Category Archives: Me

Cross that one off the bucket list

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Did you miss me? I can’t believe it has been a month since I posted. What a loser! Life kind of jumped in and kicked my butt these last few weeks, but that won’t happen again. Here’s a quick recap:

  • Promotion at work (celebrated for two days)
  • Third annual trip to Lake Austin Spa with my BFF from high school (also bought ridiculously expensive purse at Gucci outlet to celebrate promotion – traumatized self for a week)
  • Rock Band slumber party with closest friends. Partied til 4 a.m.
  • Fell deathly ill with a flu/strep throat/sinusitis combo the next day (SuperBowl Sunday – missed the party!) and had to stay quarantined in my bedroom for NINE LONG DAYS (so the hubby and kiddos wouldn’t get sick)
  • Tried to play catch up at work and home for three days
  • Went to the Mom 2.0 Summit last Friday and Saturday – had a blast!

So the Mom 2.0 Summit was incredibly inspiring and thought-provoking and just plain fun. Meeting women who are so talented and successful and doing things on their own terms (and putting faces with blogs that I have been reading for years — even Dooce was there!) reminded me why I started this blog in the first place (almost five years ago!).

And one of the major highlights was — riding in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile! I rode “shotbun” around downtown Houston, waving at people and acting like a rock star. If you ever get the opportunity, I suggest you take it. Nothing puts a smile on your face like riding in a wiener.

I convinced Amanda (PR maven and new partner in crime) to go along for the ride!

I’ve been cheating on you, Blogger.

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A lot has changed for me at work recently, including the addition of social media into my job function. Of course, I am totally psyched about that, but it also means I have been spending lots of my free time doing stuff besides blogging. Reading up on social media, taking webinars, going to conferences, tweeting, visiting fan pages, etc. Last month I attended a conference at the Houston Zoo and sat next to the guy who created this at lunch:


Remember this quiz we all took back in August? Matthew Inman, the man behind the awesomeness, gave me the back story. Apparently, he created the quiz for a client that sold sex toys. When the client saw the quiz, they thought it was “inappropriate.” LOL! Ummm, okay. Anyway, he was a really interesting guy … smart and YOUNG, so I was inspired. Too bad I can’t draw or code … I would totally rock at creating quizzes.

So here is our latest time waster … picked especially for Kim, since she enjoys talking about balls.

Clearly I won’t be picking a fight with a bear any time in the immediate future.

How long could you survive after punching a bear in the balls?

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Rage Rover

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I was driving Anabella to preschool one day last week and as we pulled into the parking lot she said, “F*cking car!”

Very calmly, I asked (just in case I heard it wrong) “What did you say?”

“F*CKING CAR!”

As I silently try to figure out what to do next, she added “It means get out of the way.” (Ha. Like I didn’t know that.)

I instantly knew she learned that from me, because while Dan does have some rage, it’s not road rage. The sad part was that I couldn’t recall saying it … I guess I was just muttering obscenities under my breath.

So as an experiment in self-actualization, I’ve started recording my outbursts (repeats of my outbursts) on my iPhone and well, it is not pretty. I’ll provide a recap at the end of the week, but let’s just say that someone might need an anger-management class if she doesn’t want to raise a bunch of potty mouths.

The last two weeks … a pictorial

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Lake trips, vandalism, drinking … there’s been a little of everything. Except blogging. Whoops.

Anabella and I went on a mommy-daughter trip to my friend Jeanne’s lake house. (It was her first experience on a boat, and being my daughter, she went right for the driver’s seat.)



The first thing she said was “that’s a LOT of water, mommy!” I could never coax her into the water, so we now own another baby pool. At least this one has palm trees.



I received a lot of feedback on my last “WTF? Wednesday.” Stasa even went so far as to try a “Chelada” (which they are apparently calling Michelada in San Antonio), and she gives it rave reviews. So I guess I will try one soon.

I also took a little time out to vandalize another coworker’s cube. He moved out, so I don’t feel too bad. And now that he is in another building, they probably took away his access to this floor, meaning no retaliation. That’s always good.

And finally, we had Scarlett’s birthday party yesterday. Pizza, cake, football, Bloody Mary’s and good friends … Scarlett throws a kick-ass party!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

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I am hoping at least a few of you remember Ren and Stimpy. I have officially put on my happy helmet and am determined that this is going to be a fabulous week. Because last week was total crap and I cannot handle a repeat. A good friend found out she has breast cancer. Dan’s dad found out his cancer has returned. And lots of other stupid trivial things happened.

