Me — In Numbers

Stealing Borrowing an idea from Omar today … he won’t mind and he’s probably not reading this post anyway.

So here is what I have been up to since last Wednesday “by the numbers:”

6 – NCAA basketball games I watched (53 – Number of brackets I need to “grade” tonight for the pool I am participating in)

5 – Bottles of champagne consumed on Sunday for Jéanne’s birthday (I had help!)

4 – Massages I’ve had since last Thursday (I canceled a membership at Massage Envy and was forced to use the stockpile … poor me.)

3 – Trips to Target (and subsequently, to Starbucks … so much for quitting that habit)

2 – Birthday parties attended (One at Jumpin‘ Jungle, but that didn’t include champagne. Unfortunately.)

1 – Number of amazing things Scarlett did at breakfast on Sunday (She was playing with a fork … banging it on the table mainly … then she starts stabbing eggs and eating off of it like she had been doing it for years.) Pictures? Of course!

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving the certainty that Scarlett is, in fact, a gifted child. Stabbing with the fork AND “enrolling.” Go ahead and look that up. I had to.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

WTF is up with these “toddler” shoes? Why why WHY would you put a one-inch heel on a shoe for a baby? Poor Scarlett would kill herself in these things. She trips just running around bare-footed. What’s going to happen when I put a 1-1/2 year old in wedges? What’s next, Miracle Bras for the elementary school girls?

I would also like to know WTF is up with the toddler terrorism going on at our house (Anabella!). Besides the general sassiness (“I’m sorry, but I am NOT going night-night!”), we’ve (Anabella!) now taken to evil misdeeds.

Last Saturday morning
Dan and Scarlett were napping, and I let Anabella draw with markers under my careful supervision. I got up to use the restroom and when I came back, not only had she drawn all over her arms and legs, but her lips were also colored blue and my ottoman looked like this.

WTF? I was gone for 60 seconds! When I asked her why she did it, she just shrugged. Clearly, this was a premeditated thing.
Toddler mind games … Anabella – 1, Mommy – 0.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving gratitude to Baby Jesus for the invention of washable markers.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today?

Just fry it

I took the girls to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo this week. We’ve been before, but this year Anabella really got it … she asked lots of questions about the animals, had a great time in the petting zoo, and insisted on getting a cowboy hat. A few highlights …

I’ve seen a lot of longhorns in my life, but this dude was HUGE. Seriously. This picture does him no justice.

The birthing center was extremely cool, and of course little kids love baby animals. We saw newborn calves, piglets, goats, chicks, lambs, etc.

The petting zoo was also a big hit, but I couldn’t get any photos. The animals are super aggressive if you go in there with food. A deer tried to eat my hoodie and one a**hole goat kept kicking me in the back of the leg every time I turned away from him. After 10 minutes of fighting off the inmates, all I had left was the ice cream cone the kibble came in. I gave it to Ninja Goat so we could make our escape and for the rest of the afternoon, Anabella kept saying “goats sure do like ice cream.” Ha. I don’t know what’s in the kibble, but the goats will kill you for it.

After the petting zoo, we went to get Anabella some Dipping Dots, but I somehow managed to go without eating any rodeo food. This sign is part of the reason … just the thought of all this stuff gave me premonitions of an evening full of unpleasant BMs.

Why? Why do we need to fry everything? Fries, chicken fingers, pickles … fine. But I draw the line at candy bars and key lime pie. Are we just looking for ways to make things as fattening as they can possibly be? And I am guessing the picture of the Twinkie was taken before they threw him in vat of boiling oil.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving it fried. What is it? Doesn’t matter. It’s fried.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? A carousel. But just barely. This thing was supercharged.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

A friend in the neighborhood is expecting her second child, so a few of us decided to throw her a little pampering party. (Because people are incredibly reluctant to agree to an actual baby shower for their second. What’s up with that? It’s not like we asked you to wear white pants before Memorial Day.) Manis, pedis, brunch and mimosas at a local salon … and the only gifts were diapers. Easy. We divided the food list up and it was done.

Last Saturday, I called the girls to make sure we had everything covered. Nam, who was handling cake and fruit salad, tells me she hasn’t really figured out the petit fours yet, but she’s on it. This was at 5 p.m. on Saturday for an 11 a.m. party on Sunday. I give her a little tough love and figure she will just get a cake at the grocery store and be done with it.

On Sunday morning, she shows up with these …

Of course we all ooh and ahh about how cute and fabulous they are. Come to find out, she MADE them. Not only that, she’s never made petit fours before, she just decided to try. Oh, and they were delicious. And the flowers? She made those too. Out of gum paste (whatever that is).

WTF? I guess next time I should just worry about my hash brown casserole and leave Nam alone. Not that I expect any less from her. She’s one of those Super Moms who has it all under control. Three children under 4 … no problem. Nurse twins? Handled it. Baby books? All done. (I’m still working on Anabella’s.) Completing her PhD. Uh huh.

