I found these mints in a cute little shop in Ann Arbor. Why do I never think of these things? This guy is probably making millions!

If you are still feeling patriotic after the July 4th holiday (and a little hungry for cheap snacks), Target is having a sale. I would like to insert a big argument about how Little Debbie has nothing to do with the “Spirit of America,” but then I would probably look really foolish.

It’s been raining non-stop here in Houston, but today the sun shined down upon me and said…”They announced on CNN there will be a Sex in the City Movie!” Hooray! I can’t tell you how excited this makes me.

And it totally makes up for Nancy Grace being allowed to pro-create.

Just doing a lot of traveling before I hit the seven-month mark. My hubby took me to Las Vegas for 5 days at The Venetian to indulge in shopping, spa-ing, eating, and gambling. (He even hired his niece to come along and baby-sit as needed!) Surprisingly, you CAN have fun in Vegas without drinking…and we even won over $1,000 at blackjack. WOOHOO! Momma is getting a new flat screen for the bedroom, baby.

We have been home for 2 days and are leaving again for Michigan tomorrow. (Not as much fun…if any fun at all…just a trip to see the in-laws and to attend a graduation party for his niece and nephew. The one highlight will be the cooler weather. My fat ass almost died in Vegas just walking out to catch a cab.)

But, I have a lot to talk about, so I will try my best to blog from Michigan. However, my MIL is a little bitchy about people using her computer after her grandson crashed her last one looking at Internet porn, so I can’t make any promises. 😉

As I am sure you all know, Paris Hilton has apparently lost her mind after only 3 days in jail. I spent a night in jail in my early 20’s, and while it definitely was not a trip to the spa, it wasn’t so awful that I needed medication. In fact, it made me tougher version of myself (but then again, the girlfriend I got thrown in the pokey with was a total mess, so someone had to keep their cool). We even ate breakfast with the general population and had a little showdown with a crack ho.

So, it really makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with Paris Hilton. She’s alone in a cell, so it’s not the other inmates picking on her or whatever. She can have reading material…and sure, being disconnected from the electronic world might be a little tough, but I think I could survive. (And quite frankly, being alone in a room for a few days with nothing but some books sounds a little like a vacation to me right now.) She must really be completely incapable of taking care of herself or handling tough situations without an entourage.

I think it would take me at least a week or two before I got weepy…not crazy, but just sad. (By that time I would be caught up on my sleep and really missing my family.)…so maybe it would be a month or so before I needed the meds.

How about you guys? How long would it take you to have a mental break in jail?

P.S. I went to see Patton Oswald and Jeanane Garofalo last night, and Patton commented that Paris couldn’t handle being left alone with her own thoughts. Ha! (He even suggested they use that as a the brand of torture at Guantanamo Bay….leave the prisoners alone in a room with Paris’ thoughts for days on end.)

My birthday ended in a major whimper when Entertainment Tonight informed me last night that I share a birthday with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. WTF?! She is only one step behind Nancy Grace as far as I am concerned…actually, she might have passed her by and taken top position as the person I hate the most on TV. It isn’t her ultra conservative view points that bother me as much as her inflexibility and her non-stop, ass-kissing, love fest with George Bush. She defends everything he does and quite frankly, I find that more annoying than I find him these days.

Then, this morning I find out that I actually agree with something Donald Trump said. (Next, hell will be freezing over.) Here is his quote. “… As far as Elisabeth Hasselbeck, I’ve always said she’s probably the dumbest person on television, but when she called me … obnoxious, she was probably right.” You are right, Donald. She is dumb and you are definitely obnoxious.

More on my birthday later. The hubby actually gave me some good blog fodder over the weekend.

Happy Birthday weekend to me! It used to really stink always having a birthday on Memorial Day weekend, but now I just choose to believe that my birthday is a national holiday. Go me. So, since I am all knocked up, the plan is to get a major sugar high. I might even eat my entire cake. Which would amuse the hell out of my friend Kelly and give her a new story about me and pastry. (Her current favorite story is how I ate a whole pumpkin pie one Thanksgiving.)