The most entertaining stupid trivial thing included me, my white pants and a mocha frappuccino. I was coming back to the office after a quick trip to Starbucks. I got out of my car and walked around toward the back, when the frappuccino slipped out of my hands, hit the concrete and SPLAT … all over the right leg of my white pants.

Me (in a very loud voice): “JESUS! F*CK!”

A voice from the distance: “Rhonda?”

Me (panicking in my head): “CRAP! You just took the Lord’s name in vein AND dropped an F-bomb in the parking garage.”

From around a car, comes my coworker Vanessa. WHEW.

Vanessa: “I knew I recognized that voice. Are you okay?” Looks down at my pants and begins to laugh. “Oh my.”

She was nice enough to walk with me through the sky walks (pretending like no big deal), and even let me hide behind her on the elevator. Thirty minutes and one entire Tide pen later, my pant leg was completely soaked, but the frappuccino was mostly gone.

The moral of the story … invest in Tide pens. Oh, and don’t cuss and act like a raging maniac in the parking garage at work.

The following portion of this blog is rated “R”
So, I took this test last week (and was so tickled by the questions that I could not stop laughing … it was as close to being completely hysterical as I have ever come … I am pretty sure my coworkers wanted to slap me), but feel I should go ahead and post my results … just in case anyone wants to mess with me and/or ruin the fabulous week ahead.

How many baboons could you take in a fight? (armed only with a giant dildo)

Created by The Oatmeal

Ahhh, the weekends

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Life has been exceptionally good lately. The last three weekends have been so much fun that it actually made up for all the crap I put up with during the week. What a nice change!

I took Anabella for her first pedicure, which she loved. Between the cartoons, the ice cream with sprinkles and the flowers painted on her toenails, I think she’s hooked. She giggled through her entire foot rub, which was highly entertaining for everyone.

I also spent a recent weekend at Lake Livingston, relaxing with girlfriends. At first, that mommy guilt kicked in, but once I had a coffee martini in me (drinking at 10 a.m. rocks!), I was in heaven. It’s been a long time since I have laughed so much and so hard. This is a place I’ve been visiting since my mid-20’s, so it was nice to reconnect with ME. I took some notes on my iPhone of all the funny things said that day, but when I went back and read them … well, it wasn’t exactly PG stuff. Girls can be raunchy after a few vodka lemonades!

Check out the view … how perfect is that? I also got to indulge my need for speed on one of the new wave runners. 49 MPH, folks! (I had the butt bruises to prove it.)

Last weekend, Anabella and I went to KB’s house to help decorate cupcakes for a bake sale to support my friend Kathy’s puppy rescue charity. Anabella had the best time and looked friggin’ adorable. She even did a pretty good job decorating.

And sampling …


And then we got to bottle feed these sweet little babies … all 8 of them. My recent tingling of wanting another baby was completely squashed, so that was the good news.

Scarlett is still adorable and perfect … and nearing two! Lately, she has been discovering her love of shoes.


And the best part of the last few weekends … Anabella is now miraculously potty trained! I don’t WTF happened there, but thank you to the potty gods for small favors. That child has given me more bathroom problems than I could have ever imagined … remember the days of finger painting with poop?! Or when I had to duct tape her into her diapers? No more! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What will cause Rhonda to drink heavily this week?

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Here’s the lowdown on the warfare against me over the past few days.

  • Crohn’s in full flare-up. Spent most of the weekend in bed.
  • Waiting for layoffs at work … which feels like waiting for the Grim Reaper to arrive.
  • Deuce, curled up on my chest sleeping, looks up and takes a bite out of my NECK. The really sensitive part of my neck half way between my chin and collar bone. A-hole.
  • Anabella is pushing all of my buttons at every opportunity. Telling me “no” and being quite the PITA.
  • Scarlett runs up behind me, hugs my leg … and then BITES me on the ass. Hard. Then laughs.
  • Deuce knocks my bedside lamp onto my head in the middle of the night, almost giving me a complete heart attack.
  • Scarlett continues to manhandle Deuce and requires constant supervision. But now she runs, with Deuce still in her grips, if I reprimand her.
  • Put Deuce in my bedroom for a few minutes to give Scarlett a “time out.” He crawls into my bra/panty drawer and PEES.
  • Did I mention Dan is out of town?

