Category Archives: WTF

“WTF?” Wednesday

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I don’t know WTF is going on in my life, but everywhere I turn lately, someone is speaking to me in a condescending tone. Clearly this is a peek into my future — and probably what senior citizens feel like when they are being treated like children — and I am not enjoying it.

For example, Bar 1400 has these signs hanging in every bathroom stall. The bathroom manager was either a kindergarten teacher or a technical writer in his/her previous career. Just an FYI – anyone who is old enough to be in a bar probably knows how to use a effing toilet seat cover. I don’t need tone in the toilet. Especially not when I am buzzed — it pisses me off. No pun intended.


Even my four year old has tone recently. Last week I came home from work and she was standing at the door waiting for me:

Anabella: HI MOMMY!

Me: Hey baby. I missed you! How was your day?

Anabella: You forgot to pack my ballerina clothes.

Me: Oh no. I am so sorry, Anabella. I promise to remember next time.

Anabella: That’s okay, mommy. Accidents happen. (pauses) But you need to focus. (turns and leaves)

I just stood there completely dumbfounded. Then, in my head, the tirade began …“WHAT? I need to focus? Ummm, okay, kid. Clearly you have no idea who does everything in your life. This happy little family train you ride on would have derailed a long time ago if it wasn’t for me.”

Dan smiled and said something about how cute she was. I flipped him off and went straight to the bathtub.

The very next day, I call Ticketmaster to buy tickets for the Black Eyed Peas. (I’m on a rodeo committee this year, so we had the chance to buy before they went on sale to the public.) It quickly became clear that finding four seats wasn’t going to happen …

Ticketmaster douche: The Black Eyed Peas are a very popular group, ma’am.

Me: Yes, I know. Which is why I was hoping to get tickets …

Ticketmaster douche: (clearly not listening to me) … they are a hip-hop, R&B group. They have a lot of hit songs. They are very popular.

Me: I KNOW who they are. Why do you think I am calling for tickets?

Ticketmaster douche: Oh. Well then you shouldn’t be surprised that they are sold out.

Me: These tickets aren’t on sale to the public yet, so why wouldn’t I think there might be some left?

silence…

Me: Good thing I am taking that survey at the end of this call.

“What the f*ck?” — Christmas gift edition

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I have spent the last three days in malls and stores across Houston (because I hadn’t done jack crap to prepare for Christmas until last Saturday and this is how I like to punish myself) and have seen some redonkulous stuff passing itself off as Christmas gifts. Here are just a few of those “WTF is this?” gifts:

This thing was huge. Look how tiny the disposable cameras are in comparison. If you need a remote this big, well, can you really even see the TV anymore?


No. This is just wrong. Period.

I know some people are really hard to buy for, but give me a break. Get a gift card.


Gross. Would anyone ever touch the “butt” side now that it is clearly labeled?

I can really only think of one person that this is appropriate for — and Jesus isn’t into bling.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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For the past few months something weird has been going on with the electricity in the front of our house. The breaker would flip off, we would flip it back on, it would stay put for a few minutes, and then it would flip off again — sometimes with a spark coming from one of the electrical sockets. Dan and I know nothing about electricity, so we started living without a front porch light, stairway light and any electricity at all on one side of my office. (And yes, the spark should have prompted us to call someone immediately, but we aren’t scared!)

Finally, a friend (who also happens to be an electrician) came by to check it out. Thankfully (because I don’t enjoy looking totally stupid), he was also stumped and started to do some investigating. He figured out that the problem was starting with the small night lights installed on the stairway.

He took off the cover and this is what he found …

Thanks right, folks. Someone was using the night light as a PIGGY BANK. WTF, Firestarter … I mean, Anabella? Sure, throw some coins into an electrical outlet. I’m sure that won’t be a problem.

The yellow arrows are pointing to the places where two of the coins had almost fused together from the sparks/fire/whatever was going on each time we tried to turn the breaker back on.

Between the poop and the cussing and now the electricity stunt, Anabella is going to make me old and gray long before my 40th birthday.


— The B.S. Cafe is now serving a big helping of Big Brother. I am watching you, Anabella!

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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I was almost rear-ended twice coming back from lunch on Monday. And I’m not talking about someone tailgating or coming to a stop too close. It was two tire-screeching, head-turning, near misses in less than five minutes … by the same car.

Of course that pissed me off to no end, so when the guy pulled beside me as I headed into the left-turn lane, I prepared my best evil eye. I just wish my iPhone had a telephoto lens, because then you could see that the man in this photo was so captivated by the thumbnails on the back of the PORNO he was holding, that he couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to me or the road.

Nothing wrong with a good video, but do we need to study it while driving on a crazy-busy road, during the middle of the day, with our window down so that everyone gets a good look, and nearly killing our fellow drivers in the process? He is truly lucky that I don’t own a Hummer any more because I was that close to just ramming into him.

WTF are these people doing?

Tailgating in the mall parking lot?


Watching an analog TV in their car?

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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It’s official. Anabella and I are in the bribery stage of our relationship.


