Now this is a made-up holiday that I can support.
I say we all sleep as much as possible this week. Screw work, cleaning the house or doing anything productive. It’s sleep week, people! Woohoo!
Finally!
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Ruining my weekend bliss
Please go take a look at my profile and tell me how my age became TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY?!!!! That is not even funny, Blogger.
I intend to change it, but I just wanted to give you all a chance to see it and be outraged first.
Oh Happy Saturday
I was exceptionally happy today and here is why…
1. ) Anna Nicole Smith is finally buried. I know it won’t be the end of all the media craziness, but it’s nice that she has finally had a funeral. Who knows what really went on between her and her mother, but personally I find her mom to be selfish and kind of crazy. If you buy yourself a grave plot, it’s pretty clear that is where you want to be buried. And what kind of mother would leave her child in a morgue for three weeks while she fights to bury Anna Nicole someplace she didn’t even want to live? I love Texas, but Mexia is a shit hole, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be buried there. Heck, I would take the Bahamas as my final resting place over Texas any day of the week.
2.) My self-cleaning oven…what an incredible invention! I guess it gets as hot as a crematorium in that thing, because it was covered in goo and crusted stuff….then voila! Just a few ashy stains remained, which I wiped off with a paper towel, and it looked brand new. I am in total amazement. Oh how happy it makes me when I don’t have to clean something myself.
3.) Spring in Texas. Today was frickin‘ gorgeous! A nice wind, clear skies and 70 degrees. I sat outside and watched the ducks on the lake, read a book, and got a little sun. We only have about 10 days a year when you can actually sit outside for more than 15 minutes, so it was a day to be treasured.
Clearly, I am very easy to please.
Oscar Extravaganza
Last Sunday was my 5th annual Oscar Extravaganza. I rolled out the red carpet for 12 of my fabulous friends, who came over for food, wine, swag bags, and the opportunity to win the coveted Golden Biatch Award.
I love the Oscars. It’s fun to try to see as many of the movies as possible (although it didn’t help me pick the winners) beforehand, but my favorite part is the acceptance speeches…or, the GOOD acceptance speeches. (Forest Whitaker did a great job, but he was the only standout this year.)
Having Ellen D. as the host was an added bonus. She was so funny! And thank goodness, because otherwise this year’s show was sooooooo long, and kind of boring. Anyway, here’s a few photos, including the GB in her new home (until next year).
The girls walking the red carpet…
Party shots
I know it’s hard to believe, but I made her myself. She got a dress this year, and those are empty wine bottles around her feet. Looks like Bunny found an appropriate place for her…on a throne.
February 27 — The day I found out that I’m not as cute as I used to be
Not only did I get a speeding ticket today, but I couldn’t even get my mojo in gear to try to B.S. or flirt my way out of it. In fact, the cop didn’t even get off his cell phone (grrrr!) while writing my ticket. Granted I was in workout clothes, hair in a ponytail, and looking very mommyish….but don’t you at least want to give me a chance, Officer?
If I didn’t have such a sweet history of getting out of traffic trouble, I guess I wouldn’t be so bummed. (I don’t have exact numbers, but I would say I am probably 70-30, in my favor of course.)
My first, and by far most important, escape from trouble was in 1985. I was only 15, and didn’t even have a driving permit, but that didn’t stop me from “borrowing” my uncle’s car and going for a joy ride. The joy ended when I slammed into the back of a brand new Dodge Daytona (it still had paper tags). My uncle’s Trans Am was a mess (remember how they had those headlights that went up and down? Well one wouldn’t stop going up and down….even when I turned off the car.) and I seriously injured my knee, but somehow I managed to talk my way out of even turning over my non-existent driver’s license. I am guessing the cops didn’t give a crap about two teenagers getting in a fender bender, but I definitely saved myself a lot of legal problems. (Although, the world probably would have been a lot safer if I had been busted that night, because I was the proud recipient of SIX speeding tickets between the ages of 16 and 18. Proof that teenagers should not be allowed to drive alone!)
After I turned 18 (and was no longer jail-bait), I walked away ticket-free at least 2 out of every 3 times I was pulled over. And yes, I was pulled over a lot. I like speed. Sometimes I would flirt and sometimes I would have an excuse that worked…late for work with a mean boss, grandparent in hospital, female problems (which can get you out of more than just tickets, ladies), friend in trouble, etc.
Once, the officer let me go because I was jammin‘ to Barry White and he was a big fan too. The last time I was pulled over, about 3 years ago, the cop was so in love with my car that he just asked me questions about it and then let me go (after he sat behind the wheel, of course).
