Dan was out of town last week, and now I know why I can never get divorced — my children are quite a handful! No time to blog, no time to sleep. I was lucky to get a shower every day.

Anabella came down with strep throat on Monday (the day after he left), and that was a good indication on how the rest of my week was going to go. It’s not that I can’t handle being alone with my own kids, it’s just non-stop with those two. And when it’s just me, I’m the only cook, waiter, referee, maid, bather/hair washer, boo-boo kisser, retriever/finder of things, etc. And it didn’t help that Anabella is the World’s Most Demanding Patient.

“Mommy, I need more ice.”
“Mommy, can you re-cover me?”
“Mommy, please fast forward.”
“Mommy, my arm hurts.”
“Mommy, I don’t want Scarlett to talk to me.”

And for two nights, these demands went on all through the night, in bed, next to me, like a little drill sergeant.

On Wednesday, I decided to play a fun game (because that’s what you do when you have no adults to talk to!) and count how many times Anabella and Scarlett said “mommy.” Between 6 and 8:45 p.m. the word “mommy” was spoken, screamed or cried 79 times. 79!

Luckily, Dan let me have lots of alone and nap time over the weekend, so I have mostly recovered from the ordeal and can get things back on track here and IRL.

See you tomorrow for WTF? Wednesday!

Seriously. Kindergarten is kicking our family’s collective ass. Between cut shoelaces, parent-teacher conferences (Anabella wasn’t “finishing projects” by day 6), HOMEWORK (OMG, so much homework!), morning meltdowns, evening meltdowns – I want to snatch her out and put her back in our sweet little Mother’s Day Out program.

That is our happy place where things were FUN and you could wear what you wanted and you weren’t expected to be a little academic rock star in 7 days. The only thing keeping me sane is that several people are having similar experiences, not that it makes it better, but at least I know it’s not just us.

I have a picture of me from kindergarten — dressed in a cute green dress, standing next to my BFF Cindy, holding my Banana Splits lunch box, looking oh so happy. WTF happened to THAT kindergarten??

Saw this display while shopping for school clothes.

Really, Macy’s? Someone surely “got” the inside joke, right? It doesn’t bother me on a moral level or anything — I just expect to see “kitty” panties at a different kind of store. Anabella was the one who pointed them out, because she thought it was really funny. Thank goodness she didn’t ask for a pair.

My mom accidentally bought her some sweatpants last year that had a cat’s face on the butt. Anabella tried to wear them backwards so many times that I finally had to toss the damn things. These are the things you just aren’t prepared for by any parenting books.

It’s official … my first born is a big girl. Let’s take a moment.

I actually took several today. Thinking about her as a baby, thinking about her as a toddler, thinking about her being all alone in a BIG school, not knowing anyone. AHHHHH!

Of course, she was ecstatic. Loved putting on new clothes and shoes. Totally ready for action.

She wasn’t even upset when they had her doing work as soon as she sat down. (While in my head it was “geesh! can’t we just come in and have some fun on the first day?!”)

You can safely conclude that Anabella was great. Mommy was a mess.

To make a long day even longer, Dan picked her up from school, and left his cell at home. So while I am calling and texting, trying to get an update, they are at McDonald’s, then eating ice cream, then playing in the rain. (WTF, DAN?!)

I finally get the scoop at dinner time. She really likes school. They colored and used their scissors. She knows her teacher’s name, but she can’t remember any of her friends’ names. They played on the playground. There was some trauma over a glue stick that apparently might be my fault. She had fun in the cafeteria and she likes the water fountains. (Don’t you love how random kids can be?)

But the most interesting tidbit came as I was tucking her in.

Anabella: Are we in jail?
Me: No, we are at home.
Anabella: But are some people in jail?
Me: Yes, some people are in jail.
Anabella: Because they are bad.
Me: Yes. Where did you hear about jail?
Anabella: At school.

And so it begins.

Here it is 2 a.m. and I’m awake. I’ve been feeling slightly off – not quite crazy, but definitely off my game – for a few days now. Not sure if it’s just the medicine I’m taking (Prednisone for my Crohn’s … we have a love/hate relationship) or some combo of the meds with the general craziness in my life at the moment (work is beyond busy, Anabella is starting kindergarten on Monday, which has my emotions all over the place, etc. etc.), but I’m just not myself.

Tomorrow I am meeting several of my fabulous girlfriends for a movie (Eat Pray Love) and brunch, so hopefully that will snap me back into my normal frame of mind. Sometimes a little escape is all it takes, right?

Despite my weird mood, the girls have been highly entertaining this weekend. Anabella has a new-found love of knock-knock jokes. She doesn’t always deliver the punch line correctly, but she is perfecting her act. I’m sure it will make her very popular in kindergarten.

