Me Eat Pretty Houses

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In our old neighborhood, where I still take my daughter to preschool, these signs are in every yard. Apparently, someone wants to put up a high rise. And while I am way too tired to take a side at the moment (it’s a constant zoning debate here in Houston…we don’t have any and that appears to be a problem!), I always laugh when I see these signs.

I picture the building coming to life and stomping around the neighborhood like Godzilla. “MEAN BUILDING EAT HAPPY NEIGHBORHOOD AND PEEK IN PEOPLE’S WINDOWS!”

They definitely get an A+ in the marketing department. This is the most memorable advertisement I have seen in a while.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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One way to keep the 2 year old somewhat in line while nursing the baby is to turn on Sesame Street or The Wiggles. It’s a not a perfect trick, but it does keep the destruction and tantrums minimal. But, it also turns my mind to mush, being that I am a “captive” audience.

So, I have been watching so much children’s programming that I have found myself having issues with Elmo or Greg or whoever. For instance, Murray was explaining how all the Wiggles and their friends helped out with the furniture when they moved into Wiggle house. But in the next episode, the Little Wiggles are living in Wiggle house with all the same furnishings. WTF Wiggles? Did you think that would slide past me?

And Elmo…well, I love him. I rarely get too crazy watching him, but he needs to stop with the third person references. It gets old when Regis Philbin does it and it’s getting old with you too, Elmo. I also don’t believe that Mr. Penguin wanted his peanut butter sandwich on pumpernickel bread. I understand that the letter of the day was “P”, but WTF Sesame Street? No one would order a peanut butter on pumpernickel with a potato and pineapple. No one.

I would think that maybe I was losing my mind a little, if my husband hadn’t recently mentioned that he is having “issues” with Winnie the Pooh. Apparently, Winnie gave Roo a honey jar to present to his mom for her birthday, but he had eaten all the honey first. And on another episode he ate everyone’s Halloween candy. So Dan thinks Winnie is a fat, lazy, inconsiderate bear who is sending the wrong messages to children. Take that, Pooh!

And speaking of….just a little update on PoopFest 2007. Whenever my daughter goes #2 now, she comes and tells us that she has “bad poo”…which is much better than having her smear it on the walls. So, if any of you parents out there experience it, cold showers are the answer. Say no to bad poo, kids!

“What the F*ck?” Chuck

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WTF is up with Chuck Norris? He is EVERYWHERE, and I just don’t understand the attraction/love/obsession.

First, there are Walker Texas Ranger reruns on at all times of the day and night. (Per an Internet search, that show went off the air 6 years ago…it’s time to let it go, folks. Seriously. And for all you non-Texans who think that the show is a representation of life here in the Lone Star State, please come visit.)

Then, of course, there are the non-stop infomercials of Chuck and Christie Brinkley selling The Total Gym. I was also recently watching a episode of Late Night with Conan O’Brien (which I NEVER watch), and he was playing clips from Chuck Norris movies. I turned on the radio last week and the morning show guys from the hippest station in town were giving out Chuck Norris “facts”… such as “Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father” and “Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.” (Which were actually kind of funny, but I had no idea everyone held Chuck Norris in such high regard.)

He’s in a Mountain Dew commercial (that is also pretty funny) and he also has a new Honda commercial with the tag line “tough meets classy.”

So I have to know people…WTF is up with Chuck Norris??? He seems like a nice enough guy…I mean, he doesn’t make me want to vomit like say, Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van D*ckhead. But I still don’t get it.

Enlighten me…PLEASE.

New Tricks

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Although it appears that PoopFest 2007 may have finally come to an end, nothing is ever boring with my precious Anabella. I mean, she can’t just be good, right?

So her new trick…

After putting her to bed one night last week, my mommy radar kicked in and I had that feeling that I should check the monitor to see if she was okay. When i turned on the video, I was greeted by my little girl doing what I have dubbed as “Toddler Tae Bo” in the nude. She was standing in bed, doing all kinds of kicks and jumps and toe touches. I have to admit that it was pretty friggin funny, until I pictured what would happen if she need to potty.

So I ran upstairs and was greeted by little Miss NakedPants smiling all sweetly. “HI!” she said. Then she walked over to the dresser, picked up her pajamas and diaper (which she had folded up neatly before placing them there), and brought them to me. I redressed her, kissed her goodnight, and we made it through the evening without further incident.