So anyway, here’s a fun way for us all to celebrate. The first person who can tell me what four languages I have used to say “Happy Birthday” in the title of this post, will win a prize. Don’t ask me what the prize is…I just decided to do this…but it will probably be some birthday gift that I don’t dig very much. My trash is your treasure. 😉

I probably won’t post again until Tuesday (it’s not like anyone is reading blogs this weekend anyway), but before I sign off, I would like to say HAPPY, HAPPY birthday to No Cool Story, who happens to be my EXACT same age…37…ummm, I mean 29. And to my loved ones who also share a May 28th birthday…sweet little Lauren, my aunt Cynthia, and my sister-in-law Stephanie…Happy Birthday to you all!!

I can’t stand it when exercise equipment is sweaty from someone else….so just the thought of finding dirty underwear in, on, or near my exercise equipment is enough to keep me away from the gym f-o-r-e-v-e-r.

Check out the link below for a story about a family that opened up their punching bag to find it full of men’s and women’s underwear…some of it “USED.” Apparently, it was quite smelly in the bag. Talk about a TKO.

Oh, and the best part is that the company representative said is was “a quality problem that they were dealing with.” Ummm…ok. How is it a quality problem when someone decides to fill your product with underwear instead of sand? Sounds more like a “dumb ass” problem to me!

http://www.click2houston.com/news/13331924/detail.html?treets=hou&tid=2658568180813&tml=hou_ent&tmi=hou_ent_1_12150205172007&ts=H

It’s been a long time since I looked over a Stat Counter report for my blog, but after careful review today I came to two conclusions.

1. Some of the searches that brought people to my site are funny, and some are incredibly disturbing….

Funny: “crazy baby sitter”

Disturbing: “rotting dog corpses pictures” (I promise I don’t have any…don’t ask me how this search turned up my blog!)

Funny: “throwing up barfing vomiting puking”

Disturbing: “sauerkraut juice” (Only Omar’s friend is supposed to care about skj!)

Funny: “accidentally took 2 prenatal vitamins”

Disturbing: “Elmo cursing” (Is their Elmo cursing at them or vice versa?)

2. When you look at the pages these searches pulled up, it’s some of the funnier stories on my blog…kind of a “Best of” The B.S. Cafe.

My babysitter eating a pound of salami, letting my dog eat baby puke, my husband accidentally taking my prenatal vitamins….it really doesn’t get any better!

It’s not often that I am completely impressed by someone I don’t know, but Jeff Ruby has definitely won my respect. In case you haven’t heard the story, he is the owner of a restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky, who refused to serve O.J. Simpson during the Kentucky Derby. (Here’s a link to the full story: http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/owner-boots-oj-simpson-from-restaurant/20070509092009990001?cid=2359)

It makes me feel good to know that somewhere in our crazy, bassackwards world, there is still justice…well, sometimes. Karma is really starting to kick O.J.’s ass, and I couldn’t be happier about it. He didn’t get to publish/profit from his ridiculous book about how he “would” have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, and now some brave man stood up and said “No! You will not be treated like a celebrity in my place of business.” So kudos to you, Jeff Ruby. It’s refreshing to see someone ACT on their values.

But, P.S….watch your back. As O.J.’s idiot lawyer, Yale Galanter, so eloquently put it “”He screwed with the wrong guy, he really did.” Apparently, O.J. isn’t above threatening people. Shocker.

The hubby comes into the bedroom around 2:00 a.m. this morning, waking me up as he gets into bed….

Me: Why are you up so late?

Hubby: I fell asleep on the couch. Next time, please turn off the TV before you go to bed.

Me: Ok, but that might have pissed you off considering that you were still watching it when I went to bed.

Hubby: Oh, well, I had a really bad nightmare. And when I woke up, one of those infomericals for Viagra or Cialis was on.

Me: And what does that have to do with anything?

Hubby: I was dreaming that my stuff didn’t work.

Me: Wow, that is scary, but I am sure your “stuff” is fine.

Hubby: Want to check for me?

Me: (silent)

Hubby: Ok, then. Sweet dreams.