“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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The IT gestapo is at it again
First, they blocked the National Nap Month site, because reading about napping is “malicious,” and now they have blocked Kodak Gallery, because it’s a “personal network storage and backup” site. Uh huh. So? Weirdly enough, you can still access Snapfish and Shutterfly and Flickr. Just not the one site I use. WTF?

And it’s also strangely and ridiculously random. I can visit one of my favorite blogs (“F*ck you, Penguin”) one day and the next day it tells me that site is “tasteless.” You can’t email me a document with the word “f*ck” in it, but I can email my list of our 200 top executives that same document, no problem.

Bad marketing, Texas
I saw this sign last week and it gave me the heeby jeebies. WTF is up with the creepy-ass sign, Texas? I don’t mind participating in an extended neighborhood watch, but could we get a better mascot? The guy with the extra wide shoulders, teeny tiny head and crazy eyes kind of looks like one of the Sand People from Star Wars.


Inappropriate Behavior
As I sit here writing this, I hear one of my coworkers return to the office. He’s eating something, he opens a can of coke, and then I hear him … clipping his nails??? I walk over to see why he is back, but it’s not Stephen. It’s the janitor. Hanging out in Stephen’s cube for a quick bite and some personal hygiene. WTF? What else is going on in our cubicle nation after hours?

Bringing the fun back to holidays

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I get joy from my children almost every day, but one thing that is really so super awesome fantastic about little kids is how much they enjoy holidays. Anabella really “got” July 4th this year, which made it my best July 4th in at least a decade. (My last awesome July 4th included me losing my hearing for about two weeks, but that’s another post.)

My friend Stasa threw a great party, complete with babysitters and lots of activities for the kiddos. And she lives about a block away from the location of the biggest fireworks in Houston, so it couldn’t have been a better evening. Anabella discovered her love of glow-in-the-dark jewelry and fire, in the form of sparklers …


… and we had an incredible view of the fireworks display. (Sorry, but iPhone isn’t equipped for that kind of photography.)

So it totally made up for having to stay in this hell-hole weather, instead of taking our usual trip to Michigan, where they are enjoying 70-degree days. (Bastards.)

Dan also cleaned our pool this weekend, evicting our two resident frogs and their million or so offspring. (He also had to kill a water spider that was apparently the size of his hand. Eeek.) Which means I no longer have to listen to frogs fornicating as I go to sleep at night. Oh. And I can swim in my pool. Yeah!

P.S. What’s Scarlett balancing on her head today? A box of mac & cheese, of course.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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I received the following mass email from a neighbor yesterday:

Hi all,
If you know me you know I have two dachshunds that run out the door, climb under the fence or escape when the yard company does not shut gate totally. I really try to watch them but they are a handful. Thanks to anyone that has or will help me. I am at (address).

Name of Neighbor

WTF, stupid neighbor? I have personally returned your dog(s) at least five times and my babysitter has returned them twice. Once you wouldn’t even answer the door, so she opened it up and threw them in. This is what your note says to me:

Hi minions,
I have two dogs that are a total pain in my ass and I don’t care enough to take care of them. They will probably be run over in the near future, but I’m not really concerned with that … in fact, that would be great because these dachshunds are ruining my life.

If you see them, please go to the trouble of catching them and bring them to me at my earliest convenience. Of course, I won’t do anything to keep it from happening again, so please expect to do this several times. You don’t have anything better to do, right?

The Queen of the Subdivision

P.S. Please do not touch me, look at me directly or use my name in vain.

Have any stupid neighbor stories for me? Feel free to leave a link.

Just another day in …

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I was hoping today would be all flowers and sunshine and rainbows …. especially after the events of last week, but instead it was just more blah and scorching 100+ degree weather.

Driving in to work I hear the OxyClean guy died, and all I could think was that I hope I don’t get sucked into watching a tribute to him. I spent a few hours over the weekend learning more about MJ and FF, and I should probably be spending that time with the kiddos. Plus, the Bachlorette is on tonight and I have to see what that douche bag Wes is up to this week.

Layoffs are over, but everyone is still in a funk around here. I tried to hold the elevator for a woman this morning, but it nearly chopped off my arm. The woman who was already on the elevator with me chimed “Ha ha! Too bad, so sad!” I must have given her quite the look, because she spent the next 35 flights telling me the nice things she had done lately, which she said gave her karma credits. Uh huh.

So, I need some happy news, blog friends. What is HAPPY in your life this week?

P.S. What’s Scarlett balancing on her head today? Tupperware!

What will cause Rhonda to drink heavily this week?

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Here’s the lowdown on the warfare against me over the past few days.

