Category Archives: kids

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday – Quit growing up already!

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I know people warned me … I should have been prepared, but I feel as though my babies have morphed into little people in the blink of an eye. Anabella is acting like a big sister all the time, and asking real people questions like “How was work today, mommy?” Scarlett is climbing into and sitting in chairs … unassisted. WTF? When did all this happen?


Seriously, just last week Anabella wasn’t doing anything but scribbling with crayons. Now she is making faces … faces with expressions and the correct amount of eyes and everything.

The picture below is me. WTF? I know I could stand to lose some pounds around the middle — and possibly get a tan — but do I really look like a big egg with chicken legs and red hair?


Now this picture of Dan seems right on target. Menacing look … check. Green like the Incredible Hulk … check. Horns … check. Just put some arms and legs on him, and it’s practically a photo.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving unflattering caricatures.

Enjoy the Ride

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She’s at it again.

Anabella got her little hands on a very large tube of toothpaste and went to town … the carpet, the mirrors, the bathroom floor, the side of my bed, the bathroom scale … nothing was safe. We’re not even sure when she had time to do it.

So as one of my new year’s resolutions, I am choosing to view these incidents in a new way. Instead of cussing, wishing she would get past this phase quickly, and being pissed because I have no clue how to get toothpaste out of carpet, I’m going to think “Wow! She sure is creative.” or “I’m glad Anabella enjoys finding new ways to express herself.”

I’m going to laugh and enjoy the ride.

And I’m going to remind myself that the Toothpaste Ride is a LOT more fun than the Poop Ride.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving minty-fresh breath.

Why Mommy Drinks

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Just pretending to be 3 years old
Over the weekend, my angry chick went missing. I knew Anabella was the culprit because I have had to tell her several times not to play with it. (“Art” and “breakable” don’t mean much to a 3 year old.)


Me: Anabella, where is mommy’s bird?

Anabella: Birds are outside. (runs to window) Nope, no birds outside right now, mommy.

Me: Where is the bird that mommy has on the desk in her office? The one you were playing with yesterday?

Anabella: Bird?

Me: Yes. Let’s go look. (walk into my office and point to where Angry Chick used to be)

Anabella: Bird is gone. (runs to office window) Nope, bird isn’t out there mommy.

Me: Anabella, did you move mommy’s bird?

Anabella: What bird?

Me: Anabella, the kitty misses her friend.

Anabella: (Very serious look on her face) Really?

Me: Yes, the kitty is very sad.

Anabella: Oh. (thinks about it for a minute.) I broke the bird. He’s in that box. (pointing under desk) Sorry, mommy. (leaves the room)

Sure enough, angry chick was thrown in a box … her gun barrel broken off. So apparently my sweet little girl was taking me on a silly, wild chicken chase, all the while knowing exactly what I was talking about. When did she get so smart … and devious?

Coolest Car Ever
Okay, maybe not the coolest car ever, but look at what my car did the other day when I was dangerously close to running out of gas.

It took the initiative to find me 20 gas stations within the range of the amount of gas I had left. The only way it could be any cooler is if it said something like “Hey, dumba** … you will be walking in about five minutes if you don’t get some gas.”

Secret Santa
I convinced my coworkers to participate in a Secret Santa exchange this week. Look what I got today …

It’s an old-school slinky … no plastic, child-safe crap going on here. It’s better than a stress ball, which is why I’ve been playing with it all day. No sense being productive on a Monday, right?


— The B.S. Cafe is now serving lead-based toys.

Will the POOP ever stop?

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I walked into my bedroom Friday night to find this pillow on the floor. (Don’t worry, I don’t have exercise mats on the floor in my room … this was taken at the pillow’s new home … the garage.)

From the distance, I was like “Hmmm, what’s that pillow doing in here? And what is on it? That couldn’t be … no … that isn’t … SH*T!!!!”

So of course I scream for Dan, because this clearly happened on his watch.

Dan: That’s definitely Frankie. Frankie sh*t all over that thing.

Me: So you are saying you think Frankie balanced on this ball while doing his business. Or you think he moved around so he could crap on various different spots on it?

Dan: I don’t know! That’s definitely dog sh*t.

Upon further investigation, we noticed spots on the carpet where poop had previously resided. And then it became crystal clear what happened.

Me: Anabella, did Frankie poop?

Anabella: Yes, in your bedroom. I cleaned it up.

Me: (in my head) OMG, are you serious? You used a silk, Marge Carson pillow to roll up dog sh*t off the floor? WTF??

Me: (out loud) That was really nice of you to help clean up, Anabella. Next time, tell mommy or daddy and let’s use a paper towel, okay?

Anabella: (big, sweet smile) Okay, mommy.

Clearly, the poop is never going to stop. Ever since Anabella arrived, it has been a constant in my life … kind of like sunrises, Pinot Grigio and cussing.

And if you are wondering why I still have the Poop Pillow, it’s because my irrational mind is not totally convinced yet that it can’t be cleaned.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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Scarlett came home from school today with this hairdo, if you can even call it that.