And Scarlett is suddenly a singing machine. She puts her own spin on things by singing in a throaty, angry tone. She’s going through her grunge period. Picture Kurt Cobain singing Wheels on the Bus. That’s Scarlett.

I try not to talk about work or work-related things here, just cause that’s mostly boring if you don’t work with me, but today I can’t help myself. There is a person at my office that truly makes me slap my forehead and think “WTF? WTF? WTF?” at least once every few weeks.

She seems like she has redeeming qualities, in that she’s not like a total evil doer in general (I don’t expect she would boil your bunny, but then again, who knows!), but at the office, she is truly a nightmare. She’s self-serving, manipulative, sneaky — and today, just plain disrespectful to some wonderful, hard-working people who in no way deserved it. I enjoy where I work, the people I work with, and I love the things I do, and yet when this woman becomes involved, she sucks the joy out of everything.

WTF is up with people like this? So worried about themselves and their job security that they will make everyone else miserable just to survive? I mean really, aren’t things hard enough in life as it is?

So I beat the crap out of our Slam Man tonight, and am feeling a little better. And yet, I still hope she is having nightmares this evening. Or maybe even has an intestinal disorder. Or a big zit for tomorrow.

This f*cking monkey doesn’t know the half of it

Appropriate, although slightly disturbing, this monkey is found at my gastroenterologist’s office. Let’s just say it’s been a rough few weeks for us both. As I’ve mentioned here before, I have Crohn’s disease — and lately, Crohn’s disease has had me. It’s had me incredibly sick, overwhelmingly sad and completely unmotivated on most days — just mad as hell on others. I try not to feel sorry for myself, because so many people in this world have things much worse, but I am so F*CKING over planning my life around the bathroom.

The interesting side of this flare-up is that I’ve never had so many conversations with God. I’ve promised some crazy stuff at 3 a.m., like not complaining about weight issues any more, just to feel normal again. I also started taking steroids (which proves I give up on being a skinny minnie) and getting intravenous injections that put me flat out for days at a time.

So that is why I haven’t been blogging much. Not that WTF? Wednesdays are the most uplifting posts, but they are better than sad posts about Crohn’s disease, right?

I will be back on Wednesday with a post — and there are some great things going on in my life despite this disease (Anabella just turned 5! I got some “press” today for my social media efforts! See … it’s not all crap! — pun intended!)

I recently conquered my fear of public speaking! Not quite as exciting as riding in the wienermobile, but still thrilling for me in a “I’m not the big scaredy cat I thought I was” kind of way.

I was asked to present at a social media conference for financial communicators (at NASDAQ!) back. Totally thrilled, I accepted, but for some reason it was all very surreal and I didn’t think it would actually end up happening. I’ve always been scared of public speaking — not like in a meeting or in a casual setting — but up in front of a room full of people, on a stage, alone, lights blaring …

Just like this scene. But the conference rolled around last week and surprise, I was still supposed to present. Once I got up there, I wasn’t scared at all. I don’t know if it’s because I’m 40 (and fabulous) or what, but I wasn’t full of crazy nerves like I remember from my younger days. (Or maybe it was because I just don’t give a crap anymore? ha!) So it was really rewarding to conquer the beast, and I received some flattering feedback from people in the audience. And I got to participate in the NASDAQ closing bell ceremony. That alone was worth it.

Now on to my next two big fears: Spiders and walking on these …

Since we just moved in, consider this place still in boxes. I’m not sure I’m even keeping this theme, but I am really excited to be at my very own URL. Yeah!

Expect the first “WTF? Wednesday” at our new pad tomorrow. And please bookmark my new site.

Welcome to my Monday mind dump. Hope you aren’t looking for something important to read. 😉

Ricky Martin came out today
This is going to KILL my friend Jeanne, who has been insisting he was not gay for about 12 or 13 years now. And the best part, today is her birthday. LOL

Men are getting weirder
At lunch, a coworker revealed that several men she has met online (3 or 4 in row) lied about their age. When did the tables turn? I didn’t think men were subjected to ageism. The crazy part is that it was only by a few years (39 instead of 43). What the hell difference does that make?

I love Joe Biden’s F-bomb
I know it’s not appropriate to cuss on TV, but clearly that part was an accident. Doesn’t anyone find it refreshing that the vice president turned into a normal dude for one second and really enjoyed the enormity of the situation he was in? I think it totally rocks.

And now for the serious bit
I found out over the weekend that someone I used to date was killed in a rather horrific way. The thing that has me stumbling around in my emotions, is that this person was a total ass. He lied to me about being married, led me on for months, and basically broke my silly little 25-year-old heart. So while it made me sad when I heard, and I find it very tragic, and I am incredibly sorry for his children, I didn’t even shed a tear. And now I feel really, REALLY guilty for that.

Ridiculous, right??