Until two days later when it was time for another nighttime nuddie workout.

Where the hell is Rhonda?

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In a dark corner holding herself in the fetal position? Not yet.

BIG kudos to all of you ladies out there who have managed a toddler and a newborn. I know it’s not impossible and yet, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. So the reason I haven’t been posting much is because every “free” minute is used to make me feel sane again…by doing things like showering, eating and going to the restroom.

The highlight of this past week was finding my second gray hair. There it was sticking straight out from my temple. (The first showed up after I got married…and now this one appears once my sweet Anabella hits her terrible twos. No coincedence there.) Of course, I got right to work ridding myself of it, but unfortuately several innocent red hairs died in the process. Why are those little gray ones so hard to pull? Anyway, Dan put his fabulous spin on it.

Me: I can’t believe I have a second gray hair! I’m only 37.

Dan: Well, at least it’s not down there.

Me: Yes, that is quite a relief.

So, Here’s the stats, in case anyone besides me is interested:

Times I’ve been projectile puked on: 4
Number of times I was fully dressed and ready to leave the house when it happened: 2
Times I’ve been peed on while changing a diaper: 3
Pounds lost: 37
Number of things I have bought off infomercials: 0 (only becuase I haven’t had the energy to find my credit card.
Number of cold showers for Anabella after playing with poop: ZERO! Thank you for small miracles. However, she does have a new “trick”, which I will tell you all about tomorrow.

Oh, and did I mention that we all fighting off a cold? Lovely.

Weekend Dose of Cuteness

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She will 4 weeks old tomorrow and I already see a little of me in her…besides the good looks, of course. Like her mama, Scarlett hates to have her feet covered and will wiggle endlessly until they are free.

“What the Fuck?” Wednesday – Halloween Horror

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I love Target…anyone who knows me knows this to be true. But I have to say that I was a little disturbed when I noticed some of the costumes they are marketing to girls through their Target brand. As a mom of two little girls, this is the kind of stuff that makes me wonder how in the hell I am going to raise smart, savvy, self-respecting women.

What do these costumes say to you?

“Hi. I’m a GEISHA, which means I am here to entertain men. Yes, I know I am only seven, but since they put ‘spider’ in front of geisha, no one should find this disturbing.”

“Look how cute being in the military is! Make your top a little sassy and wear heels with your uniform…viola! Being the army is downright sexy, fashionable and fun.”

WTF Target? Is anyone actually thinking before they put this stuff on the shelf?

New product for men

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I was keeping my mind stimulated the other night by reading the grocery receipt, when I stumbled upon a very strange purchase.


Could it be some new gel/foam/lubricant/happy pill that will keep my husband’s Mr. How Do You Do “preserved” while we endure the doctor mandated sexual hiatus for the remaining 3 weeks?? I rummaged through the cabinets trying to figure out what he bought for his penis, when I finally came across the DICKINSON’S Strawberry Preserves in the pantry (notice that just three items down, the Dickinson’s Pumpkin Butter is abbreviated quite differently).

So for my next job, I want to be the person who decides what abbreviations go on the receipts at the grocery store. (The current guy seems like he might be like Brad Pitt in Fight Club…getting a kick from sneaking in one frame of porn into the kid movies.) Of course, I would be less sexual/pornographic and more humorous/sarcastic. Kind of like when Omar bought a “boy toy” at Burger King!

My week in review

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Unfortunately, my life is pretty boring at the moment. It’s all babies, lessons in patience, and watching TV. But to keep myself entertained, I have been keeping track of some personal stats. Here are the current tallies:

  • Times I’ve been projectile puked on: 2

  • Times I’ve been peed on while changing a diaper: 2

  • Pounds lost: 33 (I gained 50, so don’t be too impressed, especially since I still had “baby weight” from the last one!)

  • Number of cold showers for Anabella after playing with poop since the baby came home: 3
  • Number of things I have bought off infomercials: 0 (this is quite a feat)
  • Number of things I am very tempted to buy off an infomercial: 2 (The Tobi steamer looks really cool.)
  • Number of times I have been tempted to drink heavily after dealing with terrible two year old: Countless