Back in the Saddle

Gee, I am such a slacker. Hard to believe it’s been so long since I posted. But if it makes it any better, I promise I wasn’t doing anything fun.

We got home from Michigan late last Wednesday night, and about 10 miles from home my car broke down. So after dealing with car stuff on Thursday, I had to get ready for a little party I was throwing on Saturday. Now, I am in full gear trying to put together a birthday party for my daughter. So much for my life of luxury.

There is lots to talk about…Paris is out of jail, Nancy Grace is pregnant, Ann Coulter is the devil…but I thought I would entertain you with a little silliness from the Michigan trip first.

Did you know you can buy “bling” out of a candy vending machine these days? For only 25 cents too. Can I interest you in a cute little anchor or perhaps a giant eagle, ladies?

Do you like bacon? Then check out Tony’s Restaurant. It’s a “greasy spoon” on a highway in Birch Run, Michigan, and they love to load you up on bacon. This lady looked like she wanted to die from embarrassment when her club sandwich came out. (I’m sure it didn’t help that I asked to take a photo of her and the monster sandwich.) And look at the other lady’s plate…I think there is an egg under that bacon somewhere.

I like to call this picture “Baby Got Back.” We ran out of swimmer diapers one day, and let my daughter play in a real diaper. As you can see, she came out of the pool with quite a load. That diaper weighed at least 10 pounds.

This is more bothersome than silly. Please explain to me how this fly got in there in the first place? Isn’t that supposed to be some sort of air tight seal between the panes of glass???

And here is where I spent 3 solid days in Michigan. My little piece of heaven.

Not on a hiatus!

Just doing a lot of traveling before I hit the seven-month mark. My hubby took me to Las Vegas for 5 days at The Venetian to indulge in shopping, spa-ing, eating, and gambling. (He even hired his niece to come along and baby-sit as needed!) Surprisingly, you CAN have fun in Vegas without drinking…and we even won over $1,000 at blackjack. WOOHOO! Momma is getting a new flat screen for the bedroom, baby.

We have been home for 2 days and are leaving again for Michigan tomorrow. (Not as much fun…if any fun at all…just a trip to see the in-laws and to attend a graduation party for his niece and nephew. The one highlight will be the cooler weather. My fat ass almost died in Vegas just walking out to catch a cab.)

But, I have a lot to talk about, so I will try my best to blog from Michigan. However, my MIL is a little bitchy about people using her computer after her grandson crashed her last one looking at Internet porn, so I can’t make any promises. 😉

“What the F*ck?” Wednesday — Bush and Balls

What the f*ck is going on with the love affair between President Bush and Albania?? According to The Associated Press, Albania issued three postage stamps with Bush’s picture and the Statue of Liberty, renamed a street in front of parliament in his honor, awarded him the highest National Flag medal, and the Fushe Kruje town council declared him an honored citizen.

This is almost as bothersome as the love fest between Bush and Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Come on, Albania. Don’t you watch the news?

Second, what is going on with the following? I took both of these pictures within the last week. I am only glad my daughter is too young to ask, “Mommy, what is that hanging on the back of that truck?”

Really now, guys. Isn’t it enough that you are constantly scratching and fondling these things all day long? Would you find it attractive if we hung a plastic vagina from our rear-view mirrors?

I didn’t think so.

Defensive Driving, the White Sox, and a MEME

It’s been a pretty uneventful few days here at the B.S. Cafe. I was taking defensive driving online, which was a real barrel of monkeys. It was actually much better than going to one of those classes, and I learned a few things, so I guess I shouldn’t complain. Did you know that…

  • You can turn left on a red light onto a one-way street.
  • Alcohol is absorbed into your blood streamed faster when combined with a carbonated beverage.
  • It would take a train going 60 MPH a mile to stop.

I also spent the weekend watching the Astros play the White Sox and I didn’t get to see Scott Podsednik even once…apparently he’s injured, but he could have at last walked across the field in a towel or something! You know, just for the fans. (If you don’t know about my crush on him, go here.)

So after all that non-excitement, I finally got around to seeing what my bloggy friends have been up to and I found out I was tagged for a MEME over at crap-o-rama (Don’t you just love that name?) So here it goes…

Five Reasons Why I Blog

1. It’s fun…and it keeps the creative side of my brain happy.
2. I like being part of the blogging community and “meeting” new people.
3. It’s the diary I always wanted to keep…and it helps me relive my crazy checkered past. (which is fun when life turns predictable.)
4. I started blogging when I was having a small identity crisis (meaning I didn’t have one….I was a mommy and a wife, but not just ME) and it really helped me through it. Blogging saved me from buying a sports car, cutting off all my hair, or getting a cabana boy.
5. I love being able to say “that’s going in my blog!”

I am only tagging others if they want to be tagged, so consider this a suggestion… No Cool Story, Elastic, Compulsive Writer, yerdoingitwrong, and Toni.

