Author Archives: Rhonda

Things I’ve learned recently

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1. If you peel a banana from the bottom up, you don’t get those gross stringy things.

Apparently that’s how monkeys do it. Hard to imagine stringy things would be a problem for animals that throw feces and sniff butts, but whatever.

2. If something is on fire, black smoke means no one is putting water on it yet.

We were watching a house fire from our 35-floor windows yesterday and my coworker Stephen says “no firetrucks yet.” I’m all like “how do you know that?” and he says “no white smoke.” Sure enough, five minutes later the black smoke turned white … fire trucks on the scene.

3. Aerosmith’s “Dude looks like a lady” is about Vince Neil.

Clearly, I am watching too much E! television.

4. Sonic has the healthiest french fries.

Thanks for the tidbit, Susan. Check out the full french-fry scoop.

5. Announcing layoffs makes everyone in your office crazy.

— The B. S. Cafe is now serving paranoia and general disgruntlement.

“What the f*ck?” Friday

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It’s all Dan’s fault this is late. Believe me, I am thinking “WTF?” all day every day, I just haven’t had time to post about it. (But he is home today, so he’s totally forgiven!)

So here’s two-weeks worth of “WTF?” stuff.

I’ve been worried about Swine Flu all week, and what I really should be thinking about is Shingles?

Ummm, maybe you are still a BACHELOR, because you can’t spell and you don’t even take the time to spell check before you emboss your car.

Hmmmm. Is a comment really necessary? Maybe if we left the head on the priest it wouldn’t seem so … you know.


Dear Range Rover: Why does my car love Nickelback so much? Nickelback is never playing and 96.5 is not an all-Nickelback station. How about giving me my Money-back for the piece of crap satellite radio that doesn’t know the difference between Nickelback and Taylor Swift?

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today?

Blah, Ugh, Help

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Dan has been traveling for over a week now, and although I am not totally alone in the endeavor to keep my children safe and sound, I still feel like I have been hit by a very large truck. Maybe even a bulldozer. Whatever it was, I’m the roadkill. Scarlett summed it up yesterday …




I really wasn’t expecting it to be this hard. Dan traveled a lot when Scarlett was a newborn, and that was exhausting too, but something about working full-time and then coming home to two toddlers (one of whom refuses to go to bed before 9:30) is beyond difficult.

So, first I’d like to give a shout out to all the working, single moms. Holy crap, you ladies deserve an award! Second, while I would like to whine some more about poor me getting my ass kicked by a bunch of half-pints, I really just wanted everyone to know why I haven’t been blogging.

And since I am sleep deprived and clearly on the road to depression, here’s a fun exercise … a way for you all to make me feel better. (I stole the idea from a local radio show.) PLEASE entertain me with your witty comments. I need something to keep me awake until at least 10 p.m. And I might even give a prize.


Name something that the Internet has ruined forever.


Their list included:

  • Rick Astley (have you been “Rick Rolled?”)

  • Cats (Because everyone is bothering the poor cats with photo taking for funny captions on Internet sites. Whatever, cats. Get over it.)

  • Watching TV with other people

  • Motivational posters (I think we are okay with this one, right?)

  • Phone books

  • Newspapers

  • Tom Cruise

  • Porn (Because it’s no longer mysterious and hard to come by … and yes, I avoided the obvious joke there … whaaa. Poor porn guys. It’s all so common now.)

  • Journalism (I think that might be a dig at bloggers!)

  • Privacy

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a large helping of parental exhaustion with a side of “what the hell happened to my life?”

Eight years and counting

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Today is our 8th wedding anniversary. Dan is in Chicago, so I’m all pitiful. The girls and I had celebratory fish sticks for dinner and I chased them with a mocha frappaccino. Delish.

I went to our online family website and found this photo from our wedding (lovely border courtesy of a crazy aunt). Look how happy we were … younger, thinner, better skin. Ah, the memories.

(mush on) Anywho, I have to say that I love the man as much as I did on this day … maybe even more. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. (mush off)

Bee, if you see him walking down the street or in a restaurant or something, give him a big hug for me.

Really, Dan?

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Dan recently took the girls to Build-A-Bear Workshop. The bear on the left is Scarlett’s bear … Anabella picked it out for her. The bear on the right is Anabella’s bear. Dan swears she picked it out all by herself.



Really, Dan? The masculine-looking bear wearing camouflage … with a matching beret and dog tags (not pictured). Anabella picked that out all by herself? Her daddy, the ex-Marine, didn’t have anything to do with it? The same daddy who puts Marine Corps. stickers on every car we own? The daddy whose last three cars have been Hummers? The daddy who asked for a bulldog (the Marine Corps. mascot) for his 30th birthday? I have a hard time believing daddy didn’t coach her on this one.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving kick-ass Marine baby toys. Mameluke sword or a nice Beretta 9mm for your three-year-old daughter? Sure!

