OMAR EDITION
WTF, Omar? Why haven’t you posted since May 28? I know my birthday was pretty exciting for everyone, but even I posted within a week of the big day.
Please don’t make me take further action.
“What the f*ck?” Wednesday
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Author Archives: Rhonda
What will cause Rhonda to drink heavily this week?
Here’s the lowdown on the warfare against me over the past few days.
- Crohn’s in full flare-up. Spent most of the weekend in bed.
- Waiting for layoffs at work … which feels like waiting for the Grim Reaper to arrive.
- Deuce, curled up on my chest sleeping, looks up and takes a bite out of my NECK. The really sensitive part of my neck half way between my chin and collar bone. A-hole.
- Anabella is pushing all of my buttons at every opportunity. Telling me “no” and being quite the PITA.
- Scarlett runs up behind me, hugs my leg … and then BITES me on the ass. Hard. Then laughs.
- Deuce knocks my bedside lamp onto my head in the middle of the night, almost giving me a complete heart attack.
- Scarlett continues to manhandle Deuce and requires constant supervision. But now she runs, with Deuce still in her grips, if I reprimand her.
- Put Deuce in my bedroom for a few minutes to give Scarlett a “time out.” He crawls into my bra/panty drawer and PEES.
- Did I mention Dan is out of town?
“What the f*ck?” Wednesday
I’m headed to work this morning, listening to a local R&B station, and the Sean John song “Get Busy” comes on. I’ve heard it before, but I can’t say that I’ve really listened to the lyrics … and not 15 seconds in, I swear I hear my daughter’s name. OMFG … he did not just say “Anabella” I thought. So I listen … and wait … and I hear it again. OMFG.
As soon as I get to work I google the song lyrics and sure enough … Anabella. Telling her to shake her thing. Get jiggy. Get it on. WTF? Anabella isn’t exactly a super-common name. How did that happen?
Here’s a snippit …
Shake that thing miss kana kana
Shake that thing miss annabella
Shake that thing yan donna donna
Jodi and rebecca
Woman get busy, just shake that booty non-stop
When the beat drops
Just keep swinging it
Get jiggy
Get crunked up
Percolate anything you want to call it
Oscillate you hip and don’t take pity
Me want fi see you get live ‘pon the riddim when me ride
And me lyrics a provide electricity
Gal nobody can tell you nuttin’
Can you done know your destiny
Yo sexy ladies want par with us
Shake that thing yan donna donna
Jodi and rebecca
Woman get busy, just shake that booty non-stop
When the beat drops
Just keep swinging it
Get jiggy
Get crunked up
Percolate anything you want to call it
Oscillate you hip and don’t take pity
Me want fi see you get live ‘pon the riddim when me ride
And me lyrics a provide electricity
Gal nobody can tell you nuttin’
Can you done know your destiny
Yo sexy ladies want par with us
Please consider this an open letter to the music community … I beg you to write a nice love song/top-40 teeny bopper hit/musak tune using my daughter’s name. I can not tell you how annoyed I get when a middle-aged man sings “Help Me, Rhonda,” but at least that song doesn’t tell me to shake my ass and get “crunked” up.
Why oh why did I not name my child Beth or Mandy or Caroline or Janie or Roxanne …
Kitty!
We have a new family member! He’s an absolute sweetheart, but he’s also a kick ass ninja kitty who put both dogs in line within 24 hours. Apparently he also has no nerve endings, because he’s been brutalized by Scarlett and has yet to bite or scratch her. He’s a keeper.
We’ve been running through names, but are having a hard time deciding on something. So take the poll below … I’m giving the power to the people!
I tend to lean toward people names for animals, but we have a three year old participating in the process. See if you can tell which two suggestions are Anabella’s.
Things I’ve learned recently – Jury Duty Edition
A big thanks to the powers that be for not picking me to serve on the jury. It was a child-molestation case, which is probably the last kind of trial I would chose to sit on. (It was hellish enough just listening to the charges and staring at the defendant all day.) But, as with everything else, I was able to find the humor in the situation. So here is what I learned from my day at jury duty.
1. A grand jury will indict a ham sandwich. Or so said the defense attorney. I had no idea that ham sandwiches were so dangerous, but maybe it goes back to the Cass Elliott/ham sandwich rumors.
2. People actually want to serve jury duty. When asked who wanted to be there, 22 people (out of 100), raised their hands. Most were young (early 20s) and several said it would be “cool” or “fun” to be included in the process. Others wanted to serve because their employers would pay them if they were picked. I don’t know where those people work, but it must be someplace awful. I work at AIG and I didn’t want to be there.
3. Judges want to talk to “normal” people. Our judge stopped the proceedings to find out if someone in the jury pool was maybe related to him because they shared his mother’s maiden name. This is also probably because I was in Podunk, Texas, for jury duty. (I live about 50 steps outside of the county that encompasses most of the Houston area.) I know that for sure because the guy sitting in front of me was the D.A.’s neighbor and several people knew the defense attorney because he had worked for their family or friends.
4. Old people don’t know what iPhones are. One of the many suggestions given to me for getting out of jury duty was using my iPhone during the proceedings. I checked email, sent text messages, took a picture of my juror number, and even Yammered with my coworkers, but the baliff (who was sitting one chair down from me) never said a word.