It started out slow enough … some mini-M&Ms while I brushed the tangles out of her hair (her hair gets crazy tangled — she probably deserves a cocktail, but that would be wrong) and the occasional chocolate milk here and there.

But today, it was full on blackmail, thanks mainly to SpongeBob SquarePants.

Anabella is completely enamored with SBSP. The problem is that SBSP is on Nickelodeon, instead of our usual Noggin. Noggin is commercial-free. Nickelodeon is non-stop commercials for every stupid toy and sugary snack ever made. For the past week, they have been advertising Moxy Girls (WTF is a Moxy Girl?) during every episode.

So this morning, I needed to keep Anabella home from preschool due to a scheduling conflict. And of course, she was really pissed about that and went into full meltdown mode as I was trying to get out the door.

I foolishly and selflessly thought about our poor nanny and how her day was going to go, and said to Anabella “if you are good for Ana today, and play nicely with Scarlett, I will bring you home a surprise.” (thinking stickers or something silly)

As she wipes a tear from her cheek, she innocently looks up and says, “A Moxy Girl?”

F*ck.

“WTF?” Wednesday

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WTF was I thinking when I signed up for NaBloPoMo? And why didn’t you guys try to stop me? It’s only day four and I already feel like the Dunkin Donuts guy … “time to write the blog. time to write the blog.” I’m all about setting goals, but this is kind of like starting a no-carb diet during the holidays. Maybe I could make my life extra hard by adopting a few more toddlers or a litter of puppies that needs house training.

So anyway, I get this email today from Sur la table (a store that I love, love, love) and am instantly intrigued because Thanksgiving is approaching, we eat mostly organic meat, and they say it’s like the bestest turkey eh-ver!

Then I scrolled down to see that this turkey costs $110 for a 15-pounder. Holy crap! That turkey better be the best thing I ever put in my mouth. I’m talking no gravy necessary, super juicy, tasty and slightly orgasmic turkey. I spent $65 on a turkey two years ago and felt like an idiot. (organic but 27 pounds!) The lady at the checkout even made fun of me.

But I guess the good news here is that if even 50 people are willing to spend that kind of cash on a turkey, then the economy is clearly recovering.



P.S. If you buy one, we usually eat our Thanksgiving meal in the early afternoon, so I could totally be free to join you for dinner.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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It’s been two weeks (I know, sorry!), and the WTF photos have been piling up in my iPhone … so let’s get to it.

Car? Motorcycle? Some weird cross between the two like the zonkey? I don’t understand. Why one big ass wheel in the back? WTF?

Really. An orange mohawk. Do you know how long it took me to explain this to my four year old? Didn’t this hairstyle go out in the 80s?

I know it’s the writer/editor in me, but WTF, Channel 2? They have this cool tool called “spell check” now. Maybe you guys should get it.


Anyone know WTF a “Corn Hole Tournament” is? I do now, but seriously, that name is just wrong.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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I had a great “WTF? Wednesday” ready to go … about our nanny and her wacky mom … but then I got a call from my BFF from high school, Halle, from Texas Children’s Hospital. And now, her one-year-old daughter is in surgery, having a “foreign object” removed from her lungs. So I am sitting here, waiting for the call that she is okay and in recovery.

My friend Kathy mentioned that something similar had happened to her as a baby … she was on a counter and grabbed a whole peanut, which she then proceeded to choke on. I had no idea something you swallowed could end up in your lungs? And once we started talking about it, Kathy and I decided it’s really a miracle she’s here with us at all. Why was she on a counter as a baby? (we made up a little scenario where her mom left her on the counter so she could step out on the patio for a scotch and a cig. ha!)

So please say a little prayer for baby Blair. Did I mention that it is Halle’s wedding anniversary too? WTF, Universe? That’s pretty crappy.

And to end on a happy note. WTF is this all about? If I want something to taste like bacon, I’ll put some bacon in it. I don’t want bacon-flavored anything … that should only be done to dog food.

That being said, Dan bought this and we had it on some hamburgers. It was good, but it was no bacon.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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WTF is wrong with the Wisconsin Tourism Federation? They had THE BEST ACRONYM EVER, and then they totally went and rearranged the words in their name. So now, instead of WTF, they are TFW. Blah.



Their website (http://www.witourismfederation.org/) says they changed it so it would “no longer distract from their mission.”

WTF, TFW? Think of the clever advertising you could do with “WTF” … for example:

– “Haven’t been to Wisconsin lately? WTF!”
– “Hey France, we have better cheese than you. WTF!”

SO many possibilities.

“What the f*ck?” Wednesday

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I took a quick trip to San Antonio over the weekend, and because I was all alone in the car, I had plenty of time to notice all the weird crap on that stretch of I-10. (Texas does not disappoint in the “WTF?” department!)

WTF is this? Tacky lawn art meets “Texas-sized” crap? I don’t think I have ever seen something this gaudy on the side of the freeway. Or really anywhere, for that matter.


How would you like to work inside an ice chest all day? How many six packs do you think this holds?


This sign still confuses me. WTF does that mean? Aren’t lawyers suing lawyers every day?