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? ALMOST a chair!

The 18-year-old lie

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I was recently sitting in the lobby of Massage Envy waiting for my appointment, when a man who worked there approached me.

Man: Hi, Rhonda. Do you remember me?

Me: No, I’m sorry I don’t.

Man: I’m Jeff. I knew you when you dated Gilmer.

Me: (laughing loudly) I can assure you I have NEVER dated anyone named Gilmer.

Man: Sure you did.

Me: (Completely dumbfounded … going through list of men in head .. sure there was one Bubba, but that was short lived…)

Man: Jonathan GILMER Lastname. (a man I lived with for over a year when I was 20.) He was a good friend of mine.

Me: Are you kidding me? (start to laugh uncontrollably)

Jeff: (Completely dumbfounded) Ummm …

Me: He told me he didn’t have a middle name!! I always felt bad for him because his name was so generic. I lived with him for f*ck’s sake! I can’t believe he lied about that … (rambled on for a while longer)

Poor Jeff. I think I did manage to ask if he was married and such, but I wasn’t listening (his name might not even be Jeff). I just couldn’t let go of the G. R. (Gilmer Revelation)

So there it is. I have officially dated a Bubba and a Gilmer. Next thing you know, I am going to find out Dan’s real name is Navin or Englebert.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a renewed satisfaction with my own middle name.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today?

I think Laura is on to something here … Scarlett seems more cat-like every day. Except she’s not nearly as tidy.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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Dear “DNR European Café” owner:

I’ve been very hesitant to eat at your establishment, because here in the U.S. “DNR” stands for “Do Not Resuscitate.”

In that context, your tag line seems a little ominous, don’t you think? I’m here for lunch, not a toe tag.

Next time, you might want to run your name choices by a few locals before having the fancy sign made.

— The B.S. Café is now serving deadly yummy sandwiches from the DNR Café. Enjoy.


P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? (Notice the sunglasses. You don’t want to be caught without them in a laundry basket!)

Easter recap

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Oh what a crazy, jam-packed weekend. After two failed attempts to get a picture with the Easter bunny, I finally gave up and tried to convince myself that Scarlett would have just cried anyway. But secretly, I’m still sad about it. (On Friday night, the line was closed, so Dan told the girls that the EB was sleeping. Saturday, the line wrapped around the place twice, so I told them the EB was sick and needed some rest for Sunday. Are we nominees for the bad parent award yet? )

Otherwise the weekend went well … birthday parties, Easter egg coloring and “hatching” (meaning Anabella squishing a hard-boiled egg), hoarding of Easter basket goodies (“MINE!”), and of course, lots of chocolate. Here’s a few photos:



Maybe now Anabella will finally quit asking me to help her make Valentine cards.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a classic Easter bunny photo from 2006. How cute is she?

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? An Easter basket, of course. (Although she couldn’t squeeze all the way into it.)

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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OMG, people … I am so over Twitter! (and Facebook, but today I will just rant about Twitter)

Why do I need to know what people are doing every second of every day? (in 140 characters or less)

I don’t care that much about what I am doing, so do I really need to hear what some random person from high school is having for lunch? I don’t even have a Twitter account and I still have to hear about tweeting all day long. People just can’t stop talking about tweeting and twittering and the news is all about who twittered this or tweeted that.

And yesterday, I see THIS … surgeons tweeting during surgery.

WTF??? If you have me cut open, and I catch you tweeting about it, you better hope I die on the table, because I am so gonna beat your a** when it’s all said and done. Don’t you have something better to do? (Like poke someone on Facebook via your iPhone?!)

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving … capers! WTF is up with this caper hell on my bagel ? I like capers, but 50+ (I stopped counting at 50) on 1/3 of a bagel is ridiculous. And not only did they try to kill me with capers, but they hid them under the lox. Very sneaky.

Oh no!

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Scarlett’s new favorite saying … and the only response the Comcast Customer Service person could come up with when I canceled my service today.

“Oh no. We hate to lose you as a customer.”

“Oh no. I can’t believe they didn’t offer you the preferred package.”

“Oh no. That’s too bad.”

It’s cute as hell when my 18-month old says it over and over. When the lady on the telephone does it, I want to strangle someone.

My computer has also mysteriously rebooted itself five times since I got to work, and some dude in another office called and gave me an a**chewing because he wasn’t happy with the employee newsletter.

Happy Monday.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a tiny dose of Monday-morning hostility.

P.S. What’s Scarlett sitting on today? A tiny tractor. She’s a bonnet and camouflage-wearing farmer. Oh no.