  • Crohn’s in full flare-up. Spent most of the weekend in bed.
  • Waiting for layoffs at work … which feels like waiting for the Grim Reaper to arrive.
  • Deuce, curled up on my chest sleeping, looks up and takes a bite out of my NECK. The really sensitive part of my neck half way between my chin and collar bone. A-hole.
  • Anabella is pushing all of my buttons at every opportunity. Telling me “no” and being quite the PITA.
  • Scarlett runs up behind me, hugs my leg … and then BITES me on the ass. Hard. Then laughs.
  • Deuce knocks my bedside lamp onto my head in the middle of the night, almost giving me a complete heart attack.
  • Scarlett continues to manhandle Deuce and requires constant supervision. But now she runs, with Deuce still in her grips, if I reprimand her.
  • Put Deuce in my bedroom for a few minutes to give Scarlett a “time out.” He crawls into my bra/panty drawer and PEES.
  • Did I mention Dan is out of town?

So, what will it be?


“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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I’m headed to work this morning, listening to a local R&B station, and the Sean John song “Get Busy” comes on. I’ve heard it before, but I can’t say that I’ve really listened to the lyrics … and not 15 seconds in, I swear I hear my daughter’s name. OMFG … he did not just say “Anabella” I thought. So I listen … and wait … and I hear it again. OMFG.

As soon as I get to work I google the song lyrics and sure enough … Anabella. Telling her to shake her thing. Get jiggy. Get it on. WTF? Anabella isn’t exactly a super-common name. How did that happen?

Here’s a snippit …
Shake that thing miss kana kana
Shake that thing miss annabella
Shake that thing yan donna donna
Jodi and rebecca
Woman get busy, just shake that booty non-stop
When the beat drops
Just keep swinging it
Get jiggy
Get crunked up
Percolate anything you want to call it
Oscillate you hip and don’t take pity
Me want fi see you get live ‘pon the riddim when me ride
And me lyrics a provide electricity
Gal nobody can tell you nuttin’
Can you done know your destiny
Yo sexy ladies want par with us

Please consider this an open letter to the music community … I beg you to write a nice love song/top-40 teeny bopper hit/musak tune using my daughter’s name. I can not tell you how annoyed I get when a middle-aged man sings “Help Me, Rhonda,” but at least that song doesn’t tell me to shake my ass and get “crunked” up.

Why oh why did I not name my child Beth or Mandy or Caroline or Janie or Roxanne …

Kitty!

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We have a new family member! He’s an absolute sweetheart, but he’s also a kick ass ninja kitty who put both dogs in line within 24 hours. Apparently he also has no nerve endings, because he’s been brutalized by Scarlett and has yet to bite or scratch her. He’s a keeper.

We’ve been running through names, but are having a hard time deciding on something. So take the poll below … I’m giving the power to the people!

I tend to lean toward people names for animals, but we have a three year old participating in the process. See if you can tell which two suggestions are Anabella’s.

Things I’ve learned recently – Jury Duty Edition

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A big thanks to the powers that be for not picking me to serve on the jury. It was a child-molestation case, which is probably the last kind of trial I would chose to sit on. (It was hellish enough just listening to the charges and staring at the defendant all day.) But, as with everything else, I was able to find the humor in the situation. So here is what I learned from my day at jury duty.

1. A grand jury will indict a ham sandwich. Or so said the defense attorney. I had no idea that ham sandwiches were so dangerous, but maybe it goes back to the Cass Elliott/ham sandwich rumors.
2. People actually want to serve jury duty. When asked who wanted to be there, 22 people (out of 100), raised their hands. Most were young (early 20s) and several said it would be “cool” or “fun” to be included in the process. Others wanted to serve because their employers would pay them if they were picked. I don’t know where those people work, but it must be someplace awful. I work at AIG and I didn’t want to be there.
3. Judges want to talk to “normal” people. Our judge stopped the proceedings to find out if someone in the jury pool was maybe related to him because they shared his mother’s maiden name. This is also probably because I was in Podunk, Texas, for jury duty. (I live about 50 steps outside of the county that encompasses most of the Houston area.) I know that for sure because the guy sitting in front of me was the D.A.’s neighbor and several people knew the defense attorney because he had worked for their family or friends.
4. Old people don’t know what iPhones are. One of the many suggestions given to me for getting out of jury duty was using my iPhone during the proceedings. I checked email, sent text messages, took a picture of my juror number, and even Yammered with my coworkers, but the baliff (who was sitting one chair down from me) never said a word.



5. Human Resources professionals are better equipped to judge people. Yes, one lady actually claimed to be better suited for jury duty than EVERYONE else in the room because she was in HR. Whatever.


… and my favorite …

6. Children under the age of 8 don’t lie. I know, I can barely write that without laughing, but one man argued that point for 10 long minutes. I wanted to stand up and say “Dude, I have a three year old who lies every day about having poop in her pull-up!”

— The B.S. Cafe is now (NOT) serving its civic duty.