Three Days to Turn Your Heiress Crazy

As I am sure you all know, Paris Hilton has apparently lost her mind after only 3 days in jail. I spent a night in jail in my early 20’s, and while it definitely was not a trip to the spa, it wasn’t so awful that I needed medication. In fact, it made me tougher version of myself (but then again, the girlfriend I got thrown in the pokey with was a total mess, so someone had to keep their cool). We even ate breakfast with the general population and had a little showdown with a crack ho.

So, it really makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with Paris Hilton. She’s alone in a cell, so it’s not the other inmates picking on her or whatever. She can have reading material…and sure, being disconnected from the electronic world might be a little tough, but I think I could survive. (And quite frankly, being alone in a room for a few days with nothing but some books sounds a little like a vacation to me right now.) She must really be completely incapable of taking care of herself or handling tough situations without an entourage.

I think it would take me at least a week or two before I got weepy…not crazy, but just sad. (By that time I would be caught up on my sleep and really missing my family.)…so maybe it would be a month or so before I needed the meds.

How about you guys? How long would it take you to have a mental break in jail?

P.S. I went to see Patton Oswald and Jeanane Garofalo last night, and Patton commented that Paris couldn’t handle being left alone with her own thoughts. Ha! (He even suggested they use that as a the brand of torture at Guantanamo Bay….leave the prisoners alone in a room with Paris’ thoughts for days on end.)

More Birthday Erotica

Because my friend KB graciously offered to babysit (not only were most of my friends out of town for Memorial Day, but all of my babysitters were too), the hubby and I were able to enjoy an adults-only meal for my birthday. We decided to check out Fogo de Chao, since neither of us had been.

If you aren’t familiar with Fogo de Chao, they give you a little card that is green on one side and red on the other. You flip it to green, and people come to your table non-stop to offer you different kinds of meat. You flip it to red when you are “taking a break” or have a plate full.
Of course, the hubby was in heaven. Literally. All that meat walking around, just waiting to be eaten. It was almost more than he could handle.

One particular gentleman had the most-coveted meat of the evening…beef tenderloin medallions wrapped in bacon. Toward the end of the meal, the hubby decided he only had room for tenderloin, so he would flip the card to green when the tenderloin man was within eye sight.

Tenderloin man: Would you like some tenderloin wrapped in bacon?

Husband: Of course. I’m only green for you.

Tenderloin man walks away.

Husband: Wow. That sounded pretty gay.

Me: I’m sure he knew you were talking about his meat. (laughing loudly)

Husband: That didn’t sound much better.

Me: I wasn’t trying to make it sound better.

Birthday Greetings

Below is the card my husband gave me for my birthday on Monday. Take a moment and see if you can figure out what my issue was…


Me: Love the card, but why is our daughter’s name on it?

Him: Because the presents are from her too.

Me: So you think it’s appropriate to sign a 2 year old’s name to a card about sex? You couldn’t pick up a card from her to “mommy” instead?

Him: Oh. I didn’t think of that.

Shoot Me Now

My birthday ended in a major whimper when Entertainment Tonight informed me last night that I share a birthday with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. WTF?! She is only one step behind Nancy Grace as far as I am concerned…actually, she might have passed her by and taken top position as the person I hate the most on TV. It isn’t her ultra conservative view points that bother me as much as her inflexibility and her non-stop, ass-kissing, love fest with George Bush. She defends everything he does and quite frankly, I find that more annoying than I find him these days.

Then, this morning I find out that I actually agree with something Donald Trump said. (Next, hell will be freezing over.) Here is his quote. “… As far as Elisabeth Hasselbeck, I’ve always said she’s probably the dumbest person on television, but when she called me … obnoxious, she was probably right.” You are right, Donald. She is dumb and you are definitely obnoxious.

More on my birthday later. The hubby actually gave me some good blog fodder over the weekend.

Joyeux Anniversaire! Chronia Pola! Hau`oli la hanau! Isten eltessen!

Happy Birthday weekend to me! It used to really stink always having a birthday on Memorial Day weekend, but now I just choose to believe that my birthday is a national holiday. Go me. So, since I am all knocked up, the plan is to get a major sugar high. I might even eat my entire cake. Which would amuse the hell out of my friend Kelly and give her a new story about me and pastry. (Her current favorite story is how I ate a whole pumpkin pie one Thanksgiving.)

So anyway, here’s a fun way for us all to celebrate. The first person who can tell me what four languages I have used to say “Happy Birthday” in the title of this post, will win a prize. Don’t ask me what the prize is…I just decided to do this…but it will probably be some birthday gift that I don’t dig very much. My trash is your treasure. 😉

I probably won’t post again until Tuesday (it’s not like anyone is reading blogs this weekend anyway), but before I sign off, I would like to say HAPPY, HAPPY birthday to No Cool Story, who happens to be my EXACT same age…37…ummm, I mean 29. And to my loved ones who also share a May 28th birthday…sweet little Lauren, my aunt Cynthia, and my sister-in-law Stephanie…Happy Birthday to you all!!