Author Archives: Rhonda

There’s nothing wrong with being gay…

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…I just found this to be amusing. Mainly because there was a large stack of them in the entryway of a Mexican food restaurant not located in the gay area of Houston, which made me think that the distributors were at a loss as to what to do with them. It’s not like you list your sexual preferences on your rental agreement or home loan paperwork.

And why exactly do they need a gay yellow pages? There isn’t anything unusual in it (for the most part). Apparently homosexuals use all the same services as the heteros….accountants, lawyers, doctors, plumbers, gardeners, etc. The only main differences are that our WNBA basketball team is on the front, rather than the Rockets (are they implying those ladies are gay?), and there are listings for gay festivals and associations in the back.

Thoughts?

Happy St. Patty’s Day

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Today is my husband’s favorite holiday, which means I will be chauffeuring him to a St. Patrick’s Day party so he can get trashed. He used to start at 7:00 a.m., but as we have gotten older, the people willing to get up that early to start drinking has diminished significantly. So, wish Dan good luck in his yearly goal of drinking everyone else under the table. And send good thoughts out to me…sometimes I find myself wanting to strangle all the drunks when I am the designated driver…including my own husband.

Have a great St. Patty’s Day! Drink some green beer and watch the NCAA tournament. (Thank you, St. Patrick for letting Ohio State pull it out of their asses…otherwise my grid would have been totally fried!)

Here’s a kiss for all you Irish out there.

WTFness Everywhere!

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So much WTF going on today…I’m having a hard time deciding where to start.

First, WTF Chiquita? You didn’t tell me that my banana money was going to terrorists. I guess we are going to go apples and oranges around here for awhile.

Second, WTF WTF WTF U.S. Postal Service. Notice the postmark on this piece of mail, which I received TODAY. Feel free to take 2 months to deliver the numerous unwanted catalogs I receive every week, but please get the checks here at little sooner, A-holes. What is even more ridiculous is that this envelope was mailed from 20 miles away. And you guys want another rate hike? SHAH!


Next, there are the idiots who mailed body parts all over the U.S. How would you like to open a box that contains a head in bubble wrap? WTF? How do you manage to screw up that big?

Then there is Virgie Arthur. The mom…so loving, so concerned…so desperate to have her daughter buried near her. So what does she do at Anna Nicole’s funeral? Walks on her grave. I am no expert, but I am pretty sure that is wicked disrespectful. WTF Virgie? That behavior makes you seem just a little insincere.

Finally, Al Gore. I’m so confused, Al. The NY Times claims that you have greatly exaggerated your claims in An Inconvenient Truth. First I find out you didn’t invent the Internet, and now this? WTF Al?

It’s Rodeo Time, Y’all

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Thought all you non-Texans might like a little taste of what I like to call the “ROW-DEH–OOOOO.” (Or Rodeo, to those Texans who take it seriously) In case you didn’t know, Houston has the largest Row-deh–oooo in the world…and it lasts almost a month, which makes getting around on my side of town quite hellish. Enjoy.

These 6′ tall boots are all around the rodeo complex, painted in different themes.


This is my daughter in a petting zoo, checking out a very large, and totally indifferent, pig.


The pig races. Need I say more?

At the “show” in Reliant Stadium.

Ok, this isn’t at the rodeo (it’s at my favorite BBQ joint), but it’s too Texas-y not to include.

“What the F*ck” Wednesday? — Nancy Grace…Satan’s Spawn?

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I guess you can probably tell from the title that I cannot stand Nancy Grace. Not since Kathy Lee Gifford have I found myself despising a TV personality this way. She is a self indulgent, judgmental egomaniac. But I am sure she is really nice in person.
Every time I cruise by CNN and see her on, I stop to see what stupid comments are coming out of her mouth. She is another one of those wanna-be-hard-hitting journalists who takes speculation or rumors, and presents them as facts…until she finds out otherwise, then she is outraged and wants to know who spreads these horrible lies. She also gives airtime to just about any yahoo, which drives me absolutely crazy.

So, WTF CNN? Aren’t Larry King and Glenn Beck enough crazy for one network? At least those two are entertaining, and I don’t cringe or throw-up a little when I hear their voices.

Finally!

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Now this is a made-up holiday that I can support.

I say we all sleep as much as possible this week. Screw work, cleaning the house or doing anything productive. It’s sleep week, people! Woohoo!