So, these past few years, I have been a much safer driver, mainly because I have important cargo now. He only “clocked” me doing 77 when my speedometer registered 83, so I guess I should be thankful for that.
And don’t worry, the kiddo wasn’t in the car….it was AC/DC that made me speed. Damn that “Thunderstruck.”
Our World Has Gone Crazy Week — Part 4
Exhibit 4 – EVERYONE has a something to tell me
I can’t drive down the street or drink a cup of coffee without someone taking the opportunity to give me some crazy/pointless/inspirational/unintelligible/marketing/doomsday message. See some examples (taken just this week) below:
Can’t I just eat my chocolate in peace? Do we have to fill every open space with something?
Our World Has Gone Crazy Week — Part 3
Salmonella Everywhere!!
First green onions, then spinach, and now peanut butter. Nothing is safe to eat anymore. I mean, really, how exactly are feces getting into the peanut butter??!
And here is the crazy part…
My babysitter (the one who can eat a pound of salami in one sitting) has had bathroom “issues” for over three weeks. About two weeks ago, she tells me that her dog now has the same issues. Well of course, it turns out she has been eating bad peanut butter…almost FOUR jars of it…over the past four weeks. So, 1.) Who can eat four jars of peanut butter and not weigh 400 pounds? and 2.) How are she and the dog not dead? Either she has a killer immune system or they both just built up a tolerance from eating two peanut butter/bacteria-laced sandwiches a day. (Like how people in Mexico don’t get sick from the water?)
And yes, she feeds her dog sandwiches…do you really find that surprising?
P.S. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my fabulous husband, Dan, and to my best friend from high school, Halle. Both of whom turn 35 today! Welcome to the downhill slide guys. 🙂
Our World Has Gone Crazy Week — Part 2
Exhibit 2 – The diaper-wearing astronaut and the teenagers who baked a puppy
Do I really need to pull out the soapbox for either of these stories? The reason why I think these two stories further exhibit the downward spiral of society (beyond the obvious, of course) is that 1.) wearing a diaper so you can kill someone faster takes a special kind of crazy, especially when you are one of an “elite” group of people who are loved and admired by people everywhere. I mean really, who hates astronauts? And, 2.) BAKING a puppy, and then showing it to neighborhood children, shows a complete absence of a heart. I would really like to know more about the parents who raised these two monsters.
Here’s a blog on the whole ordeal, if you are interested in making yourself feel bad. http://georgiapuppytorture.blogspot.com/
Our World Has Gone Crazy Week
Today is the first of a week-long series in which I intend to prove that our world has gone absolutely crazy.
Exhibit 1 – Anna Nicole Smith
As most of you know, I found myself deathly ill for almost a week…and (un)luckily for me, that time spent in bed coincided with Anna Nicole Smith’s tragic death. Therefore, I was treated to non-stop coverage of her life, death, lovers, habits, etc. The one thing that really stood out to me was that news channels don’t seem to care about facts anymore. They will let any nutjob (like Bobby Trendy) get on TV and say whatever they want, as if it was fact.
One guy (on Redeye) even thought it would be funny to claim that a dolphin could be the baby’s father. WTF? It was really kind of heartbreaking that people were practically making fun of her and the woman hadn’t even been dead for even a week. I understand that she had problems. It’s clear that she was a misguided soul. But she was still a human being. Anna Nicole lost a child, which I am sure is pain beyond imagination, and now she has left behind a little baby. A baby who will never know her mother, and whose future is totally up in the air. Does no one else find that to be sad?
Journalism is in a really pitiful state. “The Soup” on E! was more respectful than all the news stations combined. That is pathetic! I find myself being oh-so-very grateful that I did not pursue my dreams of being a newspaper or TV reporter.
So to conclude, news stations reporting opinions as facts and giving credibility to anyone who claims to know something…the first reason why I think our world has lost its collective mind.
Where’s Rhonda???
On her deathbed!
Sorry I haven’t been posting or commenting this past week, but I have spent 20% of my time with my head in a toilet and the other 80% in bed. Something was definitely trying to kill me, but I think I have prevailed. I am currently on anti-vomit medication (I had no idea there was such a thing!), so while I am not barfing, I am now dizzy, tired and still quite nauseous. Hopefully I will be feeling more normal soon, as I have LOTS of things to blog about. (A solid week of TV has given me many, many topics….Anna Nicole Smith, the diaper-wearing astronaut, the teenagers who baked a puppy…our world has gone mad, people!)
In the interim, my friend Kim sent me a really funny video from YouTube featuring the late Steve Irwin. I will post it for your viewing pleasure.