WTF? My adorable baby doesn’t need a weird, Alfalfa ponytail. Look at her face. Does she look like she is enjoying this?

Now, the do that resulted from removing the ponytail was actually quite amusing.


Photo Op Weekend

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Just a few photos from our Halloween weekend. This is the first time Anabella understood what trick-or-treating means (“they are going to give me candy?!”), so she was really pumped. Scarlett went as a little witch. Couldn’t keep the hat on her, but she looked pretty cute anyway.

Anabella wanted to be a pirate … of course she had her “Arrrrrrr!” down perfectly, and she was the World’s Most Polite Trick-or-Treater ever, yelling “Thank YOU! Happy Halloween!” as she left every house.

Here is Winston in his pirate outfit. That’s Chloe, our neighbor’s daughter, who wanted to share her candy … apparently Winston looked like he needed a tootsie roll. When I mentioned he could barely fit into his costume, she decided to keep it for herself.

Saturday morning, we woke up to find a giant pile of itty bitty pieces of tin foil on the dining room table. I totally flipped out, thinking that Anabella had eaten 50 pieces of chocolate before 8:00 a.m., but then she showed me this.


I guess she just liked unwrapping them. Whew.

And here is a picture of Anabella at a princess birthday tea party on Saturday morning. She wanted to take the outfit off as soon as we got in the car.

And she was completely OVER it after 15 minutes and 3 cups of “tea.” I have to admit … I love that she isn’t a super girly-girl. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just that I’m not a bows/bedazzled/glittery kind of girl either.

Anabella was completely disinterested in Cinderella, who had the full attention of all the other princesses, and spent about 20 minutes sitting in a chair, holding a fork, and staring down the cake.


That’s my girl!

Happy (belated) Birthday, Scarlett!

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Hurricane Ike did more than chase us out of our home and muck up our roof. It also caused the postponement of a celebration for Scarlett’s First Birthday.

But we were finally able to celebrate last weekend with family and close friends. Brunch, mimosas and cake…it doesn’t get better than that.

Woke up from a nap by daddy, but still ready to party.
(That’s my mom holding her.)

Baby’s first bite of icing.

Anabella supervises…and immediately demands her own cake and gifts.

Milk to wash it all down with.

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Dearest Baby Scarlett,

I cannot tell you how much joy you bring to my life. Always smiling, always giggling…you light up every day. I love how laid back you are…nothing really seems to bother you. (How wonderful THAT must feel!) I love that you are an exceptional eater…and that you love to sleep (thank you for still being a two-naps-a-day girl)…and that you are finally on the Family Sleep-in Schedule. (No more 7:00 a.m. for us.)

I love your demeanor…always sweet and gentle…and your cute little belly laugh makes me forget all my worries. And most especially, I love that you are your own mischievous little person. The hair puller, the screamer (although I could do with a little less of that), the dog chaser, and the kid who runs to get out of the gate and up the stairs before we even realize we left it open. Always stealing Anabella’s sippy cups…always sticking your fingers in places they shouldn’t be…always waiting for the opportunity to wreak havoc in the laundry room or the pantry.

There’s never a dull moment…and I couldn’t be more thankful.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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I was playing with sweet little Scarlett’s toes and noticed what looked like a small cut on the bottom of her foot. Upon closer inspection, it looked like a splinter…but then I realized it was a HAIR. A hair, but a splinter! A hair splinter? WTF??

Of course, Dan thought I was out of my mind, so I did an Internet search and found a few websites that mentioned such a thing….apparently hair stylists and dog groomers occasionally have this bizarre experience too.

So, I got out the tweezers and after a few minutes, I had the damn thing out. It was one of our bulldog’s hairs. Can you frickin’ believe that?

I know it’s blurry, but that red line on her foot is where a hair was embedded. ICK!

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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Has anyone figured out WTF goes on in the mind of a three year old? The two’s were pretty crazy…with the new baby and lots of temper tantrums and such…but as we approach three, I find that I am completely baffled by Anabella about 50% of the time.

Every day is a new slate when it comes to how things in Anabella’s world should work. Did it work great yesterday? Tough sh*t. We are doing it completely different today.

For instance, Anabella is usually perfectly content to have her apples cut up. Today? NO. NO MOMMY! She wants the whole apple and there will be hell to pay if I get near it with a cutting utensil. Fine, so I hand her the apple.

About 10 minutes later, she declares she is done.

WTF? Not only did you not eat the apple, you mauled it to the point that no one else is going to eat the rest of it.

McIdiots
I would also like to know WTF is up with this? Based on my calculations, depending on how many nuggets you buy, the ratio of nugget to sauce fluctuates wildly and with no mathematical reasoning applied. Seems like a pretty random “policy” to me. If I buy two 10-piece meals instead of 1 20-piece and return that extra sauce that you think I don’t need, will you give me 10 cents (plus tax) back? Idiots.