From the funny farm.
Happy Halloween
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Monthly Archives: October 2007
“What the F*ck?” Chuck
WTF is up with Chuck Norris? He is EVERYWHERE, and I just don’t understand the attraction/love/obsession.
First, there are Walker Texas Ranger reruns on at all times of the day and night. (Per an Internet search, that show went off the air 6 years ago…it’s time to let it go, folks. Seriously. And for all you non-Texans who think that the show is a representation of life here in the Lone Star State, please come visit.)
Then, of course, there are the non-stop infomercials of Chuck and Christie Brinkley selling The Total Gym. I was also recently watching a episode of Late Night with Conan O’Brien (which I NEVER watch), and he was playing clips from Chuck Norris movies. I turned on the radio last week and the morning show guys from the hippest station in town were giving out Chuck Norris “facts”… such as “Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father” and “Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.” (Which were actually kind of funny, but I had no idea everyone held Chuck Norris in such high regard.)
He’s in a Mountain Dew commercial (that is also pretty funny) and he also has a new Honda commercial with the tag line “tough meets classy.”
So I have to know people…WTF is up with Chuck Norris??? He seems like a nice enough guy…I mean, he doesn’t make me want to vomit like say, Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van D*ckhead. But I still don’t get it.
Enlighten me…PLEASE.
New Tricks
Although it appears that PoopFest 2007 may have finally come to an end, nothing is ever boring with my precious Anabella. I mean, she can’t just be good, right?
So her new trick…
After putting her to bed one night last week, my mommy radar kicked in and I had that feeling that I should check the monitor to see if she was okay. When i turned on the video, I was greeted by my little girl doing what I have dubbed as “Toddler Tae Bo” in the nude. She was standing in bed, doing all kinds of kicks and jumps and toe touches. I have to admit that it was pretty friggin funny, until I pictured what would happen if she need to potty.
So I ran upstairs and was greeted by little Miss NakedPants smiling all sweetly. “HI!” she said. Then she walked over to the dresser, picked up her pajamas and diaper (which she had folded up neatly before placing them there), and brought them to me. I redressed her, kissed her goodnight, and we made it through the evening without further incident.
Until two days later when it was time for another nighttime nuddie workout.
Where the hell is Rhonda?
In a dark corner holding herself in the fetal position? Not yet.
BIG kudos to all of you ladies out there who have managed a toddler and a newborn. I know it’s not impossible and yet, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. So the reason I haven’t been posting much is because every “free” minute is used to make me feel sane again…by doing things like showering, eating and going to the restroom.
The highlight of this past week was finding my second gray hair. There it was sticking straight out from my temple. (The first showed up after I got married…and now this one appears once my sweet Anabella hits her terrible twos. No coincedence there.) Of course, I got right to work ridding myself of it, but unfortuately several innocent red hairs died in the process. Why are those little gray ones so hard to pull? Anyway, Dan put his fabulous spin on it.
Me: I can’t believe I have a second gray hair! I’m only 37.
Dan: Well, at least it’s not down there.
Me: Yes, that is quite a relief.
So, Here’s the stats, in case anyone besides me is interested:
Times I’ve been projectile puked on: 4
Number of times I was fully dressed and ready to leave the house when it happened: 2
Times I’ve been peed on while changing a diaper: 3
Pounds lost: 37
Number of things I have bought off infomercials: 0 (only becuase I haven’t had the energy to find my credit card.
Number of cold showers for Anabella after playing with poop: ZERO! Thank you for small miracles. However, she does have a new “trick”, which I will tell you all about tomorrow.
Oh, and did I mention that we all fighting off a cold? Lovely.
Weekend Dose of Cuteness
She will 4 weeks old tomorrow and I already see a little of me in her…besides the good looks, of course. Like her mama, Scarlett hates to have her feet covered and will wiggle endlessly until they are free.
“What the Fuck?” Wednesday – Halloween Horror
I love Target…anyone who knows me knows this to be true. But I have to say that I was a little disturbed when I noticed some of the costumes they are marketing to girls through their Target brand. As a mom of two little girls, this is the kind of stuff that makes me wonder how in the hell I am going to raise smart, savvy, self-respecting women.
What do these costumes say to you?
“Hi. I’m a GEISHA, which means I am here to entertain men. Yes, I know I am only seven, but since they put ‘spider’ in front of geisha, no one should find this disturbing.”
“Look how cute being in the military is! Make your top a little sassy and wear heels with your uniform…viola! Being the army is downright sexy, fashionable and fun.”
WTF Target? Is anyone actually thinking before they put this stuff on the shelf?
New product for men
I was keeping my mind stimulated the other night by reading the grocery receipt, when I stumbled upon a very strange purchase.
Could it be some new gel/foam/lubricant/happy pill that will keep my husband’s Mr. How Do You Do “preserved” while we endure the doctor mandated sexual hiatus for the remaining 3 weeks?? I rummaged through the cabinets trying to figure out what he bought for his penis, when I finally came across the DICKINSON’S Strawberry Preserves in the pantry (notice that just three items down, the Dickinson’s Pumpkin Butter is abbreviated quite differently).
So for my next job, I want to be the person who decides what abbreviations go on the receipts at the grocery store. (The current guy seems like he might be like Brad Pitt in Fight Club…getting a kick from sneaking in one frame of porn into the kid movies.) Of course, I would be less sexual/pornographic and more humorous/sarcastic. Kind of like when Omar bought a “boy toy” at Burger King!
My week in review
Unfortunately, my life is pretty boring at the moment. It’s all babies, lessons in patience, and watching TV. But to keep myself entertained, I have been keeping track of some personal stats. Here are the current tallies:
- Times I’ve been projectile puked on: 2
- Times I’ve been peed on while changing a diaper: 2
- Pounds lost: 33 (I gained 50, so don’t be too impressed, especially since I still had “baby weight” from the last one!)
- Number of cold showers for Anabella after playing with poop since the baby came home: 3
- Number of things I have bought off infomercials: 0 (this is quite a feat)
- Number of things I am very tempted to buy off an infomercial: 2 (The Tobi steamer looks really cool.)
- Number of times I have been tempted to drink heavily after dealing with terrible two year old: Countless
Couldn’t have said it better myself
Yes, little Miss Scarlett already communicates quite well. This pretty much summarizes how things are going around here. Between sleep deprivation and cabin fever…and the terrible two-year old and her temper tantrums…well, it can only get better, right? RIGHT?