Yesterday, I boarded an elevator with eight seemingly harmless people. Five of said people were talking on cell phones before the elevator arrived, and much to my surprise, not ONE of these people ended their conversation after getting on the elevator. That’s right. I was forced to listen to FIVE conversations (two of which were in foreign languages) for seven floors. WTF?

It’s time we put our collective feet down people. In my former corporate life (many years ago), I wrote a document on email etiquette for use at my company. This incident made me realize that someone really needs to write and distribute a cell phone etiquette manual to every Tom, Dick and Harry that purchases a cell phone. It’s bad enough that I have a near-death experience at least once week when some yahoo decides he needs to send a text message while driving 70 miles per hour down a freeway. Now I have to enter small, confined spaces and be forced to listen to five meaningless conversations at once? It’s ridiculous.

So as much as I love my cell phone, I make these promises to you… I promise I will not talk obnoxiously loud on my cell phone in public. I promise I will not text while driving or while you are speaking to me. I promise not to install a ridiculous ring tone on my phone and then let it ring for extended periods of time. And finally, I promise I will not discuss my latest trip to the gynecologist in front of seven strangers on an elevator.

You’re welcome.

I wouldn’t say I am a fearless woman, but I’m no scaredy-cat either. However, TWICE this week, I have been scared to the point of near heart attack. I mean it. Both times my heart was beating so fast that I had to clutch my chest to keep it from escaping. (The last time that happened was when I met Troy Aikman back in the 1990’s!)

Today, I was just standing in my kitchen opening a can of Coke, when I heard a gunshot. I totally understand what people mean when they say they almost jumped out of their skin. The noise was so loud that my dog ran out of the room, tail between his legs. But it wasn’t a gunshot, it was the Coke can I just opened! WTF? Has anyone had this happen before? And the crazy part was that the actual coke didn’t explode or spill. That can must have had an extra burst of CO2 or something.

So, my second heart-stopping experience was in the garage. I was taking out the trash and noticed a piece of paper on the floor. I bent over to pick it up, and a spider similar to the one below was hiding underneath. I am so scared of spiders, and this one was huge (the size of my palm) and hairy and two inches away from my hand. I screamed bloody murder and did the little scared girl dance. The husband came running out and promptly killed the monster with a hammer. I felt a little bad once he bludgeoned to death, but he shouldn’t have wandered into my garage and scared the crap out of me. Maybe that will be a lesson for all the other huge spiders who were contemplating entering my domain.

P.S. WTF is up with Blogger spell check? It didn’t recognize “Aikman” and gave me the choices of Airman, Oilman, Hickman, Aiken and Amman. WHA??? You know Aiken, but not Aikman? Ugh.

I will admit that I am a little crazy when it comes to my pets. When we go on vacation, I will spend the extra cash to put my dogs up in a “suite” complete with their own TV, because I feel so guilty for boarding them. And yet, I still found this sight to be completely ridiculous…

That’s right, it’s a little kitty enjoying the outdoors in his own little stroller.

This neighbor has no children, so that means she went and purchased this especially for Mr. Fancy Pants Kitty.

WTF?

I have been accumulating “WTFW” photos for a few weeks now…can’t wait to hear what you think.

KRAUT juice? I can not think of one reason why I would need this. Ever.

A fish for a mailbox?

“Antique” ham cufflinks? They will set you back $200. (They were in a fabulous store in NYC recommended by Girl con Queso…and the sales guy was very helpful with taking this photo.)

I would also like to send out a BIG WTF to More Magazine. I was recently opening junk mail and came across a very colorful envelope that said “Act your Age!” Of course that got my attention, so instead of immediately chunking it, I read on…

“Welcome to the one magazine for women over 40 who love to act their age.”

WHA???? I’M NOT OVER 40! What’s wrong with you, More Magazine???? I am 36 thank you very much and I am already having a quasi mid-life crisis, so I really don’t need you telling me to act over 40 when I am still in my 30’s. Jerks.

(Note to anyone 40+….this is not a slam against the 40’s. I am sure that decade totally rocks. I’m just not there yet.)

This is going to be short and sweet.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Blogger is driving me crazy. I have so many comments I want to make and it won’t let me post anywhere.

What the f*ck, Blogger?

Kids have a lot of cool things at their disposal these days…and it’s kind of annoying. (I’m not bitter, I swear.) I can’t imagine how different my high school experience would have been with a computer and the Internet. I learned to type on a typewriter. When I worked on the school newspaper, we had to cut and paste (meaning scissors and glue, kiddos!) copy onto layout boards. If you had to do research you went to the library for days on end looking through real books and encyclopedias. So, while I realize this totally dates me, and makes me feel a little old-ish, I felt the need to say something when I saw this today.

Yes, that’s right. This CHILD is learning to drive in a hot, little convertible.

Someone has lost their mind. I learned to drive in a Pontiac Bonneville…and driver’s ed was with like four other kids in the car…and not a cute car, it was some ugly four door thing. We were forced to sit there while everyone had a chance to drive. This kid is on his own, top down, just cruising in the slow lane (at 40 miles an hour, I would like to add).

What the f*ck?

Today I say “What the F*ck?” to all the rude drivers I have encountered lately. And by rude drivers, I mean the non-wavers. I hate people that don’t wave. I have kindly let you out in front of me, even smiling and giving you the little “oh please, go ahead” wave, and then you just get in front of me with absolutely no acknowledgement. This happens to me all the time and I hate these people. In fact, I might just start being one of those jerks who never lets anyone out or in or whatever. The non-wavers have ruined it for everyone.

I would also like to say “What the F*ck?” to the mean old man who flipped me off on Thanksgiving Day for no reason. I gladly accept blame (and the bird) when I do something wrong, but it was completely without cause. I was going 65 in a 60…in the fast lane…and this man was going about 50 in front of me. Before I even got close to him, he changed lanes. As I passed by, he flipped me off and then he rolled down his window and shot me the bird for as long as I could see him in the rear view mirror. Maybe his ex-wife was a redhead or maybe he was an environmentalist who has a thing against SUVs, but did he really have to pull out the bird on Thanksgiving?

My car has been giving me BIG headaches lately. A few weeks ago, someone backed into it at Target leaving me with a broken taillight and no note (thanks). $275 and all was well again.

Then one rainy day, it just stops moving forward. One week and $700 later, all was well again. — P.S. That amount included $150 to fix the wiper on my HEADLIGHT (My reaction…I have wipers on my headlights?!). When I acted all indignant about how ridiculous that little luxury is, I was informed that some people apparently use Land Rovers to go off-roading and get mud on their headlights.

<----Who knew? ;)
Last week, the hubby borrows my car and returns it with a HUGE, unfixable ding in the windshield. (He acted like he didn’t know it happened. Uh huh.) And finally, yesterday I notice that a fog light has now been busted out somehow.

WHAT THE F*CK?

Seriously car, please stop it.

So, I have decided that if you are still making car payments, you shouldn’t have to pay for anything related to your car. Everything should be covered by your car payment…oil changes, washer fluid, busted lights, new windshields, etc. And when I start Rhonda’s Car Finance Company, I promised that is how it will be.