Oh Happy Saturday

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I was exceptionally happy today and here is why…

1. ) Anna Nicole Smith is finally buried. I know it won’t be the end of all the media craziness, but it’s nice that she has finally had a funeral. Who knows what really went on between her and her mother, but personally I find her mom to be selfish and kind of crazy. If you buy yourself a grave plot, it’s pretty clear that is where you want to be buried. And what kind of mother would leave her child in a morgue for three weeks while she fights to bury Anna Nicole someplace she didn’t even want to live? I love Texas, but Mexia is a shit hole, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be buried there. Heck, I would take the Bahamas as my final resting place over Texas any day of the week.

2.) My self-cleaning oven…what an incredible invention! I guess it gets as hot as a crematorium in that thing, because it was covered in goo and crusted stuff….then voila! Just a few ashy stains remained, which I wiped off with a paper towel, and it looked brand new. I am in total amazement. Oh how happy it makes me when I don’t have to clean something myself.

3.) Spring in Texas. Today was frickin‘ gorgeous! A nice wind, clear skies and 70 degrees. I sat outside and watched the ducks on the lake, read a book, and got a little sun. We only have about 10 days a year when you can actually sit outside for more than 15 minutes, so it was a day to be treasured.

Clearly, I am very easy to please.

Oscar Extravaganza

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Last Sunday was my 5th annual Oscar Extravaganza. I rolled out the red carpet for 12 of my fabulous friends, who came over for food, wine, swag bags, and the opportunity to win the coveted Golden Biatch Award.

I love the Oscars. It’s fun to try to see as many of the movies as possible (although it didn’t help me pick the winners) beforehand, but my favorite part is the acceptance speeches…or, the GOOD acceptance speeches. (Forest Whitaker did a great job, but he was the only standout this year.)

Having Ellen D. as the host was an added bonus. She was so funny! And thank goodness, because otherwise this year’s show was sooooooo long, and kind of boring. Anyway, here’s a few photos, including the GB in her new home (until next year).

The girls walking the red carpet…

Party shots

I know it’s hard to believe, but I made her myself. She got a dress this year, and those are empty wine bottles around her feet. Looks like Bunny found an appropriate place for her…on a throne.

February 27 — The day I found out that I’m not as cute as I used to be

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Not only did I get a speeding ticket today, but I couldn’t even get my mojo in gear to try to B.S. or flirt my way out of it. In fact, the cop didn’t even get off his cell phone (grrrr!) while writing my ticket. Granted I was in workout clothes, hair in a ponytail, and looking very mommyish….but don’t you at least want to give me a chance, Officer?

If I didn’t have such a sweet history of getting out of traffic trouble, I guess I wouldn’t be so bummed. (I don’t have exact numbers, but I would say I am probably 70-30, in my favor of course.)

My first, and by far most important, escape from trouble was in 1985. I was only 15, and didn’t even have a driving permit, but that didn’t stop me from “borrowing” my uncle’s car and going for a joy ride. The joy ended when I slammed into the back of a brand new Dodge Daytona (it still had paper tags). My uncle’s Trans Am was a mess (remember how they had those headlights that went up and down? Well one wouldn’t stop going up and down….even when I turned off the car.) and I seriously injured my knee, but somehow I managed to talk my way out of even turning over my non-existent driver’s license. I am guessing the cops didn’t give a crap about two teenagers getting in a fender bender, but I definitely saved myself a lot of legal problems. (Although, the world probably would have been a lot safer if I had been busted that night, because I was the proud recipient of SIX speeding tickets between the ages of 16 and 18. Proof that teenagers should not be allowed to drive alone!)

After I turned 18 (and was no longer jail-bait), I walked away ticket-free at least 2 out of every 3 times I was pulled over. And yes, I was pulled over a lot. I like speed. Sometimes I would flirt and sometimes I would have an excuse that worked…late for work with a mean boss, grandparent in hospital, female problems (which can get you out of more than just tickets, ladies), friend in trouble, etc.

Once, the officer let me go because I was jammin‘ to Barry White and he was a big fan too. The last time I was pulled over, about 3 years ago, the cop was so in love with my car that he just asked me questions about it and then let me go (after he sat behind the wheel, of course).

So, these past few years, I have been a much safer driver, mainly because I have important cargo now. He only “clocked” me doing 77 when my speedometer registered 83, so I guess I should be thankful for that.

And don’t worry, the kiddo wasn’t in the car….it was AC/DC that made me speed. Damn that “Thunderstruck.”