Monthly Archives: November 2006

“What the F*ck” Wednesday? — Automobile edition

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My car has been giving me BIG headaches lately. A few weeks ago, someone backed into it at Target leaving me with a broken taillight and no note (thanks). $275 and all was well again.

Then one rainy day, it just stops moving forward. One week and $700 later, all was well again. — P.S. That amount included $150 to fix the wiper on my HEADLIGHT (My reaction…I have wipers on my headlights?!). When I acted all indignant about how ridiculous that little luxury is, I was informed that some people apparently use Land Rovers to go off-roading and get mud on their headlights.

<----Who knew? ;)
Last week, the hubby borrows my car and returns it with a HUGE, unfixable ding in the windshield. (He acted like he didn’t know it happened. Uh huh.) And finally, yesterday I notice that a fog light has now been busted out somehow.

WHAT THE F*CK?

Seriously car, please stop it.

So, I have decided that if you are still making car payments, you shouldn’t have to pay for anything related to your car. Everything should be covered by your car payment…oil changes, washer fluid, busted lights, new windshields, etc. And when I start Rhonda’s Car Finance Company, I promised that is how it will be.

What are you hiding?

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I am hiding all kinds of ridiculous things lately. And while I am very good at hiding, sometimes I am not so great at finding. (Somewhere in this house is my one and only sex toy that I was scared my maid might find. Neither of us has come across it in almost 2 years!)

Last night the hubby and I decided to go to a movie. We called the babysitter and she was available. Time to hide some stuff. No, not my jewels or our other riches, but food we hoped to see when we returned home.

The issue with the babysitter (a long-time, single friend of mine who is 6’1″, thin and eats like a football team) is that 1.) she tends to gravitate toward very expensive food or things that my hubby has bought as a special treat for one of us and 2.) she eats things in their entirety.

Last month the hubby brought me back a box of dark chocolate from Holland. I assume it was fabulous, because she ate it all in one evening. (She had cleverly taken out the trash, so it was as if the chocolate never even existed!) Another time she ate a POUND of fancy peppered salami that we bought for a little shin-dig we were having the following evening.

I personally find it kind of amusing, but the hubby gets a little irritated, so off I went to hide our beloved treats. The Mini Milanos went under the rice. The Reese’s left over from Halloween went behind the tea. Then, the hubby calls out “don’t forget to hide the salami.” (A game I never thought I would play with the babysitter! )

Ridiculously fabulous purchase of the month

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Once again Target has proven to be my shopping mecca. I cannot tell you how many times someone parks like a total ass and I don’t have the time/energy/paper to write them a sweet little note. Now I can just whip out my latest Target find, and…TADA, instant gratification for me!

The ticket says:

“You are an inconsiderate person. This is not a real ticket, but it should be. Because of your rude and lame attempt at parking you have taken enough room for an army and a circus. You have received this ticket in hopes that you will learn to think of others before parking in the future. You probably change lanes without using a signal too. I hope your engine blows up during rush hour on your birthday!”

I could not have said it better myself. So, if you live in Houston and find one of these on your car, you know where to find me if you would like to discuss your parking issues.

Introducing…

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(I realize I need to hire a real designer, but this will have to do for now.)

I’ve noticed many people do a “Thursday Thirteen” or “Friday Five,” so I’ve decided to start “What the F*ck?” Wednesday to explore all the things in the world that baffle me. And seeing as how I am often perplexed at people/events/products/commercials/etc., I will probably never run out of material.

So, week one of “What the F*ck?” Wednesday is…

Taco Bell’s Fourth Meal

What is Taco Bell thinking? We are still the fattest nation in the world, right? Obesity rates are still rising, correct? So some marketing genius decides that we need to encourage people to eat yet another meal…in the middle of the night…and at Taco Bell? Fried tortillas and cheese and lard and other crap at 3 a.m. Yes, I think that is what we all need.

What the F*ck?

Go Kinky!

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I voted today. Here’s the proof…go me. Now I can’t wait to see who wins our gubernatorial race here in Texas.

When pondering what to write about today, I was considering a real come-to-Jesus sort of post, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Besides, does anyone really care to hear the big scandalous secret about how long it has been since I voted? I didn’t think so.

Ok, on to more important matters. ANGRY CHICK. Everyone loves her. Everyone wants to see more of her. Here you go, Angry Chick fans. A little Angry Chick carrying one big-ass pistol.

I bought these two in a gallery in Chicago (it was a crazy weekend). They are officially called “Go Ahead, Make My Day,” but I refer to them as Angry Chick and Mean Pussy. HA!

Where’s the Chicken?

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Lately, I’ve been trying my best to lose the rest of the baby weight (yes, I know the “baby” is 15 months old…shut your pie hole! ), so I hired a trainer to kick my ass once a week and I’ve been eating as healthy as possible most of the time.

My husband (a.k.a. the Food Nazi) had me convinced that frozen diet dinners are evil, but lately they have been touting “no preservatives,” so I’ve been keeping a few around for those days when I need something fast. I was enjoying a yummy Garlic Chicken pizza when I picked up the box and saw the following.

I guess you don’t need preservatives when something is only 14.1% REAL! EEEK!

I will never admit that the Food Nazi was right, but I won’t be eating any more Lean Cuisine Garlic Chicken Pizza that’s for sure!

She’s just one angry woman

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Yesterday, I had the incredible pleasure of going to a luncheon featuring Helen Thomas. At 86 years old, she is quick-witted, smart, opinionated, and inspiring. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Thomas)

Not only is she a legend in journalism, she was a trailblazer for the women’s rights movement. When asked about that, she said “I was just one angry woman…part of a mob.”

Helen and me!

Here are a few tidbits I wrote down:

– When Fidel Castro was asked the difference between U.S. democracy and his democracy, he said “I don’t have to answer questions from Helen Thomas.”

– When asked about “leaks,” Helen said “leaks are absolutely necessary. I salute all whistler blowers.”

– Asked about the best presidents, Helen spoke on the achievements of JFK and LBJ. “That’s two Democrats, now let’s take two Republicans,” the moderator said. “WHY?” she said.

So a BIG shout out to my friend Stasa, who invited me to this fabulous event. As a former high school newspaper editor and journalism major, it was a real honor to meet Helen Thomas. She rocks.

P.S. The moderator made a major faux pas when he mentioned that Helen was a guest on “The Daily Show with Stephen Cobert.” EEEK! My poor Jon got dissed.

Power makes me happy

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My car is still in the shop (argh), so I have borrowed the hubby’s transportation several times over the past few days. This is what he drives.

I don’t know what you would think if you saw me driving by in this, but apparently people here in Houston think this car says “GRRRRRR…I’M MEAN!”

It’s fabulous.

I can drive 55 in the fast lane in this monster and no one gives me the evil sideways look as they pass by. Cars that are 1/4 mile ahead on the road move out of my lane immediately. I was the LAST person to arrive at a four-way stop, and no one wanted to move until I passed through. A pedestrian even apologized for walking in front of me (at a crosswalk, when she had the little “go” hand). I feel so powerful. I am Queen of the Road.

And not only that, but everyone stares at me too. So I feel powerful AND pretty! This is the best car ever. 🙂

If you don’t believe me, you are welcome to come over and take this puppy around the block a few times. Just don’t be multi-tasking, because one minute you are dialing your cell phone and then BAM, you’ve demolished the Toyota in the next lane.