5. Human Resources professionals are better equipped to judge people. Yes, one lady actually claimed to be better suited for jury duty than EVERYONE else in the room because she was in HR. Whatever.
… and my favorite …
6. Children under the age of 8 don’t lie. I know, I can barely write that without laughing, but one man argued that point for 10 long minutes. I wanted to stand up and say “Dude, I have a three year old who lies every day about having poop in her pull-up!”
— The B.S. Cafe is now (NOT) serving its civic duty.
Help!
Sitting in jury duty … Mr. Instructions thinks he is a comedian. Wish I could stab myself in the eye and get out but they wouldn’t let us bring in knives. Too bad I didn’t wear shorts. Two people have already been dismissed for that.
“What the F*ck?” Wednesday
A**hole of the Month Update
I’ve been reading a lot about Michael Vick lately (the only recipient of The B.S. Cafe’s “A**hole of the month” award) … he’s out of jail, wants back into the NFL, blah blah blah. I really don’t care if he goes back to playing football. He did his time and quite frankly, there are probably lots of felons playing professional sports these days, but as an animal lover, I almost lost my sh*t when I saw that the Humane Society is considering Vick as a spokesperson for animal cruelty. http://hsus.typepad.com/wayne/2009/05/michael-vick.html
O.M.G. WTF? He probably regrets what he did … maybe for real or maybe for what it cost him … but I have serious doubts that in the depths of his soul he believes what he did was wrong. (If he didn’t know that drowning, torturing, electrocuting and beating dogs was wrong two years ago, he probably doesn’t get it now.) And I would laugh out loud if you put him in front of me to lecture on animal rights. Or maybe I would just punch you in the face for thinking I would fall for that.
Boulder Warfare
Has anyone else noticed the trend of putting large rocks on corners? Here are a few examples around my neighborhood:
This bothers me for three reasons:
1. What are you trying to protect? The grass? The curb? I’m confused.
2. If for some reason you had to drive up onto the curb to avoid an accident, or a pedestrian, or a small animal, or a person carrying a rock, you would hit that thing and totally FUBAR your car. Not even our Hummer would make it unscathed.
3. The fun in owning a SUV is being able to drive up on curbs, roll over medians, etc. Thanks for killing the joy.
— The B.S. Cafe is currently serving a strong desire to run something over.
Hey Shorty, it’s my birthday! (Updated!)
I’m all grown up now, but you can tell this is me by the red hair and the “WTF?” look on my face. Apparently some things never change.
This has been a pretty decent day. Not the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER, but I am keeping a pro/con list and so far the pros are winning. (I’ll update this as the day goes on.)
PROS
1. 11 phone calls, five text messages, several in-person well wishes, four emails and four e-cards so far (including one from Omar!)
2. Treated to lunch by KB – free pizza from CPK, because they goofed and put basil on mine
3. Complimented by strangers on my car, my blouse and my purse today
4. Cake – twice! (Thank you Agustin for the Crave cupcakes!)
5. Been shot at by confetti guns four times and haven’t died from the shock
6. I share my birthday with NCS (who is also 39 today), my aunt Cynthia, my sister-in-law Stephanie, Matt D., and my sweet little friend LTR, who turned 12
7. The celebration continues until Saturday (margaritas and Mexican food with close friends)
CONS
1. Checked mail for birthday cards – found jury summons instead
2. 364 days until 40
3. Sick from so much cake this week
(Agustin was also responsible for the confetti guns, but luckily he provided directions.)
Spiraling
I made the rounds to some of my favorite blogs at lunch and there seems to be a common theme these days … the economy, bad times and general blah-ness.
And it’s much of the same going on here, which is why I haven’t been blogging. I haven’t enjoyed much free time (Dan has been traveling a lot), and it’s all been doom and gloom lately, so I didn’t want to bring you all down. Work life (still at AIG) a total mess? Check. Personal life (big demands, little resources) taking a toll? Check. Family drama and turmoil (my poor dad is sleeping on my couch … don’t ask)? Check. Turning almost 40 this week? Check. Want to run away? Check.
I am still a “half-full” girl, but lately I’ve needed some help staying there. While driving in the car this weekend, Anabella was noticing all the wild flowers … naming off the colors … and then she stops and says “Mommy, those flowers are for you. ALL the flowers are for you.” Of course that got me all teary-eyed. How sweet! What a precious little girl. I spent the rest of the afternoon in one of those “I should appreciate the things I have” moods.
Not five hours later, I am changing into sleep clothes and Anabella laughs and points to the back of my leg. “That’s bumpy!”
Anabella giveth, Anabella taketh away.
— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a little reality to a certain three-year-old girl. That’s cellulite, Anabella, and you will know all about it in approximately 20 years.
A: Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and the Gay Redneck
Q: What are three things that don’t exist?
Here is photographic evidence to the contrary. This man had several interesting additions to his macked-out Dooley pick-up. I’ve pointed out the best below.
Disclaimer: I have no issues with being gay or a Redneck. It’s just not a combo I have ever seen in my 38 years living in Texas.