Author Archives: Rhonda

I’m so f*cking OVER you …

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… TEXANS! Not Texans meaning us cool people who live in Texas, but The Texans as in the football team.

I am so tired of dragging my ass to Reliant Stadium every other Sunday to see them lose. It’s depressing. Especially because 1.) we have a lot of good players, and 2.) we have spent a lot of money to be season ticket holders for 7 years of losing seasons.

I know we are a new team, but COME ON. Despite what Omar thinks, they are not losing because I refuse to splash more blue poo water on myself! Get a decent quarter back. Get a better coach. Do SOMETHING. Throw money at it! Seriously, I hear that works.

Oh, and while you are at it…please get rid of the hookers who dance in the end zone after every quarter. What happened to the days when cheerleaders did CHEERS and not just slutty dances? I don’t want my daughters watching that crap.

So to wrap this rant up with something completely not related to the Texans sucking, a little fun fact about me. Here is the view from my seat …

And here is where I watch the game.

I think somebody has a TV problem.

Will the POOP ever stop?

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I walked into my bedroom Friday night to find this pillow on the floor. (Don’t worry, I don’t have exercise mats on the floor in my room … this was taken at the pillow’s new home … the garage.)

From the distance, I was like “Hmmm, what’s that pillow doing in here? And what is on it? That couldn’t be … no … that isn’t … SH*T!!!!”

So of course I scream for Dan, because this clearly happened on his watch.

Dan: That’s definitely Frankie. Frankie sh*t all over that thing.

Me: So you are saying you think Frankie balanced on this ball while doing his business. Or you think he moved around so he could crap on various different spots on it?

Dan: I don’t know! That’s definitely dog sh*t.

Upon further investigation, we noticed spots on the carpet where poop had previously resided. And then it became crystal clear what happened.

Me: Anabella, did Frankie poop?

Anabella: Yes, in your bedroom. I cleaned it up.

Me: (in my head) OMG, are you serious? You used a silk, Marge Carson pillow to roll up dog sh*t off the floor? WTF??

Me: (out loud) That was really nice of you to help clean up, Anabella. Next time, tell mommy or daddy and let’s use a paper towel, okay?

Anabella: (big, sweet smile) Okay, mommy.

Clearly, the poop is never going to stop. Ever since Anabella arrived, it has been a constant in my life … kind of like sunrises, Pinot Grigio and cussing.

And if you are wondering why I still have the Poop Pillow, it’s because my irrational mind is not totally convinced yet that it can’t be cleaned.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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Scarlett came home from school today with this hairdo, if you can even call it that.

WTF? My adorable baby doesn’t need a weird, Alfalfa ponytail. Look at her face. Does she look like she is enjoying this?

Now, the do that resulted from removing the ponytail was actually quite amusing.


Photo Op Weekend

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Just a few photos from our Halloween weekend. This is the first time Anabella understood what trick-or-treating means (“they are going to give me candy?!”), so she was really pumped. Scarlett went as a little witch. Couldn’t keep the hat on her, but she looked pretty cute anyway.

Anabella wanted to be a pirate … of course she had her “Arrrrrrr!” down perfectly, and she was the World’s Most Polite Trick-or-Treater ever, yelling “Thank YOU! Happy Halloween!” as she left every house.

Here is Winston in his pirate outfit. That’s Chloe, our neighbor’s daughter, who wanted to share her candy … apparently Winston looked like he needed a tootsie roll. When I mentioned he could barely fit into his costume, she decided to keep it for herself.

Saturday morning, we woke up to find a giant pile of itty bitty pieces of tin foil on the dining room table. I totally flipped out, thinking that Anabella had eaten 50 pieces of chocolate before 8:00 a.m., but then she showed me this.


I guess she just liked unwrapping them. Whew.

And here is a picture of Anabella at a princess birthday tea party on Saturday morning. She wanted to take the outfit off as soon as we got in the car.

And she was completely OVER it after 15 minutes and 3 cups of “tea.” I have to admit … I love that she isn’t a super girly-girl. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just that I’m not a bows/bedazzled/glittery kind of girl either.

Anabella was completely disinterested in Cinderella, who had the full attention of all the other princesses, and spent about 20 minutes sitting in a chair, holding a fork, and staring down the cake.


That’s my girl!

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday … I mean, Thursday

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A day late, but with plenty of gravy …


Before you say anything about my high-carb, low-nutrition lunch, please remember I have been eating lots of soup lately and I can’t eat anything healthy (no raw veggies or even most cooked ones, no nuts, seeds or anything high in fiber!).

So I get this yummy to-go lunch and when I get back to my desk I start pulling out container after container of condiments … three gravies and two tarter sauces to be exact.

WTF, Luby’s? I didn’t ask for either of these condiments, and while I appreciate you assuming I wanted them, one would have been plenty. I wasn’t planning to take a gravy bath or have a tarter-sauce facial today.

Housekeeping

I would like to say congrats to my friends Kathy and Matt who welcomed a gorgeous little girl on Monday. Her name is Peyton … how cute is that?

And for NCS, some things to go with your toast band-aids.

Taking a Chill Pill

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Sorry I haven’t been around much, but I have been taking it easy. I don’t think I have ever shared here that I have Crohn’s disease (mainly because it has been in remission and quite frankly, it’s a bit of a downer), but I do … and it’s back with a vengeance.