So, what will it be?


Hey Shorty, it’s my birthday! (Updated!)

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I’m all grown up now, but you can tell this is me by the red hair and the “WTF?” look on my face. Apparently some things never change.

This has been a pretty decent day. Not the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER, but I am keeping a pro/con list and so far the pros are winning. (I’ll update this as the day goes on.)

PROS
1. 11 phone calls, five text messages, several in-person well wishes, four emails and four e-cards so far (including one from Omar!)
2. Treated to lunch by KB – free pizza from CPK, because they goofed and put basil on mine
3. Complimented by strangers on my car, my blouse and my purse today
4. Cake – twice! (Thank you Agustin for the Crave cupcakes!)
5. Been shot at by confetti guns four times and haven’t died from the shock
6. I share my birthday with NCS (who is also 39 today), my aunt Cynthia, my sister-in-law Stephanie, Matt D., and my sweet little friend LTR, who turned 12
7. The celebration continues until Saturday (margaritas and Mexican food with close friends)

CONS
1. Checked mail for birthday cards – found jury summons instead
2. 364 days until 40
3. Sick from so much cake this week


(Agustin was also responsible for the confetti guns, but luckily he provided directions.)

Spiraling

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I made the rounds to some of my favorite blogs at lunch and there seems to be a common theme these days … the economy, bad times and general blah-ness.

And it’s much of the same going on here, which is why I haven’t been blogging. I haven’t enjoyed much free time (Dan has been traveling a lot), and it’s all been doom and gloom lately, so I didn’t want to bring you all down. Work life (still at AIG) a total mess? Check. Personal life (big demands, little resources) taking a toll? Check. Family drama and turmoil (my poor dad is sleeping on my couch … don’t ask)? Check. Turning almost 40 this week? Check. Want to run away? Check.

I am still a “half-full” girl, but lately I’ve needed some help staying there. While driving in the car this weekend, Anabella was noticing all the wild flowers … naming off the colors … and then she stops and says “Mommy, those flowers are for you. ALL the flowers are for you.” Of course that got me all teary-eyed. How sweet! What a precious little girl. I spent the rest of the afternoon in one of those “I should appreciate the things I have” moods.

Not five hours later, I am changing into sleep clothes and Anabella laughs and points to the back of my leg. “That’s bumpy!”

Anabella giveth, Anabella taketh away.


— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a little reality to a certain three-year-old girl. That’s cellulite, Anabella, and you will know all about it in approximately 20 years.

Blah, Ugh, Help

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Dan has been traveling for over a week now, and although I am not totally alone in the endeavor to keep my children safe and sound, I still feel like I have been hit by a very large truck. Maybe even a bulldozer. Whatever it was, I’m the roadkill. Scarlett summed it up yesterday …




I really wasn’t expecting it to be this hard. Dan traveled a lot when Scarlett was a newborn, and that was exhausting too, but something about working full-time and then coming home to two toddlers (one of whom refuses to go to bed before 9:30) is beyond difficult.

So, first I’d like to give a shout out to all the working, single moms. Holy crap, you ladies deserve an award! Second, while I would like to whine some more about poor me getting my ass kicked by a bunch of half-pints, I really just wanted everyone to know why I haven’t been blogging.

And since I am sleep deprived and clearly on the road to depression, here’s a fun exercise … a way for you all to make me feel better. (I stole the idea from a local radio show.) PLEASE entertain me with your witty comments. I need something to keep me awake until at least 10 p.m. And I might even give a prize.


Name something that the Internet has ruined forever.


Their list included:

  • Rick Astley (have you been “Rick Rolled?”)

  • Cats (Because everyone is bothering the poor cats with photo taking for funny captions on Internet sites. Whatever, cats. Get over it.)

  • Watching TV with other people

  • Motivational posters (I think we are okay with this one, right?)

  • Phone books

  • Newspapers

  • Tom Cruise

  • Porn (Because it’s no longer mysterious and hard to come by … and yes, I avoided the obvious joke there … whaaa. Poor porn guys. It’s all so common now.)

  • Journalism (I think that might be a dig at bloggers!)

  • Privacy

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a large helping of parental exhaustion with a side of “what the hell happened to my life?”