Author Archives: Rhonda

That Girl Needs to Learn How to Cook!

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So we had some real excitement at my office this past week. It started around 5 p.m. when the smell of burnt popcorn filled the air … really filled the air. Less than a minute later, the fire alarm goes off and the loud and unintelligible voice of security comes over the intercom and tells us to “go to the stairs … blah blah blah … evacuate.”

While we all pondered whether or not to actually leave, our department head comes by and says something about setting a bag of popcorn on fire. HA! No way! Now we are all very amused and not the least bit worried about dying in a high-rise blaze. (Granted it’s time to go home, but the elevators have been shut down and we are on the 35th floor.)

Apparently someone did call security to let them know what happened, but that didn’t stop them from sending 17 (SEVENTEEN!) emergency vehicles to our building. (Although, you can only see 11 in this photo … sorry for the sucky quality, but that’s the best my iPhone could do from the window, at sundown.)


This is the person responsible (our boss), hiding in her office in shame.


5:35 pm – The firemen arrive on our floor. So thank goodness it wasn’t a real fire, or we all would have been toast. I counted seven of them, but there may have been more. I was trying to be inconspicuous with the photo taking.

And here is the culprit. I wonder how much this bag of popcorn really cost in the end?


The biggest lesson learned was … I am way too lazy to walk down 35 flights of stairs. And that popcorn only takes about 2 minutes to cook in our office.

P.S. The title comes from a coworker who called up to make sure we were all okay.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving popcorn … well done.

Why Mommy Drinks

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Just pretending to be 3 years old
Over the weekend, my angry chick went missing. I knew Anabella was the culprit because I have had to tell her several times not to play with it. (“Art” and “breakable” don’t mean much to a 3 year old.)


Me: Anabella, where is mommy’s bird?

Anabella: Birds are outside. (runs to window) Nope, no birds outside right now, mommy.

Me: Where is the bird that mommy has on the desk in her office? The one you were playing with yesterday?

Anabella: Bird?

Me: Yes. Let’s go look. (walk into my office and point to where Angry Chick used to be)

Anabella: Bird is gone. (runs to office window) Nope, bird isn’t out there mommy.

Me: Anabella, did you move mommy’s bird?

Anabella: What bird?

Me: Anabella, the kitty misses her friend.

Anabella: (Very serious look on her face) Really?

Me: Yes, the kitty is very sad.

Anabella: Oh. (thinks about it for a minute.) I broke the bird. He’s in that box. (pointing under desk) Sorry, mommy. (leaves the room)

Sure enough, angry chick was thrown in a box … her gun barrel broken off. So apparently my sweet little girl was taking me on a silly, wild chicken chase, all the while knowing exactly what I was talking about. When did she get so smart … and devious?

Coolest Car Ever
Okay, maybe not the coolest car ever, but look at what my car did the other day when I was dangerously close to running out of gas.

It took the initiative to find me 20 gas stations within the range of the amount of gas I had left. The only way it could be any cooler is if it said something like “Hey, dumba** … you will be walking in about five minutes if you don’t get some gas.”

Secret Santa
I convinced my coworkers to participate in a Secret Santa exchange this week. Look what I got today …

It’s an old-school slinky … no plastic, child-safe crap going on here. It’s better than a stress ball, which is why I’ve been playing with it all day. No sense being productive on a Monday, right?


— The B.S. Cafe is now serving lead-based toys.

Double Turkey

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Dan and I managed to squeeze in a date night over the Thanksgiving weekend. We decided on dinner and Dave & Buster’s … Dan likes to pretend shoot things, and I enjoy any game that gives me tickets so I can “buy” worthless crap like this incredibly cool, farting finger pen. (Don’t worry, I always get Anabella something while we are there … this time it was a Dora wallet and a wind-up penguin who does back flips.)

Trivia is one of my favorites, but I also like Tower of Power …. BA DA DUM! (that’s the noise it makes.) My friend Rakel and I totally rock ToP. (We hit the jackpot six times between the two of us last time we went on a double date to D&B.)

But the coolest D&B news was from the bowling alley, where Dan THE MAN busted out SIX strikes in a row. And this was after 1.) I had given up on bowling for the night, and 2.) He’d had about five beers. Everyone was MUY impressed … high-fiving him and making comments on what a cool dude he was.