So, I’ve been relaxing as much as possible, which means everything else has been sidelined over the past week. But the good news is I am feeling better every day and apparently potato soup is a miracle cure for intestinal disorders. Just so you know.

I have also been taken off of “hate mail” duty at work and that helped my angry gut almost immediately. But here is what I learned from answering nasty emails for almost two weeks.
  1. Excessive use of exclamation points (e.g. I am so angry!!!!!!) or question marks (e.g. What is wrong with you people??????????) means you are very, VERY pissed.
  2. Some people don’t understand how to use rhetorical questions properly. (e.g. Don’t you think I would like a spa vacation??? I demand an answer!)
  3. Making threats is okay, just make sure suspicion won’t fall on you by using a clause like “Not that I would do that,” “I don’t think it’s right, but…” or “I’m not saying I want this to happen, but…”
  4. If a person closes a letter by saying “I’m not crazy, I just want to know,” they are crazy.

Weekend Disturbia

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It was a wonderful weekend…lots of QT with the girls, a 90-minute massage, and tailgating with the hubby at the Texans game. It was perfect, except for two of the most disturbing incidents in my recent life.

Saturday morning, we wake up to Scarlett making silly sounds through the baby monitor.

Hubby: Good morning. I had a really nice dream about you last night.

Me: Really? Well I dreamed that I was having sex with Donald Trump. (I have no filter first thing in the morning.)

Hubby: WHY?

Me: I don’t know! But if it makes you feel any better, he had a really small penis.

Hubby: I could have guessed that.

Of course I spent the rest of the day trying to decipher my dream. I’m sure it goes without saying that I do not find him attractive. I hadn’t been talking about him or seen him on TV recently. So WTF?

Fast-forward to Sunday.

It was a gorgeous day…sunny, cool and slightly windy. We are out in the parking lot at Reliant Stadium tailgating before the game, and suddenly I have to go…like NOW. So I did what I never do…I used the port-o-potty.

I was taking care of my business when I felt something splash back UP onto my butt cheek. AHHHHH! NO! Not blue poo water on my butt cheek!! I had come armed with hand sanitizer and paper towels, but no amount of sanitizer on my cheek made it feel clean. In fact, I have never left more dirty. Ugh.

It was all I could think about for the next 3 hours. The hubby tried to calm me down, but all I could think about was that spot on my butt cheek and God only knows WHO’S poo water on it.

As soon as we got home, I stripped off my clothes and washed them in boiling hot water. Then I went straight to the shower where I washed that spot for about half an hour.

I can still feel the poo water on that cheek…I’ll never recover.

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday

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SO much WTF–ness today…

First, how do you like these shoes? Look at the adorable little mouse faces on the toe.

Would you ever be caught dead wearing these? I expect not. But that isn’t the WTF part.

Would you pay $299.94 for these ridiculous shoes (ON SALE, no less!)?

Look at these. I don’t care if they are Prada…and “on sale”…I am not paying $399.94 for a pair of shoes with a 1970s-era plastic yellow buckle.

These are the least expensive of the bunch at $199.94, probably because they are beach wear, but still…they look like something Mrs. Roper would wear with one of her muumuus.


These win the “WTF, are you f*cking kidding me?” Award. I am in no way thrifty, but I can’t believe someone would pay even $25 (much less $299.94) for this pair of floral print moccasins.


Seriously, DSW. WTF is going on with this shoe selection?

Death on a Platter
I know you will find this hard to believe, but the green stuff tasted even worse than it looks.

My favorite wine bar, Max’s Wine Dive, changed up their menu, and this was a new addition … “French escargot in honey bacon and sweet onion butter with hon shimeji mushroom, grilled crouton, and parsley foam.”

My friends and I were very excited to try it, and quite frankly, I wasn’t worried about the parsley foam because I have always lived under the assumption that parsley has no flavor.

I was so wrong. Parsley does have a flavor (especially in foam form) and it is called ASS. It was by far the worst thing I have put in my mouth in a very long time. In fact, it was so bad that I wiped off my tongue and did my best to quarantine the nastiness to one side of the plate.

What are we drinking?
According to this article … “bacteria, caffeine, the pain reliever acetaminophen, fertilizer, solvents, plastic-making chemicals and the radioactive element strontium.” WTF?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081015/ap_on_sc/impure_bottled_water

Mr. Lipstick can bite me

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My main task at work over the past week has been responding to angry emails. Sometimes it’s nice, because I can change a person’s perspective and make them feel better about AIG, other times I get really nasty responses that make me feel like total crap.

The last email I read before leaving yesterday afternoon (to go buy a million dollar battery for the Range Rover) said something like “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. Your response is the lipstick, and your company is the pig!” Nice. And of course I can’t respond back with what I REALLY want to say, so I internalize all that crap and go on with my day.

When I got to the RR repair shop, I sat down and noticed this across the room.


How cute is that? I don’t know why, but seeing this table full of homemade goodies totally changed my mood. Binoculars made from toilet paper tubes…only 50 cents! How about a paper purse for two bucks? Need to brush up on your math? Take a quiz!

The owner’s daughter is 8 years old, and apparently she restocks her little “shop” quite often. And she’s made over $80 so far. How is that for being a little entrepreneur? So I bought a drawing of a butterfly and decided that Mr. Lipstick just needs a different perspective on things.