Luckily, she’s really laid back and cusses like a sailor, so we can still be friends even when she shows up with professional-looking petit fours that she just threw together the night before.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving pastry envy.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? HOLY CRAP it’s an actual chair!

Things I’ve learned recently

1. Even numbered highways go east-west, while the odd ones go north-south.

2. This is a real animal … (I looked it up after one of your Silly Saturdays, NCS!)

3. There’s a little place to hang your gas cap, rather than just letting it dangle.

4. There’s a finger hole in the Saran Wrap box that keeps the roll from coming out.

5. There’s an arrow on a car’s gas gauge that tells you which side the tank is on.

Do you have some strange, obscure or unknown factoid? Comment! I want to know. (But don’t give me any crap about how you can’t believe I didn’t know the stuff above. I can’t be on top of everything, people!)

— The B.S. Cafe is currently serving a thirst for knowledge.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? A mini cash register.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

This is my 73rd “WTF? Wednesday” post … and amazingly, it’s the first one that is about me. Although I guess it would be kind of sad to be disgusted with your own ridiculousness more than once or twice a year.

So, here’s the story. In an effort to reduce expenses (and lessen frustration), I decided to switch our Internet and TV service to AT&T. They offer several ways to save money, including consolidating services. After taking stock of our current accounts, here is what I discovered … we have a sh*tload of phone numbers.

  1. The home phone
  2. Rhonda personal cell
  3. Dan personal cell
  4. Rhonda business cell
  5. Dan business cell
  6. Rhonda home office phone
  7. Dan home office phone
  8. Rhonda home office fax
  9. Dan home office fax

If you add my business office phone to the list, I have a total of 6 phone numbers and Dan has 5.

WTF is wrong with us? Why do we have so many phones? I can’t even tell you that last time one of us used the damn fax machine. Alexander Graham Bell is probably turning over in his grave.

And the really ridiculous part is that you can probably only reach me 50% of the time regardless of how many phones I have.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving … 867-5309.

P.S. The answer to your most burning question — “What’s Scarlett sitting on today?” — is …

What’s Scarlett sitting on today?

This is the new version of Where’s Waldo? at our house. What is Scarlett sitting in/on today?

A computer keyboard?

The breakfast table?

A bucket? (how very Anne Geddes of her!)

A basket?

Stay tuned … you never know where she will turn up. Leave a comment and tell me where you think Scarlett will sit next!

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving Blog Post #300. Hard to believe I’ve had that much to say over the past 2-1/2 years!

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

I really don’t know where to start… so many things have made me think “what the f*ck?!” this week.

1. From my personal life …. WTF is up with the manager at the Range Rover dealership acting like he didn’t receive any of the 5 messages Dan and I have left for him over the last three weeks? He blank-faced said “I don’t know what you are talking about.” Really? Are you sure? Cause the message had your name on it. Has there been some catastrophic mishap with your phone system?

2. The ending of The Bachelor. WTF WTF WTF? I really don’t know what I think, or if I even care, but I was shocked that Jason seemed like a nice, normal person … and he wound up being more of a train wreck than most of the others. And he dragged his 3-year-old son into the mud with him. That was BS.

3. Kami (a “dancer”) who left Rock of Love Bus 3 because she couldn’t handle Bret being with other women. WTF? Hello idiot girl, did you not watch the first two seasons? The whole point is for Bret to be with other girls…lots and lots of other girls. And I find it extra interesting that you think a rock star (that term is used loosely in this instance) is not going to ho around with a bunch of skanks when they are all thrown together on a bus.

4. Then there was this lady at lunch. You have to look really closely (as this was taken on the DL with my iPhone) to see that this woman is wearing zebra panties under these white pants. I promise it was VERY noticeable in person. WTF, lady? Who does that? This isn’t Rock of Love Bus … it’s friggin noon at Party City for f*ck’s sake!

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving crazy pills. (An extra one for you, Stasa.)

Take that evil, theiving Coke machine!

I’ve been in a major battle with the Coke machine since the day I started working here. It’s probably stolen $20 from me over the past eight months (the funny part is that it occasionally gives me money too. It’s a love/hate thing we have going), but because I would have to walk all the way to the other side of campus to get a refund from the cafeteria (a good 10-minute hike), I’d rather just complain about it. In January, I decided to start keeping track and recently posted a tally in a common area.

Today, a little homemade envelope showed up at the bottom of my tally.

Isn’t that nice? So far, I have collected 35 cents. Woohoo.

–The B.S. Cafe is currently serving Pepsi.

Monday Fun

The sky is falling at AIG again today, so I don’t have time to blog blog. However, here are a few things for your amusement.

Check out the Cakewrecks blog … it had me in tears last week. The “fan favorites” (in the sidebar) are the best. I especially loved Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockeys.

From the Rodeo Cookoff on Friday night (more on this later):

WTF? I don’t care if this is a rodeo, under no circumstances am I going into a door marked “heifer.” You can bite me, Mr. Porto-Sign-Maker.