So here’s to my honey and his double turkey. Fame and Glory not only at D&B, but also in the blog community.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving poultry.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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OMG, are you f*cking serious? There is a typo embedded into the technology of my new car!!!! WTF???

I will now be forced to look at this every time I make a phone call. Clearly Land Rover has no understanding of what this will do to me. And don’t tell me it’s because you’re British or some stupid sh*t … you are owned by Ford now.

Fix it, Land Rover … FIX IT!

**************************

Now for a funny, and non-Rhonda-traumatizing WTF…

… someone has way too much time on their hands. (The title of this email was “why men should not be allowed to play with action figures.”)

WTF? Quit playing with dead animals, dudes.


— The B.S. Cafe is now serving roadkill.

I am so F*cking OVER you …

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I have banked with many different institutions in my life and I can honestly say that Wells Fargo is the worst. Beyond the worst … it’s the devil. Maybe the bank isn’t the devil, but the devil definitely works there … and he is my account manager.

I won’t go into a long, drawn out story about all the bad thing Wells Fargo has done to me … but here are a few highlights.

1. Opened a savings account in my name WITHOUT my permission, then started automatically deducting money from my checking to put into said savings account every month. Then, didn’t pay me interest because I hadn’t signed the IRS form (maybe because I didn’t ask you to open a savings account for me, a**holes?).

2. Told me there would be a 10-day hold on a large cashier’s check and sent me a letter telling me the same. After 12 days, several charges bounce, because they decide to put an additional hold on said check without informing me (I guess Chase Bank is not a reputable source according to WF.). On top of that, they paid themselves (my car payment) first (putting my account in the negative) and then bounced several smaller charges on the same day, which would have gone through had the car payment not, and charged me $35 a pop for each.

3. After depositing CASH, at lunchtime, I find out they didn’t credit it immediately. Who doesn’t credit CASH on the same day if you make it in before close of business? Argh.

So the latest fiasco involved me buying a new car and riding myself of the Range Rover and Wells Fargo all in one swoop. (I have been counting the days!) I called them up, got the payoff information, filled out their little form to stop automatic withdraw of the payment from my account, sent it back and did a little dance. The end? NO.

Several days later they decide to go ahead and take out the payment, even though they probably have the payoff check in their satanic little hands, which of course overdrafted the account … because it has no money in it since I intend to close it ASAP. So now, even though they have an extra car payment in their possession, they have been psycho calling me all weekend because my account is in overdraft.

Only the devil would pay himself a car payment on a car that has been PAID OFF from an account that has no money in it.

Zoo Day goes Rated X

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On Sunday, we had incredibly gorgeous weather, so we decided to take the girls to the zoo. I was a little hesitant because a baby elephant died last week and Anabella always looks forward to seeing him. Luckily, three-year olds are easily distracted by leaves or pigeons or whatever, so we didn’t have to deal with the death issue this trip.


All of the animals were out enjoying the cool weather. I even managed to get most of them to look right at me for a photo.


Does anyone else watch Meercat Manor? We love that show and our zoo has a really cool Meercat exhibit.

The big cats are usually hiding mid-day, but they were all out lounging around on Sunday. Look at the paws on this big boy.

Only in Texas would you find an armadillo on the carousel. And look at Anabella’s face … she cracks me up.

Oh, and just so you know. Sunday is Leather-Pants-For-Dads Day at the zoo. WTF?


Okay, here is the real zoo scoop. This is a very bad monkey.

I could skip the monkeys all-together, but Anabella loves them (probably something about sharing a love of playing with poo). Anyway, this monkey was acting all freaky, so I ask Dan “what is he doing?” Within seconds it became VERY clear what he was doing, so we steered Anabella in the other direction.

As we get to the other side of the cage Mr. Spank lives in, there he is again, plopped down in front of the crowd. Before I could even ask if it was the same monkey, Dan, Anabella and Scarlett were off to the next exhibit. I decide to take this picture (so I could blog about him) and before I get my eye away from the lens, Mr. Spank starts up again … and “finishes” his business. That’s right, I got a telephoto view of the whole event.

And really, this is all my friend Halle’s fault. Just last Friday she was telling me that she and her husband were reading my blog and she couldn’t think of anything worse than getting blue poo water on yourself.
Well, guess what? Watching a monkey enjoy a happy ending is worse than blue poo water. I can’t even believe I am saying that, but seriously people, I was very disturbed and now have that burned in my mind forever.
BAD MONKEY.