shorthaired Pointer who JUMPS fences, even escaping from my backyard…clever dog).

– I headed up the MOMs Club fundraising committee this year (despite not really “digging” MOMs Club very much) and helped to gather donations and toys for kids in a foster home community. Here’s a picture of about half the stuff we gathered.

– I reported a litterbug. Cause you all know the deal…DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS! This guy had trash flying out of his truck bed all the way down the highway. But don’t worry, all they do is send him a letter and a trash bag. www.dontmesswithtexas.org

– I have been smiling brightly and looking every person I come across in the eye since December 1st. I am calling it Project Happy Holidays (Whether You Like it or Not) 2006. I’ll tell you all more about it later.

So what have you done to make you feel proud?

Start Spreading the News…

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I am leaving in 7 days. That’s right…look out New York City!

I haven’t been in 6 or 7 years, so I am looking for suggestions. My friend KB and I will only be there for a weekend, but we are staying at the Waldorf-Astoria (woohoo) and are game for just about anything. (But preferably things that have to do with food, shopping or culture.)

It’s not often that I am hubby AND child-free, so I want to pack this trip with lots of things that can’t be done with a small child in-tow (such as eating at a bar or using a public restroom).

Speaking of…check this out. http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-11-21-charmin_x.htm (I promise to go and take a photo of this!)

Please post any ideas you might have!

“What the F*ck” Wednesday? — How children of the 80’s got screwed

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Kids have a lot of cool things at their disposal these days…and it’s kind of annoying. (I’m not bitter, I swear.) I can’t imagine how different my high school experience would have been with a computer and the Internet. I learned to type on a typewriter. When I worked on the school newspaper, we had to cut and paste (meaning scissors and glue, kiddos!) copy onto layout boards. If you had to do research you went to the library for days on end looking through real books and encyclopedias. So, while I realize this totally dates me, and makes me feel a little old-ish, I felt the need to say something when I saw this today.

Yes, that’s right. This CHILD is learning to drive in a hot, little convertible.

Someone has lost their mind. I learned to drive in a Pontiac Bonneville…and driver’s ed was with like four other kids in the car…and not a cute car, it was some ugly four door thing. We were forced to sit there while everyone had a chance to drive. This kid is on his own, top down, just cruising in the slow lane (at 40 miles an hour, I would like to add).

What the f*ck?

Don’t Say as I Say

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Everything was perfect as I was driving my daughter to Mother’s Day Out this morning. The air was brisk, the sun was out, I had a hot coffee in hand (the new Starbuck’s has a drive-thru…hooray!), and my sweet little daughter was babbling and giggling in the back seat.

Then a man who was apparently scared of his accelerator pulls out in front of me, and insists on going very, very, VERY slooooooowwwwly. Several blocks go by, before I just totally lose it. I like to call this side of my personality Rhonda the Rage Rover.

Me: “DUDE, MOVE YOUR F*CKING CAR!!!!”

From the carseat: “DUUUUUDE!”

Of course I burst out laughing. It was like having a little Keanu Reeves back there. And while I love it when she adds a new word to her repertoire, clearly I have not come to terms with the fact that she is not only a sponge, but also a parrot. Shame on me and my potty mouth. Shame!

So it’s just a matter of time before she pulls out the f-bomb. With my luck, it will probably be at my in-laws house over Christmas.

A Story from My Checkered Past

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Long gone for me are the days of funny dating tales, but today I was reminded of a particularly funny story from my single days. I was at Target (of course) and my checkout person was named “Marcello”…a name I haven’t come across in a long time.

The last time I met a Marcello was in my early 20’s. He was a very cute Italian guy that hung out in a bar my dad was spending a lot of time in (dad was going through a very nasty mid-life thing). Marcello was funny and charismatic and sexy and my dad hated him, so he was perfect. We spent an entire evening at that dive bar talking, much to the chagrin of my father, and he finally asked me out on a date. I agreed to meet him out the next night and we had a wonderful evening…he was really easy to talk to and he was one of those guys who makes you feel like the center of the universe. So when he asked me out again, I was really excited. (My dad called twice to tell me what a tool Marcello was before our second date.)

He picked me up, we went out to dinner and a movie, and then we went back to my place. I went into the kitchen to make us a drink and Marcello hung his coat on a chair in the dining room. We sat down and started talking. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice my cat Eddie is playing with something on the floor. I didn’t give it a second thought until a total look of panic crossed Marcello’s face.

Eddie had pulled a very long strand of condoms out of Marcello’s jacket and into the living room, practically throwing them at my feet. I don’t know how many were there, but it was at least 15 or 20 condoms. How ridiculous is that?

Of course I almost died from laughter, and while Marcello was laughing, I could tell he was really worried about what my next reaction was going to be. I let him know that it wasn’t a big deal, but then after more awkward conversation, I sent him on his way. I mean, geesh, it’s one thing to hope you are getting “lucky,” and then there are preposterous expectations.

So that is how my cat Eddie saved me from Marcello. (But not the Marcello at Target. He still nailed me for $175. HA!)